Unfortunately, any time a person appeals to the idea that they "cannot help how they feel" about a particular situation, or as a reason they are found to be complaining about a certain thing, etc. they simply MUST afford the other person in the conversation any reaction that person comes forward with. Because they cannot discount that the other person's reaction is simply something that "cannot be helped" by them either. I know this sounds callous... but it is simply true. If you "can't help how you feel" sometimes, then you have to understand that other people also "cannot help how they feel." And yet, here you are, wanting to hold their reactions against them. You wish to be allowed your reaction to your circumstances - whatever that may be, or however detrimental to your own mental state, and yet you want other people to stifle their reactions to your reaction or your situation.
That is a straw man, because I do not expect other people to stifle their reactions to my reaction or my situation. Moreover, I am not saying that just because we feel a certain way we should share those feelings with other people, OR that if/when we choose to share them we should have any expectations of the other person. Sure, the other person's reaction is going to be whatever it is according to how they understand the situation, and that is why we should not expect any sympathy or understanding from people who we suspect would not understand. I have learned this the hard way.
To my mind... there are TWO egos in play. The one of the person who doesn't see the suffering of another as a big a deal or doesn't want to hear it, and the ego of the person who is making the claim to suffering, who feels that they are being attacked when another diminishes what amounts to their opinion about their situation.
You are
assuming that nobody ever sees the suffering of someone else as a big deal and/or that nobody ever wants to hear it. I think that might be projection on your part, just because you do not want to hear it. I would NEVER share my suffering with anyone unless I knew I would not be bothering them AND I knew they would understand. Some people would be empathetic and they would not feel I was bothering them but they would not understand why I am so upset about x because they would never be so upset about x. As such I would never share my feelings about x with them.
I can share feelings with my husband because he is obligated to listen if I am in a crisis just as I would listen to him if he was in one. He does not FULLY understand how I feel but he understands better than anyone else ever would, UNLESS that person had very similar feelings about x. I had a friend I met on an online support group who did understand about x better than my husband, but unfortunately we parted ways back in 2013 when we had a big disagreement about our religious beliefs.
Of course, God understands about x better than any human being ever could, but that does not help me if I need someone to talk to. I used to go to counselors because that is their job to listen to me, but when they did not understand or have any solutions it only made me feel worse, so I stopped going.
Imo, people should be able to put their own ego aside if someone else is suffering and not care about themselves or their opinion, but I believe that because of my religious beliefs.
“O ye beloved of the Lord! The Kingdom of God is founded upon equity and justice, and also upon mercy, compassion, and kindness to every living soul. Strive ye then with all your heart to treat compassionately all humankind—except for those who have some selfish, private motive, or some disease of the soul.” Selections, p. 158
People who are truly suffering to not have a selfish private motive because they are not trying to GET something for themselves, so Imo we should show everyone kindness and compassion even if we think what they are suffering over would be insignificant to us.
Once, about a year ago, a very young Baha’i woman I met on a forum thought her life was over because she allowed a boy she was dating to go too far sexually (even though it was not all the way.) Her father was a strict Muslim and her mother was a Baha’i so she said she could not tell them what happened, as she was so ashamed of what she had done. I am a licensed counselor (although not practicing) and I know a lot about psychology so I told her she could send me a private message on that forum.
I tried to assure her it was not a big deal, we all make mistakes, and she would get over it eventually, but she kept saying her life was over and she was so depressed she did not know if she would be able to go off to her first year of college in the fall. It took a long time, but eventually I got through to her and she started to recover.
A while later, maybe it was months, she posted me a private message thanking me; she told me she had recovered and went off to college, but she never would have recovered if it had not been for me. I had no idea that what I had said helped her that much. My point is that I think we should always show compassion to people even if we do not think what they are suffering over is a big deal. It is egotistical to think that just because it would not be a big deal to us it is not a big deal to someone else.