Nobody wants me

[muhammad_isa]

No, I do not need the job for money but I want it for other reasons.
I am going to quit my job and sell my houses for a man? Why should I do that?

He has no house and he has no job so it makes more sense for him to come here and live. If he doesn't want to do that he can live out in the desert in his car all by himself for the rest of his life.

I agree with you .. don't sell ALL of your houses, unless you want to move and settle elsewhere .. and even then, it is no good rushing these things.

 

[Evangelicalhumanist]

That is absolutely false as well as cruel. I do not want somebody around just to be around. I want a loving relationship where both parties are happy and have their needs met, whatever those are. I can do what I please now so why would I want a man around just to have him around?

Of course I would have to make 'some' adjustments. I have said that time and again, but the cats and my religion are non-negotiable, and I say that up front, so if a man is averse to the cats or my religion he doesn't even bother to contact me, except sometimes to tell me that he doesn't think we are compatible.

A man does not have to share my religion but if his values and interests differ markedly from mine, the relationship would never even get off the ground. Moreover, I don't have to have sex just because a man wants sex, I am not a prostitute. If a man wants a lot of sex then I am not the woman for him and I have told men that. I might want some sex with a man if I love him, and we were married, but I would never promise that since I cannot guarantee how I will feel.

I am not selfish just because I don't want to get involved with a man whose values and interests differ markedly from mine. Such a man would not want to get involved with me either, which is why I cannot find anyone. Is the man also selfish because he does not want to make any adjustments for me?

I am anything but selfish. I did everything for my late husband and he did nothing for me for most of the last 20 years we were married. He even admitted that. Many times over, he told me I should get a divorce and marry another man who could do what he could not do, or did not want to do, but I told him I never would because I did not want to be married to anyone else. When we used to have sex, I even did that, but I don't want to get into that here. It is no small wonder that I don't want sex, since sex was just more work that I had to do.

What I said was neither false nor cruel. It expressed an important reality -- as I see it, of course.

When I met my lover, 30 years ago, I had previously decided that I was done with that part of my life. I'd had a couple of excellent relationships, I can't possibly regret them, but they ended -- as human things sometimes do. And I didn't want to go through it all again. I was settled in my ways, sometimes a bit lonely, but I could cope with that.

Then, along came this person, out of the blue, and love just sort of "happened." (In my view, that's what love should do.) I was settled, and comfortable, and didn't want change. But I also wanted him -- and I wound up unsettling myself, giving up my comforts, and changing everything. And do you now what? It was hard -- really, really hard.

Yet, here we are, 30 years later, and still together. Right now, I'm online with you, and he's watching something on TV in the den (I don't watch TV). Then, we'll eat together, and sleep together (though he'll probably come to bed long after I retire), and then we'll still be there for each other tomorrow.

But the only way we got there was to open ourselves up to the terrible risk that comes with changing the parameters of your life.

Do you know, I had a cat when Joseph came to live with me. She was already old -- she was the daughter of an earlier pet, so I'd had her for her whole life. But at 17, she was getting old. She tried to like Joseph, but couldn't really manage it (she dropped her tail in his mouth when he was sleeping), but Joseph was with both of us when she suffered heart failure and we had to take the humane decision to help her leave life -- she couldn't breathe, couldn't get up on the bed, could barely walk.

I'm trying to show you that finding somebody to be with is more complicated than you can imagine, and you have to be ready to change a whole lot. If you suppose that you can devise a whole set of rules about how life will be when you find the person of your dreams, I'm telling you that you will be certainly disappointed.

That's just not how life works.

 

[Trailblazer]

When I met my lover, 30 years ago, I had previously decided that I was done with that part of my life. I'd had a couple of excellent relationships, I can't possibly regret them, but they ended -- as human things sometimes do. And I didn't want to go through it all again. I was settled in my ways, sometimes a bit lonely, but I could cope with that.

Then, along came this person, out of the blue, and love just sort of "happened." (In my view, that's what love should do.) I was settled, and comfortable, and didn't want change. But I also wanted him -- and I wound up unsettling myself, giving up my comforts, and changing everything. And do you now what? It was hard -- really, really hard.

Yet, here we are, 30 years later, and still together. Right now, I'm online with you, and he's watching something on TV in the den (I don't watch TV). Then, we'll eat together, and sleep together (though he'll probably come to bed long after I retire), and then we'll still be there for each other tomorrow.

That was what happened to you, but I know myself well enough to know that love for a man would never be 'more important' to me than love for the cats, and it would not be more important to me than God and my religion. Many years ago, I remember a speaker in a motivational class I took at work say that one thing in her life is not negotiable, and that was her Christian Faith. Everything else was negotiable. I will never forget that.

Please note that 30 years ago you were only 44, not 70 years old. People don't make major changes at my age, not unless they are changes that they want to make, ones that will improve their lives. I might be willing to change certain things, but I am not going to change everything in my life because then I would have to become a completely different person. I cannot make myself have interests I do not have, and I am not relinquishing my values, which come from my religion.

If I did fall in love with a man, I would not expect him to make major changes for me, unless they were improvements that he wanted, and if he loved me he would not expect me to give up what I love, the cats and my religion.

I'm trying to show you that finding somebody to be with is more complicated than you can imagine, and you have to be ready to change a whole lot. If you suppose that you can devise a whole set of rules about how life will be when you find the person of your dreams, I'm telling you that you will be certainly disappointed.

That's just not how life works.

By reading men's Profiles on the dating sites I can see that men are looking for a match, a woman who fits their values, interests, and lifestyle. They are not looking for women who will change for them. If you are talking about certain habits, those are amenable to change, and some new interests can be acquired from a partner, but what people have based their whole lives upon for 70 years is not going to change.

I have no set of rules about how life would be if I found the person of my dreams. That is completely open-ended. My life could change for the better depending upon who I met. All I can say is what I know I cannot be or do, given my values and my personality, including my fears and anxieties. Thus I would not even enter into a relationship with a man who had expectations I know that I could never fulfill. I clearly delineate my values, interests, and lifestyle in my Profile, and that is probably one reason why not many men contact me.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

That's just not how life works.

Things can certainly pan out how you said.

However, in a world where there are gender roles, I find the men in a relationship often end up compromising 50/50 in working out an agreement, in male-male relationships.

For women, we get a lot more messages and possibilities sometimes, so you have to learn choosiness. And learn whether to go with man X, or man Y. Or even, in some cases, woman X, or woman Y. Some women might sometimes even find themselves with 4+ men to choose from.

So I actually do think there's wisdom in your post. It's just, I see it as being even more complicated and nuisanced than that. You see, for women, they aren't just "settling to be with someone", they're "choosing who to be with or feel comfortable around".

In this day and age, anyway.

But that's just how I feel.

 

[Brian2]

I am still in shock, because all these years I have known you, since 2014, I had thought your wife was a Christian.
So what brought you and your wife together originally? Was it romantic love?

In spite of other problems we had, I always had belief in God in common with my late husband, since he was a Baha'i, although we argued about whether God is loving all the time.
Also, we both loved cats, and that was a real bonus.

It was the mid 70s and I was in a shared house in Melbourne and she turned up at the front door looking for a room.
I had left Catholicism and was probably on my journey back into Christianity but also into drugs and more of the hippie culture of the day.
So we have had our ups and downs for almost 50 years now.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Things can certainly pan out how you said.

However, in a world where there are gender roles, I find the men in a relationship often end up compromising 50/50 in working out an agreement, in male-male relationships.

For women, we get a lot more messages and possibilities sometimes, so you have to learn choosiness. And learn whether to go with man X, or man Y. Or even, in some cases, woman X, or woman Y. Some women might sometimes even find themselves with 4+ men to choose from.

So I actually do think there's wisdom in your post. It's just, I see it as being even more complicated and nuisanced than that. You see, for women, they aren't just "settling to be with someone", they're "choosing who to be with or feel comfortable around".

In this day and age, anyway.

But that's just how I feel.

Another way this matters, is that I know men put a lot physically and emotionally into a relationship, but in male-female relationships, typically the woman has to invest a whole lot emotionally. So you want to be sure you're investing with the right person.

 

[Trailblazer]

It was the mid 70s and I was in a shared house in Melbourne and she turned up at the front door looking for a room.
I had left Catholicism and was probably on my journey back into Christianity but also into drugs and more of the hippie culture of the day.
So we have had our ups and downs for almost 50 years now.

I was also into the hippie culture, but that was from about 1965-1970. In 1970, I went off to college and became a Baha'i, and I never took street drugs again.

I did not get married until 1985, so I was not married as long as you have been married. I hope you are close to the same age as your wife, so you won't have to go through what I am going through. I only realized he was 10 years older than me about a week after we got married, that is what romantic love can do to a person.

 

[Truthseeker]

No, I do not need the job for money but I want it for other reasons.
I am going to quit my job and sell my houses for a man? Why should I do that?

He has no house and he has no job so it makes more sense for him to come here and live. If he doesn't want to do that he can live out in the desert in his car all by himself for the rest of his life.

Hypothetically, not for this person. For the right person, woudn't you consider his?

 

[Trailblazer]

Hypothetically, not for this person. For the right person, woudn't you consider his?

Consider his what? Or did you mean to say this? Are you asking if I would consider selling all three houses and quitting my job for the right man? No, I wouldn't because having a man is not that important to me.

 

[Brian2]

I was also into the hippie culture, but that was from about 1965-1970. In 1970, I went off to college and became a Baha'i, and I never took street drugs again.

I did not get married until 1985, so I was not married as long as you have been married. I hope you are close to the same age as your wife, so you won't have to go through what I am going through. I only realized he was 10 years older than me about a week after we got married, that is what romantic love can do to a person.

She was born in 57 and I was born in 53. But who knows when death will come.
We were together longer than we were married of course. We were married in 78, which reminds me, it was New Years Eve, coming up soon.
It's amazing what we do when we are young and which effect our whole lives.

 

[muhammad_isa]

In 1970, I went off to college and became a Baha'i, and I never took street drugs again..

What did you study in college, if I may ask?
I went back into education after a few years of skuffling..
I lived in Liverpool, England for a year .. known for 'the Beatles' of course.
I lived in Edinburgh, Scotland for a year .. bit of a hippie .. the locals called me Jesus.

I studied Maths and Physics in Coventry, England eventually, but had to give it up as my wife had a fourth child .. too much pressure. I had already become a Muslim and married by then.

 

[Trailblazer]

What did you study in college, if I may ask?

First I studied Anthropology, then Spanish, but later I majored in Geography.
I got a BA in Geography, and later a MA in Geography...

About 15 years later, I went back to college and studied psychology, and got a MA degree in Psychology in 1994.
After that I studied homeopathy and I got a degree in Homeopathy from a school in Devon, England in 1997.

 

[Trailblazer]

We were together longer than we were married of course.

We were only together for three weeks before we got married. It was a whirlwind romance, but aside from that, by Baha'i Law, Baha'is are not allowed to be 'together' unless they are married.

 

[muhammad_isa]

First I studied Anthropology, then Spanish, but later I majored in Geography.
I got a BA in Geography, and later a MA in Geography...

About 15 years later, I went back to college and studied psychology, and got a MA degree in Psychology in 1994.
After that I studied homeopathy and I got a degree in Homeopathy from a school in Devon, England in 1997.

Wow .. you are really talented.
..and worked hard to achieve so much.
Almighty God is generous to those who remember Him.

 

[Trailblazer]

Wow .. you are really talented.
..and worked hard to achieve so much.
Almighty God is generous to those who remember Him.

Thanks, but I never really used any of those degrees, except the ones in geography...
I am pretty talented at making maps since that is what I have been doing since 1977!

I will definitely remember Him, and now that I finally got my head on straight, I am not going to allow anyone to knock it off.

 

[Brian2]

We were only together for three weeks before we got married. It was a whirlwind romance, but aside from that, by Baha'i Law, Baha'is are not allowed to be 'together' unless they are married.

I saw no need for a formal marriage at that stage in my thinking and beliefs.
I guess a lot of things happen because of our sexual urges and getting married after 3 weeks sounds like one of those things. Thinking with the wrong brain.

 

[muhammad_isa]

..getting married after 3 weeks sounds like one of those things. Thinking with the wrong brain.

I wouldn't say that..

What about Adam and Eve .. did they turn down their partner?
The most important thing is a person's religion and piety.
..then comes class/suitability, and then ... whatever else

Sex before marriage is unacceptable .. that is not to say that I'm judging anybody.
It is not in our best interests or of the community.

 

[JustGeorge]

I saw no need for a formal marriage at that stage in my thinking and beliefs.
I guess a lot of things happen because of our sexual urges and getting married after 3 weeks sounds like one of those things. Thinking with the wrong brain.

Not necessarily. I got married after 2 months(one of those being phone calls only). We were sexually engaged before marriage. We had no religious obligation not to be.

 

[Trailblazer]

I saw no need for a formal marriage at that stage in my thinking and beliefs.

No, not unless you 'believe' what the Bible says about fornication.

What is considered fornication in the Bible?

To engage in premarital or extramarital sex, before or outside of marriage, is to sin in God's sight.

Fornication - Wikipedia

I guess a lot of things happen because of our sexual urges and getting married after 3 weeks sounds like one of those things. Thinking with the wrong brain.

No, that is not why I got married. I got married because I was in love. The sex was just a side benefit.
I could have waited to get married but I saw no reason to wait since I knew I would be getting married anyway.

 

[England my lionheart]

It took a little while, being on several dating sites, but I understand now. No men want me because I care too much about God and my cats and I don’t care enough about sex and having a good time, eating, drinking, recreating, and traveling. God and my cats are in the way.

I am not sad. I am fine with this realization because I am not going to give up what matters most to me just so I won’t have to be alone. I will wait until I find someone who likes me the way I am, but even if I never find anyone, I will always know that God and the cats still love me just the way I am.

Why not advertise for a “friend with benefits”,you could have your cake and eat it too.