The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[The Sum of Awe]

You're only digging yourself in deeper, man. If the people you work with hold your social awkwardness against you, that's their problem not yours. I'm 43 years old. I've had a ton of negative experiences in my life. "Those few times that a person has awkwardly said hi to me" don't even make the top 100 of the worst things that have ever happened to me. The real immoral activity would be someone treating you as inferior simply because you are awkward or anxious. (Not that folks that do this are evil, it's often a socially instilled behavior.)

But I say go for it. Lock eyes with everyone. Intentionally try to say "hi" as awkwardly as you can. See what happens as a result.

I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow. I appreciate the encouragement.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I thought the choices were between, "there's something wrong with me" and "I am not so bad after all".

Usually when someone tells someone else, "There's something wrong with you" it's meant to be derisive, more of an insult than an assessment. They're implying that there's something fundamentally or critically wrong with the other person, not just, "You're a typically flawed human with stuff to work on, just like everybody else".

Same thing when we say it to ourselves, or I'm assuming so anyway, since the opposing statement you're using is "I am not so bad after all".

Anyway, my point was that either statement tends to become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

It may be that neither one is "real" since they're both just opinions, but how you interpret events, other people's reactions, etc. is going to depend a lot on which one you're telling yourself.

Hmm, so you're saying the way either thought appears real is more in my own mind than on the outside, and that on the outside neither are real? Because they are opinions and perhaps one person could think 'there's something wrong with him' and another could think 'he's not so bad'?

 

[Quagmire]

Hmm, so you're saying the way either thought appears real is more in my own mind than on the outside,

Usually.

and that on the outside neither are real?

What's on the outside aside from other people's opinions? I mean there are certain standards set by society
(or religion if you're involved in one, or cliques if you belong to one, or a subculture if you're a member of one, or fashion if you care about that. But even these standards are just somebody's opinions) but most of those come with a lot of leeway for interpretation.

Opinions aren't facts, or even necessarily fact-based. Even when they are fact-based they're still subject to peoples biases, likes/dislikes, fears, hopes, limitations, so what you wind up with is "fact" diluted with and distorted by a lot of non-factual filler.

Because they are opinions and perhaps one person could think 'there's something wrong with him' and another could think 'he's not so bad'?

That's almost guaranteed.

 

[Koldo]

Thank you, that does make sense that I'd get more comfortable doing it the more I do it. However, the setting may help you understand my dilemma: At work. I do not have a great rep at work, probably because of my noticeable social awkwardness I've had for the entire year and a half I've worked there. I've tried saying 'hi' to people I passed by when I felt like it, but it felt so unnatural and I think they themselves even noticed it was unnatural, and that makes them aware that it was forced. (That's probably what you meant when you said making the other person feel the discomfort too?).

But 1) The entire shift would find it odd if I started doing this more frequently. 2) I don't want to say 'hi' to certain people because I don't feel comfortable around them, but then I'd also feel bad being selective of who I say 'hi' to. What are your thoughts on this? 3) I feel like it'd come off as weird being the person who looks at you and then the only thing I say is 'hi'.

I will try it though. I think I am overthinking it. Ugh... I doubt this is going to go how I expect it to lol.

I am not sure I understand. Do you pretty much never talk to anyone at your work place except for saying 'hi'? If that's the case, why?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I am not sure I understand. Do you pretty much never talk to anyone at your work place except for saying 'hi'? If that's the case, why?

I do start conversations with people on occasion if I’m comfortable with tge person, and I will gladly engage in one if someone starts one with me. So, no, I do say more than hi. This is just when I pass someone by in the walk way.

I understand it sounds silly to worry about but isn’t it kinda cold to just look straight ahead as if not noticing someone when passing them by? Especially when there’s only 15 people on your shift?

 

[JustGeorge]

I do start conversations with people on occasion if I’m comfortable with tge person, and I will gladly engage in one if someone starts one with me. So, no, I do say more than hi. This is just when I pass someone by in the walk way.

I understand it sounds silly to worry about but isn’t it kinda cold to just look straight ahead as if not noticing someone when passing them by? Especially when there’s only 15 people on your shift?

I think you may be overthinking it.

At my old job, there were only between 4-6 people on a shift. There was usually some kind of acknowledgement when the person came in/left for the day, but we didn't greet each other each time we passed in the hallway. That would get a little cumbersome.

Some people jabbered on the whole shift. Others said little. Its okay. They all had personality differences.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I think you may be overthinking it.

At my old job, there were only between 4-6 people on a shift. There was usually some kind of acknowledgement when the person came in/left for the day, but we didn't greet each other each time we passed in the hallway. That would get a little cumbersome.

Some people jabbered on the whole shift. Others said little. Its okay. They all had personality differences.

Thank you. You’re probably right. I have been saying hi a little more though, just when it feels right.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I am still unsure about if I will ever stop being awkward and sometimes quiet/avoidant. But I think I’ve seen progress. I will keep holding on. Journey not the destination.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Today I realized a big reason I might be anxious at work is because of how fast paced it is, and how I'm still getting used to it (after a year and a half) and a lot of jobs I struggle to make rate on. So that stress of trying to catch up may be inducing some anxiety in me. I figure that anything that increases heart rate and stress can bring on the feeling of anxiety.

Another thing is my boss. I sometimes get the feeling she doesn't like me. I feel very intimidated, she gives me a lot of crap for talking. I talk a lot less than others that work there, I hear other workers in the shift 'clique' laughing loudly and talking, walking away from their machine even just to talk to others, or shouting at each other from afar. I am uncomfortable doing any of that because me? I just make a bit of small talk, a small light conversation at times that won't go on long (to prevent getting distracted), and she will give me crap about it. "Make sure you're working" "You shouldn't be talking, keep the flow going" (I keep moving as I talk) "Are you guys making rate? Okay, just making sure because I see a lot of talking over here" (I wasn't even talking that time, it was the other coworkers who are a part of the 'clique' - why doesn't she talk to them?? Why asking me??) I feel like this could be personal, and I'm uncomfortable around her. And I'm uncomfortable to be myself at work because of this. -- At break time I do try to talk to people and I still come across as awkward (I don't know what to talk about most of the time)

Another thing about today, a new girl made a little joke. I brought some parts over and she said "That's the worst christmas present ever" or something along those lines. My mind went blank, had no idea how to respond. I just chuckled. Then I tried to force out a joke in response that really made no sense (Wasn't a big deal, but my point is I suck at witty humor 9 times out of 10)

Pros about today:

1) I found myself able to get more assertive. One of my coworkers was talking to another instead of working. I tossed a crumpled paper at him and said "Bro, let's keep moving". I didn't say it very assertively, but I did assert myself at least and he listened. I think this could be a good sign.

2) I have been getting more comfortable with my awkwardness. It still sucks how awkward I am and unnatural I am in conversations. It sucks that I keep thinking "I should just become avoidant of everyone again. This is all so pointless, I will never have a social life, I will never have friends or a relationship. I will die alone, I might as well get used to it instead of trying to force myself to talk more." I hate those thoughts, and I don't think I will ever give up again. The struggle is there, but it's become more of a habit now to try and talk to someone instead of just avoid them. So the habits there at least.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

So, I've been talking to my new coworkers still. Trying to be their friend. I sometimes feel included (when I'm in on the conversation), sometimes feel excluded (when they show pictures on phone to each other but don't show me). I am pretty quiet because half the time I don't have anything to say even if there is a conversation going on, I just listen (until my anxiety starts looping and my own thoughts distract me for a moment, and just that tiny moment of distraction can make me lose my place in understanding what they said). When I do talk my awkwardness and lack of experience (in cooking, going places, understanding things, etc) shows.

I don't sense that they hate me, that's a plus. But I don't sense that they like me either. Maybe I should've stayed at the old table. The guy I used to sit by acted just as strangely around me, just in different ways, giving me the impression he didn't really like me. Plus we didn't have a lot in common, and on top of that he had a very energetic sense of humor and personality, something my calm personality was intimidated by because I didn't know how to react.

I feel a little lost right now, confused. I haven't abandoned my old friend, I'm just sitting by different people. I feel like it would be weird to keep changing back and forth, changing it up, when I rely on the others to start the conversation and don't ever really have anything to say myself. But really, I can sit by whoever I want. I don't know. I'll just keep sitting by this new group because I don't like the rest of the people that sit at the old table.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Why is it so complicated for me? Why is it that when I try to "just relax" or "be myself" there is no natural flow? I feel I have found confidence in myself, but it is this nervousness that still exists, this not knowing what to say, this lack of communication skills which makes me anxious.

I've found self-acceptance. As frustrating as it is and as much as I complain about it (only natural when my social skills are this bad), I love myself and have confidence. But will I ever find Love? Romantic love? Who would love someone like me?

 

[Orbit]

Why is it so complicated for me? Why is it that when I try to "just relax" or "be myself" there is no natural flow? I feel I have found confidence in myself, but it is this nervousness that still exists, this not knowing what to say, this lack of communication skills which makes me anxious.

I've found self-acceptance. As frustrating as it is and as much as I complain about it (only natural when my social skills are this bad), I love myself and have confidence. But will I ever find Love? Romantic love? Who would love someone like me?

There's someone out there for everyone. Just be patient.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

There's someone out there for everyone. Just be patient.

That is far from true.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

One thing I think is getting stronger is my acceptance of things. When my depression or hopeless feeling kicks in it's a lot more painless than it used to be and I can forget it faster. However, it still does sting. I don't know what lies in the future and I try not to guess anymore, I've put more focus on happiness now and don't worry about the future as much. I'm still pretty socially awkward, don't know if I'm improving or not, if I am it's very little increments. And my ex-crush at my job... I still have strong feelings for her, and I think about it from time to time how I will never be with her and how I have no choice but to let her go. It hurts so much still when i think about it, but I try not to. I still haven't found anyone I like in the same way.

My friendship with the new coworkers is still pending, we are on good terms though it seems. I actually got one of their numbers, but the text message I sent so he has my number didn't go through, something is wrong on his end but he was just using his phone today. Not sure why the text didn't go through. My insecure mind is telling me he gave me a wrong number on purpose, but I think that is irrational and I shouldn't jump to conclusions. I will tell him about it tomorrow that my text didn't go through.

EDIT: This is just how I'm feeling right now, not a conclusion of living in the moment permanently.

 

[Quagmire]

Who would love someone like me?

Someone like you.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Someone like you.

I like that, that's very true.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I have really loosened up today. Made a few dirty jokes with my new friends at work. A lot of them were well received with laughs even though some of them made no sense or were just dumb. I felt a lot more carefree and open. I'm feeling really good about myself today. Let's hope I can keep this carefree and more sense-of-humor self up.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I don't believe anxiety or depression is much the issue anymore. I feel I've essentially "beaten" those things, or at least to the point they no longer hold me back completely anymore.

However, the issue is now finding someone (a partner). When I started this thread I mentioned I had started going to Starbucks and libraries and bookstores, and that I was going to try a bunch of different things. However, I'm not much of a reader and I can't get into it (ironic, since I do write as a hobby), so libraries and bookstores are off the table. Starbucks? Well, I occasionally go and bring my laptop with me. It's usually quiet in the cafe, though. And I don't go often, it's too expensive to be doing that. And I'm not banking on my chances of meeting anyone there anyways.

I live in a very rural area, and though there are cities nearby, it isn't like a Californian or Floridan city with dozens of different activities for dozens of different hobbies. This is Iowa, the biggest social meetups are Church and the bar. I've tried meetup.com, there's literally nothing nearby, at least not within an hour and a half drive.

I really think my chances of meeting someone rely on me bumping into someone at work (which has been promising so far, I've met a few new girls there, a couple that were interested in me but I wasn't interested in them. A couple vice versa. A couple were already in a situation.) or on one of my bike rides (but last summer I mostly only saw old people out riding their bikes).

I have made good connections with three of my new coworkers, we've discussed doing things (like going to one of those "Break stuff" rooms, and campfires), so friendships are no longer an issue. And I'm grateful for that, very grateful. But my original goal hasn't changed, I still desire a romantic relationship with someone in my life. I'm not saying it's entirely hopeless, I'm just venting about how limited my options are when it comes to meeting people.

And as I sit inside most of each day, bouncing between Reddit and Religiousforums and my book that I'm writing, I wonder if I'm wasting time. I mean, Reddit and Religiousforums are my favorite social outlets, I enjoy spending time on these sites, and I have no regular social outlets in person (I have family and friends I can meet with, just not daily). However, am I just wasting time? Should I be doing something more? - It's not like I'm going to stay glued to my laptop when the warmer weather comes, I know I will be out on my bike and walking, sitting by the river in town here. I have at least two camping trips planned out. But I can't say I'm moving any closer to finding romance.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I have went out to my friends (from the last place i lived - 2 hours away now) for a campfire. Thursday i had seen him for his birthday, I invited to take him out for breakfast. Yesterday at the Fire there were a few people I didn’t know but i very quickly made myself comfortable with them by talking to them right away and forcing myself to not be shy. (Admittedly the alcohol probably helped, but I only had 3 drinks. Then again I’m a lightweight)

Then after that this morning (i had spent the night at his place) I went to visit my parents (i see them regularly, once a month) and my aunt was there and usually i am shy around extended family but i just made myself converse and it flowed naturally. I didn’t fight myself with my insecurities in my head i was just present in the conversation.

Tuesday my sister is coming to visit. I’ve been keeping in contact with my siblings more, though not as often as my parents but i am rebuilding a decent bond.

I think things are starting to look up. Although I’m having no expectations, I’m just taking it day by day now (of course I still worry about the future, and wonder about myself if there’s anything i need to change - but those thoughts tend to be flowing out of my head quickly like holding sand in yours hands, flowing out from between the fingers.)

I still have no friends over this way. Don’t consider anyone close at work, however I may try to invite people over to a bonfire in my yard sometime. We’ll see how that goes

Seems like my crush may be leaving for a different job in the future. I think about her sometimes but still accepting of the situation. I have no idea how I’ll feel when she does leave and I know I’ll never see her again. But i think I’ve proven to myself that I can remain humble in that moment and refrain from telling her that I’ll miss her or anything like that, i think I’ve proven to myself time and time again that I’ll be able to move on and that I won’t slip back into depression over it. Damn, crushes are hard. it certainly built character in me though, and made me a better man than i used to be even though it didn’t work out. I still have faith that love will find me in some shape or another, and I will hold that faith no matter how hopeless things seem.

 

[JustGeorge]

I have went out to my friends (from the last place i lived - 2 hours away now) for a campfire. Thursday i had seen him for his birthday, I invited to take him out for breakfast. Yesterday at the Fire there were a few people I didn’t know but i very quickly made myself comfortable with them by talking to them right away and forcing myself to not be shy. (Admittedly the alcohol probably helped, but I only had 3 drinks. Then again I’m a lightweight)

Then after that this morning (i had spent the night at his place) I went to visit my parents (i see them regularly, once a month) and my aunt was there and usually i am shy around extended family but i just made myself converse and it flowed naturally. I didn’t fight myself with my insecurities in my head i was just present in the conversation.

Tuesday my sister is coming to visit. I’ve been keeping in contact with my siblings more, though not as often as my parents but i am rebuilding a decent bond.

I think things are starting to look up. Although I’m having no expectations, I’m just taking it day by day now (of course I still worry about the future, and wonder about myself if there’s anything i need to change - but those thoughts tend to be flowing out of my head quickly like holding sand in yours hands, flowing out from between the fingers.)

I still have no friends over this way. Don’t consider anyone close at work, however I may try to invite people over to a bonfire in my yard sometime. We’ll see how that goes

Seems like my crush may be leaving for a different job in the future. I think about her sometimes but still accepting of the situation. I have no idea how I’ll feel when she does leave and I know I’ll never see her again. But i think I’ve proven to myself that I can remain humble in that moment and refrain from telling her that I’ll miss her or anything like that, i think I’ve proven to myself time and time again that I’ll be able to move on and that I won’t slip back into depression over it. Damn, crushes are hard. it certainly built character in me though, and made me a better man than i used to be even though it didn’t work out. I still have faith that love will find me in some shape or another, and I will hold that faith no matter how hopeless things seem.

What have you got for siblings?