The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[JustGeorge]

Sorry that I've misstated things. Admittedly I'm very indecisive, I think that I want something but don't really know until confronted with the thought process more, no matter how much I've already thought about it. Sometimes I can sense that I might not want something and I can think of a million reasons but I can't pinpoint why until I'm face to face with it.

That's okay.

When it comes to situations like this, best to be sure.

 

[Koldo]

Sorry that I've misstated things. Admittedly I'm very indecisive, I think that I want something but don't really know until confronted with the thought process more, no matter how much I've already thought about it. Sometimes I can sense that I might not want something and I can think of a million reasons but I can't pinpoint why until I'm face to face with it.

Ah, no need to apologize!

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I feel like it isn't going anywhere with this girl. She doesn't put much effort into texting or asking me questions or bringing the conversation back to me. I put all of the effort into making the conversation interesting by asking her questions so that she can expand on what she's talking about, I show interest and enthusiasm in her stories. Then I tell her what's going on in my day and I maybe get a mild reaction or a single question.

Not to mention I somewhat said a touchy-feely thing again yesterday, to emphasize what I said when we had our deep talk the day prior. She said "Oh I'm an easy going person. It's okay we talked it all out yesterday" - I mean, that seems kinda dismissive. It wasn't outright dismissive, but it's like we talked deep once already, don't need to do it again do we?

I can't pursue this as a relationship, I'll see if she's open to being friends that hang out now and again because it's nice to have company, but I can't do a relationship with a one-sided conversationalist. Or am I perhaps missing something here? Is there something I can try to do to help with this before I call it quits entirely?

I'm kind of upset. I thought this was it. And the people I told about her when I got all excited? Probably won't even think she existed, or won't believe me when I tell them it was me that turned her down. Back to being alone again, I suppose. How much longer?

 

[JustGeorge]

I feel like it isn't going anywhere with this girl. She doesn't put much effort into texting or asking me questions or bringing the conversation back to me. I put all of the effort into making the conversation interesting by asking her questions so that she can expand on what she's talking about, I show interest and enthusiasm in her stories. Then I tell her what's going on in my day and I maybe get a mild reaction or a single question.

Not to mention I somewhat said a touchy-feely thing again yesterday, to emphasize what I said when we had our deep talk the day prior. She said "Oh I'm an easy going person. It's okay we talked it all out yesterday" - I mean, that seems kinda dismissive. It wasn't outright dismissive, but it's like we talked deep once already, don't need to do it again do we?

I can't pursue this as a relationship, I'll see if she's open to being friends that hang out now and again because it's nice to have company, but I can't do a relationship with a one-sided conversationalist. Or am I perhaps missing something here? Is there something I can try to do to help with this before I call it quits entirely?

I'm kind of upset. I thought this was it. And the people I told about her when I got all excited? Probably won't even think she existed, or won't believe me when I tell them it was me that turned her down. Back to being alone again, I suppose. How much longer?

If your gut tells you this isn't the one, I'd listen to it.

On the other hand, if she's doing something directly that turns you off(in this case, being more interested in herself than you), you can always let her know. "Hey, I notice when we talk, most of the conversation is about you. I'm not sure if you're just enjoying the attention you're getting from me, or if you're actually interested in me, as a person." (Just an example.)

I also feel the need to throw out there that because you didn't really take the bait to be 'boyfriend' during
the last conversation(if I'm understanding right), that the "Oh, I'm an easy going person...." comment might be either feeling awkward or not wanting to push. But, that's just my own two cents.

However if you don't "think this is it" this early on... it probably isn't.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

If your gut tells you this isn't the one, I'd listen to it.

On the other hand, if she's doing something directly that turns you off(in this case, being more interested in herself than you), you can always let her know. "Hey, I notice when we talk, most of the conversation is about you. I'm not sure if you're just enjoying the attention you're getting from me, or if you're actually interested in me, as a person." (Just an example.)

I fear then that she would feel forced to ask me things that she doesn't want, and it would not be genuine interest. But that does describe how I feel, that she may just be enjoying the attention she's getting from me.

I also feel the need to throw out there that because you didn't really take the bait to be 'boyfriend' during
the last conversation(if I'm understanding right), that the "Oh, I'm an easy going person...." comment might be either feeling awkward or not wanting to push. But, that's just my own two cents.

That could be it. Something to consider for sure.

However if you don't "think this is it" this early on... it probably isn't.

Are you saying that I would likely have had feelings by now?

 

[JustGeorge]

I fear then that she would feel forced to ask me things that she doesn't want, and it would not be genuine interest. But that does describe how I feel, that she may just be enjoying the attention she's getting from me.

Its possible. Or she's just not very socially wise. Sometimes people that like to talk about themselves assume that if someone wants to say something about themselves they will without waiting to be asked.

That could be it. Something to consider for sure.

Are you saying that I would likely have had feelings by now?

I would think there'd be some kind of 'spark'. However, I know I'm wired weird. I'm curious as to what others think here.

 

[Riders]

Did you ever watch Happy Days? Did you ever see the episode where Fonze taught Richie how to find women at the grocery store and Richie ended up being the front guy unknowingly for a woman who was shoplifting? That was funny.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Its possible. Or she's just not very socially wise. Sometimes people that like to talk about themselves assume that if someone wants to say something about themselves they will without waiting to be asked.

I am very terrible at thinking of things to say haha, I try my best. But it's better for me when people ask, so I know what they want to know.

I would think there'd be some kind of 'spark'. However, I know I'm wired weird. I'm curious as to what others think here.

 

[Koldo]

I feel like it isn't going anywhere with this girl. She doesn't put much effort into texting or asking me questions or bringing the conversation back to me. I put all of the effort into making the conversation interesting by asking her questions so that she can expand on what she's talking about, I show interest and enthusiasm in her stories. Then I tell her what's going on in my day and I maybe get a mild reaction or a single question.

Not to mention I somewhat said a touchy-feely thing again yesterday, to emphasize what I said when we had our deep talk the day prior. She said "Oh I'm an easy going person. It's okay we talked it all out yesterday" - I mean, that seems kinda dismissive. It wasn't outright dismissive, but it's like we talked deep once already, don't need to do it again do we?

I can't pursue this as a relationship, I'll see if she's open to being friends that hang out now and again because it's nice to have company, but I can't do a relationship with a one-sided conversationalist. Or am I perhaps missing something here? Is there something I can try to do to help with this before I call it quits entirely?

I'm kind of upset. I thought this was it. And the people I told about her when I got all excited? Probably won't even think she existed, or won't believe me when I tell them it was me that turned her down. Back to being alone again, I suppose. How much longer?

From the sound of it, it seems like you two are looking for different things. If I had to take a guess, she wants to get physical and then figure out whether there will be an emotional connection. While you want an emotional connection before getting physical. Take this guess with a grain of salt though.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I think I am getting closer with the girl I've been talking to.

I feel a bit ashamed of what I've said earlier. I guess I didn't feel much affection between us in the earlier stages, but I think it's building. We are more back and forth, the conversations are flowing better. I don't know what happened but she started asking me more questions, I started expanding my answers and stopped being so afraid to talk about myself (I've always had this fear that if I talk about myself a lot then I must be selfish, but I'm starting to counterbalance that thought with the fact that I listen to what others say and also ask them questions to which they can expand on themselves).

I will admit I still have some strong feelings for my crush. She stopped working with us on our shift, didn't even say goodbye to me. She tried to say something friendly on her last day "There's pizza left if you want to take some home" but me being devastated about her still, I just nodded and said nothing. Maybe that's why she didn't say goodbye. I really wish I had gone about the whole thing differently, if I could just meet her again for the first time with the confidence I have in myself now, I think we would've been perfect for each other. I still think if I had her in my life I'd have been complete, everything would've been perfect, for both of us. It's a shame I have to let her go. And there's still rumors that she might not stay with the guy she's with for too long, she's still considering breaking up with him by the sound of it from her friend (who I am also starting to become friends with). I wish I had expressed myself to her, we vibed so well and our conversations were always great, but I was always afraid to talk to her. And whenever I did I tried to impress her, I tried being Mr. Perfect. I still want to just pour all this out to her, tell her everything. How I feel about her, how I know I screwed up and was disingenuous trying to be Mr. Perfect, I feel like if I just opened up about everything, told her exactly what it is word for word, maybe she'd understand.

But in the end, I think I should maybe let this go for my own self respect. I should just be grateful for the woman I'm talking to now, and I should put more effort into it. Maybe she doesn't have all of the qualities my past crush has, but if affection comes then I shouldn't be greedy to desire more than that.

I think I can let my past crush go if I put effort into forgetting about her, and I think I can build something with this girl I'm talking to. I still will refrain from asking her out until I'm certain this is what I want. But I can't get it off my mind... what if my past crush ends up breaking up with the loser she's with? And then I swung in for a rebound, told her everything from the heart in a non-pathetic way? What if it would work out? What if she'd give me a chance?

I should let her go... it is certainly hard though, especially with those what-if's.

Heh, maybe I am selfish after all. But if I was really selfish, would I really be putting off asking this girl out and making bigger moves because of my uncertainty? Wouldn't a selfish person just disregard how she feels and take the label to get selfish pleasure from it?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Sorry about my last post. I guess that proves I'm an ungrateful person, maybe a user. I can't be that. I need to let go and forget entirely about the ex-crush. It's over. I want it to work out with this new woman I've met, and I can't be that awful guy who thinks of women like cars comparing which one is better than the other. I'm sorry if I seem like a monster.

 

[JustGeorge]

Sorry about my last post. I guess that proves I'm an ungrateful person, maybe a user. I can't be that. I need to let go and forget entirely about the ex-crush. It's over. I want it to work out with this new woman I've met, and I can't be that awful guy who thinks of women like cars comparing which one is better than the other. I'm sorry if I seem like a monster.

You don't sound like user. Definitely not a monster.

You sound very human, and that's perfectly fine.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

You don't sound like user. Definitely not a monster.

You sound very human, and that's perfectly fine.

I appreciate that. I am still learning to be mature.

 

[JustGeorge]

I appreciate that. I am still learning to be mature.

All of us are. I don't think any of us ever gets it 100%.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Another antisocial and depressing day where I lost trust in people for little to no reason. I decided to not sit by the people I usually sit by at lunch, I just don't feel welcomed. I can't exactly pinpoint why, tone of voice maybe? Both of my last two jobs ended with me growing delusions that coworkers and bosses were out to get me, and it's been happening again here (it has been going on for almost a year now). And on top of that I just can't keep up with them, I think I just don't fit in anyways. Also I was very avoidant of eye contact today and gave short answers to things. I won't let this day ruin the confidence I've made for myself, but I hate that my social skills seem permanently ruined. I've been fighting for over a year and I keep having days where I think people hate me or have an agenda against me, then I avoid socializing, then I hate myself.

I said goodbye to my ex-crush last night. I wanted to resist ever talking to her again, lest I look pathetic and like I can't get over her (which I suspect she and everyone at my job thinks), but I messaged her on facebook "You quitter" and we had a little exchange of words, I said "Enjoy your new job. Been nice working with you." and I know that means goodbye. I'm satisfied I got to say goodbye. I really think it's over, that's the end. I have no more energy to try to chase her anymore, I have no more things to say, and it was a good ending. That's it.

Things are going well between Moe (not her real name, the girl I've been dating/texting) and I. We text back and forth. We had a bit of a debate last night (she has a frayed ACL and was told to rest it this week, she wanted to play Volleyball already next week whether it's hurting or not, I said it wasn't wise and if it's still hurting she should go to the doctor) we ended up agreeing to disagree, I said I trust that you know your limits and apologized this morning for debating. She appreciated the apology.

She hasn't been able to hang out all week, it kinda made me feel bad, but I understand she was busy and with her leg hurting on top of it. We're still talking really good (some conversations are a miss, some pop well). I have faith in this working out.

 

[Quagmire]

Another antisocial and depressing day where I lost trust in people for little to no reason. I decided to not sit by the people I usually sit by at lunch, I just don't feel welcomed. I can't exactly pinpoint why, tone of voice maybe? Both of my last two jobs ended with me growing delusions that coworkers and bosses were out to get me, and it's been happening again here (it has been going on for almost a year now). And on top of that I just can't keep up with them, I think I just don't fit in anyways. Also I was very avoidant of eye contact today and gave short answers to things. I won't let this day ruin the confidence I've made for myself, but I hate that my social skills seem permanently ruined. I've been fighting for over a year and I keep having days where I think people hate me or have an agenda against me, then I avoid socializing, then I hate myself.

Progress is never in a straight line, Sum. Two steps forward, one step back. Or even if it's 10 steps forwardand, 9 steps back .

As long as you're moving in the right direction, that's all that matters.

You're grieving a loss right now, so it's natural to feel less social than usual.

Grief, pain, distorts our perceptions, so don't believe everything your head is telling you right now.

I said goodbye to my ex-crush last night. I wanted to resist ever talking to her again, lest I look pathetic and like I can't get over her (which I suspect she and everyone at my job thinks), but I messaged her on facebook "You quitter" and we had a little exchange of words, I said "Enjoy your new job. Been nice working with you." and I know that means goodbye. I'm satisfied I got to say goodbye. I really think it's over, that's the end. I have no more energy to try to chase her anymore, I have no more things to say, and it was a good ending. That's it.

Sometimes a good ending is the best you can hope for.

 

[Debater Slayer]

Another antisocial and depressing day where I lost trust in people for little to no reason. I decided to not sit by the people I usually sit by at lunch, I just don't feel welcomed. I can't exactly pinpoint why, tone of voice maybe? Both of my last two jobs ended with me growing delusions that coworkers and bosses were out to get me, and it's been happening again here (it has been going on for almost a year now). And on top of that I just can't keep up with them, I think I just don't fit in anyways. Also I was very avoidant of eye contact today and gave short answers to things. I won't let this day ruin the confidence I've made for myself, but I hate that my social skills seem permanently ruined. I've been fighting for over a year and I keep having days where I think people hate me or have an agenda against me, then I avoid socializing, then I hate myself.

What you're feeling is natural after an uncomfortable social experience. Trust me: it can and will get easier over time to move on from such experiences where you don't connect well with anyone in a specific setting or social circle.

To put this into further perspective, how many people were you hanging out with when you felt that you weren't welcomed? I'm going with an arbitrary and generous estimate of 30, which I'm almost sure is larger than the actual number. Iowa alone has over three million people. This means that the 30 people with whom you didn't feel welcome represent 1/100,000 of Iowa's population. We're talking about one state, too. For almost anything in life, is a sample size of 1/100,000 sufficient to form any definitive conclusions? Is it representative of the whole picture?

I'm not saying this to invalidate how you're feeling; as I said, it's natural, and it's definitely valid. I'm only sharing my own thought process that has helped me to process and move past some of the most uncomfortable social experiences I've had, from being incompatible with potential friends to blaming myself and feeling bad for not fitting in or dwelling on what I could have done to perhaps "make things work" with a potential friend.

Sometimes it helps to think of it this way: did you not fit in with them, or did they not fit in with you? Or both? I think it's usually both. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with either of you; just that you can find other people with whom you can connect more.

You're making progress. Last week, you hung out with a group of people and decided they weren't suitable for you, which is perfectly fine. Weeks before that, perhaps you wouldn't have even been confident enough to hang out with them and make that determination. Between those two periods, there has been a marked improvement, but there's also room for more progress, and it will come as long as you keep working on it.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

1. What you're feeling is natural after an uncomfortable social experience. Trust me: it can and will get easier over time to move on from such experiences where you don't connect well with anyone in a specific setting or social circle.
   
   To put this into further perspective, how many people were you hanging out with when you felt that you weren't welcomed? I'm going with an arbitrary and generous estimate of 30, which I'm almost sure is larger than the actual number. Iowa alone has over three million people. This means that the 30 people with whom you didn't feel welcome represent 1/100,000 of Iowa's population. We're talking about one state, too. For almost anything in life, is a sample size of 1/100,000 sufficient to form any definitive conclusions? Is it representative of the whole picture?
   
   I'm not saying this to invalidate how you're feeling; as I said, it's natural, and it's definitely valid. I'm only sharing my own thought process that has helped me to process and move past some of the most uncomfortable social experiences I've had, from being incompatible with potential friends to blaming myself and feeling bad for not fitting in or dwelling on what I could have done to perhaps "make things work" with a potential friend.
   
   Sometimes it helps to think of it this way: did you not fit in with them, or did they not fit in with you? Or both? I think it's usually both. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with either of you; just that you can find other people with whom you can connect more.
   
   You're making progress. Last week, you hung out with a group of people and decided they weren't suitable for you, which is perfectly fine. Weeks before that, perhaps you wouldn't have even been confident enough to hang out with them and make that determination. Between those two periods, there has been a marked improvement, but there's also room for more progress, and it will come as long as you keep working on it.

   Thanks DS, I will keep working at it. I will forgive myself when I am quiet and awkward sometimes.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Back to square zero.

I broke it off with my date. Maybe I should've went on a couple more dates before deciding... she was a great person, very responsible and kind, but I just didn't feel like she was what I was looking for. I don't think we had much in common. She did end up getting better at asking me questions as well so the conversations didn't feel so one sided. But ultimately I didn't feel our conversations went as far as I'd expected them to.

I ended it with a proper goodbye, a good explanation, and told her it was fun talking to her it was just time to move on. It was definitely respectful and mutual. In fact, I asked her "What say you?" I suppose I could've worded the question better, but it left it open to her wanting to keep things going.

I do regret it, I should've given her more of a chance. But I had started talking to another girl (since I wasn't committed I didn't see anything wrong with that, also since I didn't feel a great vibe I just wanted to see who else was out there). The first conversation went extremely well, we really connected and the conversation went deep and in many directions. But, later in the day I talked to her over the phone and she had a very loaded personality: severe ADHD, life full of drama, a "I say it how it is" kinda personality (taken to the extreme)... just too much. I ended up ghosting her (since we only had two conversations I didn't feel the need to give a proper goodbye, as rude as it may seem I don't think it was improper).

Back to square zero. I regret ending things with the original girl, but maybe it was for the best. Who knows when I'll match with anyone else? Well, I have faith. And this month of dating/texting experience might prove to be beneficial.

 

[JustGeorge]

Back to square zero.

I broke it off with my date. Maybe I should've went on a couple more dates before deciding... she was a great person, very responsible and kind, but I just didn't feel like she was what I was looking for. I don't think we had much in common. She did end up getting better at asking me questions as well so the conversations didn't feel so one sided. But ultimately I didn't feel our conversations went as far as I'd expected them to.

I ended it with a proper goodbye, a good explanation, and told her it was fun talking to her it was just time to move on. It was definitely respectful and mutual. In fact, I asked her "What say you?" I suppose I could've worded the question better, but it left it open to her wanting to keep things going.

I do regret it, I should've given her more of a chance. But I had started talking to another girl (since I wasn't committed I didn't see anything wrong with that, also since I didn't feel a great vibe I just wanted to see who else was out there). The first conversation went extremely well, we really connected and the conversation went deep and in many directions. But, later in the day I talked to her over the phone and she had a very loaded personality: severe ADHD, life full of drama, a "I say it how it is" kinda personality (taken to the extreme)... just too much. I ended up ghosting her (since we only had two conversations I didn't feel the need to give a proper goodbye, as rude as it may seem I don't think it was improper).

Back to square zero. I regret ending things with the original girl, but maybe it was for the best. Who knows when I'll match with anyone else? Well, I have faith. And this month of dating/texting experience might prove to be beneficial.

Is it really square zero?

After following along in this journal thread, it seems to me you've learned a lot about both yourself, and navigating the dating world. Even if this didn't land you 'the one', I feel that you're making good progress.

Just my thoughts.