The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[lewisnotmiller]

Hey @The Sum of Awe

I haven't posted in here that I remember before, but I was a weird mix of maturity and immaturity, confidence and extreme shyness when I was young. Not really the case at all now, for both better and worse...lol

So I'm casting back to see if there is anything I can think of that hasn't already been mentioned, and which might be helpful.

One thing that made it easier over time was that I didn't see each individual interaction as super important and meaningful in the way I did when younger. Talking to a shop assistant...particularly a pretty one...was tough! And then, because of the stress, it would go less well. Which made the next one tough. Etc, etc.

I started to look at it as one of a set of interactions. Like...hey, I'm going to talk to 20 shop assistants this month, some will go better than others, but none of them are really life changing. That type of thing.

Trying to force some perspective on yourself about the importance of any one conversation can over time help you put less pressure on yourself. And ultimately that's what is undermining you. Just need a way to hit the release valve.

And stop comparing yourself to others. Your strength is your weakness, and vice versa. Now that I can be casual and confident with everyday conversational transactions, I miss things that old me would have noticed.

Different is ok.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

@The Sum of Awe

You don't know what's going on inside anybody else's head, Sum.

That's true. Old habits are hard to break I suppose (the habit of trying to guess that). Do you not ever think about what people think of you? I can't imagine not doing that for very long.

Just because someone is more outspoken than you are doesn't mean they're better than you in any way.

It certainly doesn't mean they're smarter than you are: some of the least intelligent people are also the loudest.

It also doesn't mean they're stronger than you are: "The loudest person in the room is usually the weakest"--- Frank Lucas, the guy who took over running all the organized crime in Harlem after Bumpy Johnson died.

As far as being less experienced, if that's true it's easy to fix.

All the rest of it too.

As far as having nothing to offer anyone: what is it you think people want from you, or expect from you?

I think you're setting the bar way too high, Man.

I don't know what I think people expect of me. I think that changes as I often find something new to be insecure about, or maybe it's the same thing but it just takes a different form over time. Right now it is finding a balance of 'Am I not saying enough? Am I saying too much?' 'Am I being too serious? Am I trying to force humor too much?' 'Am I being boring? Am I being annoying?' -- I can't seem to find my natural resting place, my 'real self'. Sometimes I can tap into it, but I always seem to lose it and get to thinking of these insecurities.

 

[JustGeorge]

That's true. Old habits are hard to break I suppose (the habit of trying to guess that). Do you not ever think about what people think of you? I can't imagine not doing that for very long.

Why does people thinking about you have to be a negative?

I went shopping with a friend years ago. We were very rude and cruel to each other(that's why she was my favorite). I was dressed up in something fun, and she said "don't you know everybody is looking at you?" Rather than take that as a negative, I told her "Of course they are. I look awesome!"

Perhaps you could try to change your inner dialogue to "people think I'm a hark worker, people find me mysterious, people find me intelligent", etc, etc.

I don't know what I think people expect of me. I think that changes as I often find something new to be insecure about, or maybe it's the same thing but it just takes a different form over time. Right now it is finding a balance of 'Am I not saying enough? Am I saying too much?' 'Am I being too serious? Am I trying to force humor too much?' 'Am I being boring? Am I being annoying?' -- I can't seem to find my natural resting place, my 'real self'. Sometimes I can tap into it, but I always seem to lose it and get to thinking of these insecurities.

Look at people's faces or body language more than sticking in your own head. You'll be able to better gauge how they're feeling than if you're stuck in your own head.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Why does people thinking about you have to be a negative?

I went shopping with a friend years ago. We were very rude and cruel to each other(that's why she was my favorite). I was dressed up in something fun, and she said "don't you know everybody is looking at you?" Rather than take that as a negative, I told her "Of course they are. I look awesome!"

Perhaps you could try to change your inner dialogue to "people think I'm a hark worker, people find me mysterious, people find me intelligent", etc, etc.

Look at people's faces or body language more than sticking in your own head. You'll be able to better gauge how they're feeling than if you're stuck in your own head.

I’ll work on both of these things. I’ll come back and reread this before the fire tomorrow and my date on Thursday. Thank you, these sound like good advices.

 

[Quagmire]

That's true. Old habits are hard to break I suppose (the habit of trying to guess that). Do you not ever think about what people think of you? I can't imagine not doing that for very long.

I don't know what I think people expect of me. I think that changes as I often find something new to be insecure about, or maybe it's the same thing but it just takes a different form over time. Right now it is finding a balance of 'Am I not saying enough? Am I saying too much?' 'Am I being too serious? Am I trying to force humor too much?' 'Am I being boring? Am I being annoying?' -- I can't seem to find my natural resting place, my 'real self'. Sometimes I can tap into it, but I always seem to lose it and get to thinking of these insecurities.

I'm probably not going to have time to answer this today, Sum, but I wanted to wish you good luck for tomorrow.

 

[Exaltist Ethan]

The last part of the quote isn't true for me. I often think about the people I knew when I was younger, although, like 95% of is fondness and part of my reflecting and reminiscing, only like 5% is negative or criticizing others. Even to most of the people who did bad by me.

 

[Koldo]

That's true. Old habits are hard to break I suppose (the habit of trying to guess that). Do you not ever think about what people think of you? I can't imagine not doing that for very long.

The problem is not in thinking about what people think of you. That is actually... healthy, as much as this might come across as surprising. It becomes a problem when you go overboard, which has become a common experience considering what you have been saying so far.

I don't know what I think people expect of me. I think that changes as I often find something new to be insecure about, or maybe it's the same thing but it just takes a different form over time. Right now it is finding a balance of 'Am I not saying enough? Am I saying too much?' 'Am I being too serious? Am I trying to force humor too much?' 'Am I being boring? Am I being annoying?' -- I can't seem to find my natural resting place, my 'real self'. Sometimes I can tap into it, but I always seem to lose it and get to thinking of these insecurities.

It is called self-consciousness.
Sometimes you are going to be boring. Sometimes you are going to say too little... or too much. Sometimes you are going to be annoying. Just like any other human. And that's ok. Nobody is really expecting you to be perfect. And even if you were perfect, not everyone would agree that you are perfect.... so....

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Had a great time at the fire last night, and a great time on my date today. We are already excited for the next time we hang out, haha!

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I can't believe I'm actually connecting with people. It's amazing. Very little anxiety these last two nights.

 

[an anarchist]

I can't believe I'm actually connecting with people. It's amazing. Very little anxiety these last two nights.

Before ya know it, you'll be a natural

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Update:

So I went drinking with her and her friends on Saturday night after work. I told myself 'just have genuine fun, don't worry about if it's gonna work out or if I'm going to mess up' - before when I used to tell myself that I would get anxious anyways, but I suppose after much practice of fighting anxiety I've become very tolerant of it and therefore I didn't get very anxious last night. I even cracked a joke when I first got there. Also the "just have fun" mindset really helped - I didn't have to be witty, I didn't have to be flirty, it's okay if I was quiet even 80% of the time, as long as I was having fun. I ended up being quiet only 70% of the time!

We're still texting, things seem to be going great! It really seems like she likes me by the way she talks to me. Sometimes I wonder if she is iffy about me, but that's also because I'm insecure, and being aware that I'm an insecure person I will just put those thoughts aside and remind myself to not read into things and assume negative things. "Just because she isn't texting back right away doesn't mean she hates me." - I've also am learning to pace my texting.

I really want this to work out, though. She's definitely my type. She's nerdy, she's funny, she's loving, she enjoys actually going out and doing things. I'm going to finally go deep and ask her what she thinks of me, and where she sees this going. Sometime this week I'll ask her that. I hope I didn't jinx it by writing this post, haha.

 

[The Hammer]

I figured I'd just finally make a journal about it since I post about this a lot. It's the biggest thing going on in my life right now, aside from writing my novel, and it's a challenge. I welcome advice, criticism, words of encouragement, all that...

So lately I've been going out in public once or twice a week, visiting a wide variety of places - the mall, coffee shops, book stores, the library. I'm just starting this city-exploring thing, maybe my third week doing it. Just kinda have an idea of: if I see someone I want to approach (someone that's reading something appealing, wearing a shirt that's appealing to me, or a girl that I want to approach) then I will approach them try to start a conversation (hasn't really happened yet and I don't know how good I'll be at initiating a conversation when the time comes)

I went to a Starbucks today and saw a girl sitting by herself doing what I assume was schoolwork on her laptop (it's a college town) and I kinda just sat behind her and hoped she'd approach me (yeah, in my dreams lol). Then I got the idea to get up and try to approach her, but instead I just stretched and walked straight out the door lol (In my head I was worried that "oh she's typing something out on her laptop, I don't want to bother her). Went to my car, then I was like "Well it wouldn't have hurt to ask if I could get her another coffee, worse she would've said was 'no' and I'd never see her again" -- Then I was thinking "Well, in that case why don't I just go back in there right now and ask her that? It'd be extremely weird for me to have walked outside, sat in my car for a few minutes, and then go back in the Starbucks and ask her that - but the worst she'd say is 'no' right?" -- Well, ten minutes went by of contemplating and then I decided to drive off. Yeah it'd probably have been weird to go back in there. If it had only been less than five minutes I might've went back in and asked, but I figured 10 minutes was going to come off as very creepy/weird.

Ah well, who says I won't run into a similar scenario and I can look back at this experience and say "Just do it!"

I'll see what happens next time!

EDIT: I just wanted to say that I am also enjoying myself for the most part in these settings, it was nice to have a coffee there and play on my phone regardless, just getting out of the house.

Where do you live (State? City?)? There is a company near me that sets up events designed for single people to meet. "Events and Adventures".

Events and Adventures | Social Activities Clubs for Singles

Meet other singles naturally, in real life, at Events and Adventures. With over 30 activities a month, there's always a way to get out and meet new people.

eventsandadventures.com

 

[The Sum of Awe]

She came over to my place today, we went for a walk (then it started raining on the way back). Then we went out to eat. I felt a little bit.. I wouldn't say anxious today, but maybe disingenuous? Laughing at jokes I didn't find funny. Or smiling when I didn't need to. Is this normal when you're on your first few dates? At the end I also started getting tired, so I started forcing myself to keep the conversations flowing and thinking of things to say when things got quiet.

Things still went good, we hugged before she left. I think things are still alright (somehow, even though I'm somewhat awkward).

Also I confessed a few things. That I had no relationship experience, and that I had a bit of a dark past (mentioned that I dropped out of high school among other things I was willing to open up about). She seemed alright with it, though, because I told her that I've grown up since then and I think she sees it.

I'm not exactly "smooth" conversation wise, but this is only the third time we've met in person. Do you think things will smooth out over time, where I don't feel 'uncomfortable' around her? Do you think it's strange at all that I feel uncomfortable around her still? We text every day for two weeks now.

 

[Quagmire]

Do you think things will smooth out over time, where I don't feel 'uncomfortable' around her?

Sure.

Do you think it's strange at all that I feel uncomfortable around her still?

Not at all. I don't know how long it's supposed to take to become really comfortable around somebody, but I'm going to guess it's longer than 2 weeks.

I think what you're feeling is pretty natural.

 

[Debater Slayer]

Laughing at jokes I didn't find funny. Or smiling when I didn't need to. Is this normal when you're on your first few dates?

It's fairly common even when meeting new friends, let alone potential romantic partners. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I wouldn't call it disingenuous in this case; sometimes it's just a way of trying to flow with the other person and make both of you more comfortable in the moment. Sometimes it's a sign of courtesy, not disingenuousness. It would be disingenuous if you did it in order to flatter the other person or fake closeness that wasn't there.

I'm not exactly "smooth" conversation wise, but this is only the third time we've met in person. Do you think things will smooth out over time, where I don't feel 'uncomfortable' around her?

It's very possible. Again, this is fairly common with new friends, and a date is usually more stressful than meeting a friend for the first time.

My best friend told me she felt we were both very awkward when we first met. I agreed. It took a few more outings before we started to become... well, best friends.

Do you think it's strange at all that I feel uncomfortable around her still? We text every day for two weeks now.

Very normal considering what you shared above about anxiety and the fact that texting has some major differences from talking in person. You're still easing yourself into her company. I'm not sure whether she feels the same way, but no two people are the same.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

It's fairly common even when meeting new friends, let alone potential romantic partners. I wouldn't worry too much about it.

I wouldn't call it disingenuous in this case; sometimes it's just a way of trying to flow with the other person and make both of you more comfortable in the moment. Sometimes it's a sign of courtesy, not disingenuousness. It would be disingenuous if you did it in order to flatter the other person or fake closeness that wasn't there.



It's very possible. Again, this is fairly common with new friends, and a date is usually more stressful than meeting a friend for the first time.

My best friend told me she felt we were both very awkward when we first met. I agreed. It took a few more outings before we started to become... well, best friends.



Very normal considering what you shared above about anxiety and the fact that texting has some major differences from talking in person. You're still easing yourself into her company. I'm not sure whether she feels the same way, but no two people are the same.

These were very informative answers, thank you. I am also not sure what she truly feels about me. I did ask her on our walk together, she said something along the lines of "Yeah, i could see us being together" but I don't know how sincere it was because she didn't say anything other than that. We cracked a few deep questions like our past dating experiences, what inspired us to start dating, how we feel about each other, I admitted I used to be a trouble-maker. It was a great start, but things are still slow. I will let things just carry on as they may and not rush things.

I'm also feeling less worried if this works out or not, somehow, even though it's still in the air. Maybe we just end up becoming friends, and that's cool with me, she at least seems to like me that way.

 

[JustGeorge]

These were very informative answers, thank you. I am also not sure what she truly feels about me. I did ask her on our walk together, she said something along the lines of "Yeah, i could see us being together" but I don't know how sincere it was because she didn't say anything other than that. We cracked a few deep questions like our past dating experiences, what inspired us to start dating, how we feel about each other, I admitted I used to be a trouble-maker. It was a great start, but things are still slow. I will let things just carry on as they may and not rush things.

She's likely a bit nervous and self conscious, too. Most of us would be, to varying degrees.

I'm also feeling less worried if this works out or not, somehow, even though it's still in the air. Maybe we just end up becoming friends, and that's cool with me, she at least seems to like me that way.

 

[Koldo]

These were very informative answers, thank you. I am also not sure what she truly feels about me. I did ask her on our walk together, she said something along the lines of "Yeah, i could see us being together" but I don't know how sincere it was because she didn't say anything other than that. We cracked a few deep questions like our past dating experiences, what inspired us to start dating, how we feel about each other, I admitted I used to be a trouble-maker. It was a great start, but things are still slow. I will let things just carry on as they may and not rush things.

I'm also feeling less worried if this works out or not, somehow, even though it's still in the air. Maybe we just end up becoming friends, and that's cool with me, she at least seems to like me that way.

I take it the only thing you have done so far is hugging, as far as touching each other goes. Is that correct?

If you haven't kissed her already, this is it!
The timing is absolutely perfect.

If you are feeling unsure she is into you, let me know and I will give you a suggestion on how to easily handle this.

 

[Debater Slayer]

These were very informative answers, thank you. I am also not sure what she truly feels about me. I did ask her on our walk together, she said something along the lines of "Yeah, i could see us being together" but I don't know how sincere it was because she didn't say anything other than that. We cracked a few deep questions like our past dating experiences, what inspired us to start dating, how we feel about each other, I admitted I used to be a trouble-maker. It was a great start, but things are still slow. I will let things just carry on as they may and not rush things.

I'm also feeling less worried if this works out or not, somehow, even though it's still in the air. Maybe we just end up becoming friends, and that's cool with me, she at least seems to like me that way.

Not forcing anything is a good approach, as is not expecting a relationship to work out. As long as you cultivate a habit of being genuinely interested in people and their interests or passions, you may well find yourself making a lot of friends even when you don't end up dating.

As I said earlier on in this thread, friendships with women in particular can teach you a lot of vital social skills. I hope things work out well for both of you whether you enter a relationship or become friends only.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I take it the only thing you have done so far is hugging, as far as touching each other goes. Is that correct?

If you haven't kissed her already, this is it!
The timing is absolutely perfect.

If you are feeling unsure she is into you, let me know and I will give you a suggestion on how to easily handle this.

Well, we layed beside each other in her bed, I had my arm around her, basically spooning with a gap between us (my choice because of shyness). She said, when I slept at her house, "You can either sleep in my room or I have a spare room, your choice." Her friends had told me earlier that night that "she'd appreciate it if you snuggled with her" so I took the option to sleep in her room.

But I just don't know for sure if she totally likes me. I mean, I have no reason not to think that obviously with everything that's happened so far. Maybe it's just her being a bit shy, even though she doesn't seem shy as she is very talkative and open about herself.

On second thought, maybe it's actually me that's been limiting this. I guess I haven't fully expressed myself, only subtly. I told her I'm spiritual but didn't go much into it. I told her I'm a writer, but haven't talked much about it. I have shown a little bit of my humor but haven't ever 'let loose' yet. Maybe it's me. It's something I've been working up to, getting deeper and deeper with her. Do you think a kiss would be a good idea right now?

This is all speculation.