I genuinely believed in God and tried to trust in him for about 40 years, and it was also a total waste of time for me as well. I was barely seven years old when I first prayed to God, asking him to stop my adoptive mother from hurting me. I remember telling God that my mother hurts me when she hits me. I told him that she hits me, screams at me, and she told me that I was a bad child. However, God never answered that prayer or any of the countless prayers I prayed as a child and teenager, asking him to protect me from my abusive mother and older brother, who both would hit me, bully me, degrade me, and threaten me. But, like my extended family, the neighbors, my teachers at school, the pastor and congregation at church, and everyone else in town who knew I was being abused, God never lifted a finger to defend and save me from being abused at home and bullied at school on a daily basis. Despite the abuse and bullying I was suffering at home and in school, I still sincerely believed in God and continued to pray to him for most of my life. I recall sitting in church while growing up and listening to a pastor talk about God's love and mercy and how we can pray to him in Jesus' name and he would help us.
I remember thinking about how often I sincerely prayed to God (completing the prayer with "in Jesus' name"), asking him to protect me, but nothing ever happened. I was abused at home for thirteen and a half years, and I endured bullying at school for twelve years. I recall some Christians telling me it was my fault that I was abused, bullied, and mistreated while growing up, either because I had unconfessed sin in my life (which evidently prevented God from protecting me) or because I lacked significant faith in God's ability to save me. And while that was hurtful, it was nothing in comparison to having a pastor call me a "cursed soul" and tell me that God hates me and that I suffered abuse because God was punishing me for the sins of my biological parents. He told me that there was nothing I could do to stop God from hating me. I believed him since the Bible says God hates and teaches about generational sins.
I began to genuinely believe in God when I was almost seven years old, after I went to church with my aunt. I became a Christian when I was seventeen, and I renounced my Christian faith when I was forty-seven. I was finally honest enough with myself to acknowledge and admit to myself that believing in God and having faith and trust in him was completely worthless and a total waste of my time. However, I have no doubt that renouncing my belief and faith in God was the best decision that I've ever made for my mental health and emotional well-being. It is only second to the decision I made shortly after turning eighteen to confront my abusive mother and brother. I saved myself from the abuse I was suffering at home. God had nothing to do with it.
