I always thought that avoiding/overcoming was the best way, too.
I guess it depends what you're looking for.
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The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence
- Thread starter The Sum of Awe
- Start date
I guess it depends what you're looking for.
Then I think it would be best to start trying to make friendships, especially with women, before trying to start a relationship, because friendships should teach you necessary social skills and will involve less pressure than a relationship could.
One crucial thing to keep in mind is to not go into a friendship expecting it to become a romance. If you treasure friendships for what they are and make it clear to your friends that you appreciate their company and personality without having anything else in mind, you may find yourself developing extremely fulfilling bonds with people and learning a lot of social skills along the way.
What do you find to be the hardest part of making or maintaining a friendship? Is that something you would be willing to work on at this time?
I guess I can't figure out why I'm always nervous when trying to talk to the group I sit by at work, or the people I work with trying to make friendships. That's my only source of community in real life. I don't even entirely know if it's nervousness, as I don't think I really worry about what people think of me, I am just very bad at explaining things and thinking of the right words. I am also just bad at thinking of things to talk about, and especially at being witty with jokes.
RestlessSoul
Well-Known Member
And yet you do all these things really well with the written, rather than spoken word.
Thank you. Yeah, there is quite a difference. I guess I vibe here more, I’m not afraid of appearing too “sophisticated” because I’m around other sophisticated people. Maybe being behind a screen has something to do with it also
Maybe sophisticated isn’t the right word. Likely pedantic as I use big words and I’m pretty literal sometimes.
RestlessSoul
Well-Known Member
Nothing wrong with having a vocabulary; and if you don’t use it, you’ll lose it.
I struggle because sometimes my brain turns super literal... and while I understand what's being said... I burst out giggling because I'll be imagining what the person said, literally.
I just wanted to give an update.
Thank you all for your advices. After friday I felt a little better on Saturday, and Sunday I felt totally top of my game. I felt like I truly accepted myself, that I am who I am. Maybe people see me as humorless, maybe people see me as whatever, but I am who I am and I can't be who I'm not. I literally don't have the ability to be anything that I'm not without being uncomfortable, so I become more comfortable in accepting I am what I am. I wonder if my anxiety I feel is from trying to fight who I am.
It really helped me, @Quagmire, when you suggested that the hopeless feeling may be coming that I want to be what I think she wants in a guy. I can't keep worrying about if she sees me as too mild mannered, or too dry in humor, or whatever my anxiety tells me at the time. Sunday I was confident in saying 'hi' to people, I was confident in walking with good posture, I was confident in the discussions I had with the people I sit by at lunch, I was confident in the silence when around people (I used to think if it went silent and I'm around people then I must be no fun), I was confident in sitting by myself one break... I was even confident when I had an awkward moment around her (I was at the time clock about to punch out, she was in line behind me, and I accidentally clocked out a minute early and then walked in the door further away to avoid her following me out and then me having to hold the door open for her)
I was sometimes not confident when I was working by myself, in the aisle near the bathroom, and people would walk by behind me from time to time and I would stay focused on what I was doing instead of looking to see who it was and acknowledging their presence. For some reason I feel awkward about this still, I see a person passing in my peripheral vision and my mind tells me I should in some way acknowledge their presence. But I refuse to even look up as they pass by because I'm afraid of them seeing me looking at them and then me not knowing what to say, and then I feel like it'd be even ruder to look at someone passing me by and then just looking back at my work like I don't care to say hi or anything.
Thank you all for your advices. After friday I felt a little better on Saturday, and Sunday I felt totally top of my game. I felt like I truly accepted myself, that I am who I am. Maybe people see me as humorless, maybe people see me as whatever, but I am who I am and I can't be who I'm not. I literally don't have the ability to be anything that I'm not without being uncomfortable, so I become more comfortable in accepting I am what I am. I wonder if my anxiety I feel is from trying to fight who I am.
It really helped me, @Quagmire, when you suggested that the hopeless feeling may be coming that I want to be what I think she wants in a guy. I can't keep worrying about if she sees me as too mild mannered, or too dry in humor, or whatever my anxiety tells me at the time. Sunday I was confident in saying 'hi' to people, I was confident in walking with good posture, I was confident in the discussions I had with the people I sit by at lunch, I was confident in the silence when around people (I used to think if it went silent and I'm around people then I must be no fun), I was confident in sitting by myself one break... I was even confident when I had an awkward moment around her (I was at the time clock about to punch out, she was in line behind me, and I accidentally clocked out a minute early and then walked in the door further away to avoid her following me out and then me having to hold the door open for her)
I was sometimes not confident when I was working by myself, in the aisle near the bathroom, and people would walk by behind me from time to time and I would stay focused on what I was doing instead of looking to see who it was and acknowledging their presence. For some reason I feel awkward about this still, I see a person passing in my peripheral vision and my mind tells me I should in some way acknowledge their presence. But I refuse to even look up as they pass by because I'm afraid of them seeing me looking at them and then me not knowing what to say, and then I feel like it'd be even ruder to look at someone passing me by and then just looking back at my work like I don't care to say hi or anything.
I am beginning to think, after stumbling across another lazy day, that I might be over exhausting myself trying to combat my depression by filling my life with activities and hobbies. I need to relax a bit, not completely abolish these hobbies but take it easier.
I don’t know exactly what I want in life. Part of me wanted to be productive, part of me to have accomplished writing, part of me wanted to have some unforeseen endgame of this spiritual journey of finding and becoming myself, part of me thought a relationship may bring happiness.
Maybe happiness isn’t meant to be long lasting. Maybe depression inevitably is a part of my life and will show at times. I don’t know if I really have a goal in life. I might just try to live.
Whatever that means.
I don’t know exactly what I want in life. Part of me wanted to be productive, part of me to have accomplished writing, part of me wanted to have some unforeseen endgame of this spiritual journey of finding and becoming myself, part of me thought a relationship may bring happiness.
Maybe happiness isn’t meant to be long lasting. Maybe depression inevitably is a part of my life and will show at times. I don’t know if I really have a goal in life. I might just try to live.
Whatever that means.
I'm not much for poetry, but this one is extremely meaningful for me:
What does that poem mean to you?I'm not much for poetry, but this one is extremely meaningful for me:
We'll be happy. And sad.
Life isn't a conquest, its a process. And its not all upward. It spikes. Drops.
We do different things.
Who are we, really? You ask my husband, he'll tell you about a different person than my dad will, and both of those stories might be different than what a friend might tell. None of them will be right, but none will be wrong.
What if one doesn't know who they are?
In my opinion, we aren't. Its all a construct, and constantly in flux. We get pieces that we feel comfortable identifying ourselves with, but it changes.
Nobody knows who they are, Sum.
And I think a lot of people cause a lot of unnecessary sadness for themselves by thinking they're supposed to be happy all the time.
In your opinion, to what degree can someone be who they want to be vs who they really are?
Well, who are they?
I have full confidence, that with a lot of work, positive feedback(what the feedback is will vary) and determination, a person can change their habits. Sometimes, a person can change an affliction(not always).
"Todd is usually late to Sunday brunch, but he's got good humor, so we enjoy having him anyways."
We've determined that this Todd guy has the habit of being late and having a good nature towards life. Both of these are habits. Todd can make a conscious effort over time to improve his punctuality if he wants. He might also face a crushing life experience that causes his outlook to change and lose his humor. But, he'll still be Todd.
I guess a person would have to sit down and think on whether what they want to change is a piece that is fundamentally them, or a mere habit(whether it be a positive or negative one).
Today I had two friends over from work, and we all had a really great time. Went to the mall, ate somewhere, watched a movie at my place. I was myself and accepted myself, and everything went well. They are excited to meet up again for a campfire next week. I'm really happy.
I have been invited to go grocery shopping with a coworker (they invited me). (Context: This is a coworker that had been suggesting I learn recipes and cooking, they are teaching me the ropes) And I have 3 people for sure coming to a campfire I'm hosting Wednesday, possibly 6-7 people. I am really happy.