I'm also talking to two very mature girls on Hinder. We've only been talking for a day now. I don't have high expectations, these things never work out and they seem a little out of my league, but I'm being myself and playing my cards.
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The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence
- Thread starter The Sum of Awe
- Start date
The whole going out thing didn't go well. I was way too shy and quiet. Nobody had a problem, I think they expect that of me to some degree. It was pretty severe today. Went to walmart and went out to eat. I couldn't open up much at all. These are people I have been comfortable around before. Why does it have to happen like this? Why did I backslide? Why did I shy up? I hate this. I don't know if I'll ever be normal. And then Wednesday I have a fire with a bunch of people, what if it happens then? At my house? At a party I'm hosting? I'd be so embarrassed.
Should I apologize for my shyness or just pretend it didn't happen?
Which option do you think would make it easier for you to be more comfortable next time?
Koldo
Outstanding Member
Nope. You don't have to apologize for being shy. If anything, THAT would be weird. You are who you are, and as long as you are paying attention to social norms you are fine. A lot of people are shy, so what?
You don't need to pretend it didn't happen either, entirely up to you. If you want to mention it, feel free to do so. If you don't, just let it be.
I can't tell right now. I honestly feel very numb and disappointed in myself from this experience right now.
I did end up apologizing.
Koldo
Outstanding Member
It is very easy to slide back into our comfort zones. Changing the way we behave takes time and patience. Just keep going and keep trying to find your own way. Been a long ride here too facing my social anxiety.
Koldo
Outstanding Member
What for? You are doing absolutely nothing wrong by being/behaving shy. It is okay. You are fighting against your shyness to improve your own life, not anyone else's.
Thanks. I think you're right. I will keep trying.
I don't know, honestly. They didn't seem to mind that I was shy but I hated myself for it so I apologized. I felt like it was better than leaving it unsaid. I also thanked them for showing me the ropes of proper grocery shopping, so it didn't look so pathetic.
Do you honestly think I can change? I really have my doubts. I've been working on this for so long. Granted I haven't really hung out with people outside of work like this until recently, but I have been trying to fight my anxiety for a year and a half now and it keeps coming back.
Koldo
Outstanding Member
You won't become someone else entirely. But yes, I definitely think you can do it.
I don't know if you can relate but here's me: I used to suffer from a lot of social anxiety. Talking in one on one (or within really small groups) was doable if the person in question was a close person/friend. But in a big group? Just no. My mind would either go blank because I was constantly worried about how people would be perceiving me or I was too afraid to say what was on my mind. I was quite good on picking up cues on how to behave to avoid negative reactions but it was impossible to pay attention to everyone and say something that I was sure that everyone would approve. In other words, I was very afraid of rejection. Luckily I never got bullied. I also felt anxious in other situations by the way such as when ordering food in places I didn't know the menu beforehand.
My fear of rejection was so bad that I only had my first kiss somewhere after my twenties. Yup, that bad.
Now how did this improve? First, I tried to rationalize some of it: I figured that if I knew what was going in the news I would have something to talk about if I ever needed to talk to a stranger. Not having a subject in common always increased my anxiety. Second, I figured that people often like to talk about themselves, so asking people about their lives (in a way that doesn't come across as invasive) often lead to conversations that were enjoyable to, at least, the other person. Third, I figured that in a conversation we are equally responsible to keep it interesting. The burden didn't rest entirely on my shoulders. Fourth, I got fed up with suffering in the same way for so long. This one was quite massive. I felt like a punch straight to the nose would at least give my chest some rest. Get what I am saying?
And frequent exposure: I eventually become a Tai Chi student and then a teacher. Meaning I had to put myself out there in the world and Interact with people, effectively leading a group... in public.
Do I still feel anxious? A bit. Particularly depending on the situation. Do social interactions still drain my energy? Yup. Do I still fear? Yes, but a lot less. But I am married now and I am able to talk in groups. Still working on it, I think I always will, but I keep getting stronger even if there are harder days where I wonder if I messed up in a social interaction.
I think you can do it too (I have no idea what are your exact circumstances). You just need to keep trying, and find your own way.
First thing you need to do is to stop beating yourself up about it.
I just realized that's sort of what your signature says. Haha
How can anybody like me when I'm like this though? I will try better, I'll keep trying. I'll try not shooting myself in the foot and just enjoy myself. I mean, that's what I did try to do. That's what I always try to do. I guess if I make a mistake then my head starts to tense up and I get anxious. I am so inferior, unintelligent, inexperienced, soft-spoken, not-witty. I really can't believe anyone would truly like me because I have nothing to offer and I'm so weak.
Who are you comparing yourself to, Sum?
Just about anyone I can think of in person, honestly.
Well stop doing that.
an anarchist
Your local loco.
Have you forgotten, @The Sum of Awe , that you are god(like)?
I'm not trying to push my religion here.
Perhaps this conception that you are worthless comes from Mara, that is my suspicion.
Conquer your pitiful attitude towards yourself! This is the battle before you. Channel your spirituality in this endeavor I recommend.
If you are truly weak and have nothing to offer, then change that! Plus, the best kinds of friends are those who don't expect you to have anything to offer. They just want to be your friend.
@The Sum of Awe
You don't know what's going on inside anybody else's head, Sum.
Just because someone is more outspoken than you are doesn't mean they're better than you in any way.
It certainly doesn't mean they're smarter than you are: some of the least intelligent people are also the loudest.
It also doesn't mean they're stronger than you are: "The loudest person in the room is usually the weakest"--- Frank Lucas, the guy who took over running all the organized crime in Harlem after Bumpy Johnson died.
As far as being less experienced, if that's true it's easy to fix.
All the rest of it too.
As far as having nothing to offer anyone: what is it you think people want from you, or expect from you?
I think you're setting the bar way too high, Man.
You don't know what's going on inside anybody else's head, Sum.
Just because someone is more outspoken than you are doesn't mean they're better than you in any way.
It certainly doesn't mean they're smarter than you are: some of the least intelligent people are also the loudest.
It also doesn't mean they're stronger than you are: "The loudest person in the room is usually the weakest"--- Frank Lucas, the guy who took over running all the organized crime in Harlem after Bumpy Johnson died.
As far as being less experienced, if that's true it's easy to fix.
All the rest of it too.
As far as having nothing to offer anyone: what is it you think people want from you, or expect from you?
I think you're setting the bar way too high, Man.