Ask an Atheist, Get a Snide, Sarcastic Response

[Kerr]

Dear Kerr,

You need to learn that when people bury you alive, they want you to STAY there!

Regards,
Morse

Dear Morse,

I am sorry, I just don´t give a damn. Want to fail again?

Take care,
Kerr.

 

[Morse]

You type like girl, you led me astray. No wonder I fit in with the atheists.

Dear dogsgod,

How do I type like a girl?
You make no sense,

And I want to go into that

Piece

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear atheist,

How is it, as the freely sinning baby-killer that you are, with all those laws and morals to crush under your Gestapo heel each day, that you can always have the time to answer all of our inane questions with such grace and humility?

Awaiting enlightenment,
your pious servant :bow:
DS

Dear DS,
A fair and insightful query! The key is to not waste time on trying to change things. Leave that to the activists. Contrary to what most people think, most good atheists are not activists at all. Sure, we may complain about peoples' wrong ideas, but we need to spend far too much of our time selfishly pursuing hedonistic pleasures to waste our time trying to change things. Besides, any good atheist is far to cynical to think that anything can be done about what's wrong with the world. Why worry about it? Just let the good times roll.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Snide Atheist,

An atheist once told me that the best way to load babies into an incinerator is to use a pitchfork. That way you can tell the dead ones from the live ones (the live ones make the pitchfork shake in your hands). My question is, why did he care?

Jackytar

Dear Jackytar,
Your query has given me so many bleeding ulcers, that I had to buy the stomach of an Asian child on the black market! I have absolutely no idea why he would care. If I'm incinerating babies, I don't care whether they are live or dead. To be honest, this sounds more like something out of the history of the Catholic church than anything to do with atheists. Religionists often try to paint atheists as evil to cover for their own sordid history of atrocities.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Atheist,
Who exactly thought you had the intellectual capacity to advise so much as a rusty tire iron?

Regards,
Morse

Dear Morse,
I see your mental deterioration has only accelerated since your last query! Considering the number of queries you have sent me, I'd say the answer is quite clear. I realize my advice may not be what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. The fact that you keep asking me questions shows that you know this to be true on some level. Don't despair - your continual queries show that there is hope for you yet.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Morse]

Dear Morse,
I see your mental deterioration has only accelerated since your last query! Considering the number of queries you have sent me, I'd say the answer is quite clear. I realize my advice may not be what you want to hear, but it is what you need to hear. The fact that you keep asking me questions shows that you know this to be true on some level. Don't despair - your continual queries show that there is hope for you yet.
Sincerely,
ATS

Dear Prokaryote,
I see that you still fail to see why I continually submit inquiries. But that is understandable. I could not realistically expect an organism such as yourself to be able to read, and thus you probably haven't seen my compilations (Sold at all bookstores near you). If you find yourself learning to read, I suggest you purchase Volume 5: Answers of an Autistic Atheist, as you are featured prominently.

Regards,
Morse

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Prokaryote,
I see that you still fail to see why I continually submit inquiries. But that is understandable. I could not realistically expect an organism such as yourself to be able to read, and thus you probably haven't seen my compilations (Sold at all bookstores near you). If you find yourself learning to read, I suggest you purchase Volume 5: Answers of an Autistic Atheist, as you are featured prominently.

Regards,
Morse

Dear Morse,
Perhaps you should look into getting your head frozen to slow down the cerebral decomposition inside your skull! You couldn't be more wrong. You still fail to see why you continually submit inqueries. I have enough experience dealing with the emotionally needy to recognize when one is repeatedly crying out to me for help. Listen, I'm here to help you, but you have to take the first step and put your trust in a higher power - namely me. Only then will you be able to tackle your addiction to fantasy and delusional thinking. Go ahead, take the first step.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Daemon Sophic]

opcorn:

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Gentle Readers,
The Snide, Sarcastic Atheist is back from an extended hiatus which involved countless acts of drug-fueled fornication and unsuccessful attempts to fill the emotional void caused by a worldview of evolution and no afterlife. If you have any more mind-numbingly annoying and moronic queries you would like answered, I'll respond when, and if, I feel like it.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[rageoftyrael]

Hey, atotalstranger, why do atheists think people came from monkeys? I mean, seriously, there is NO way we could have come from monkeys. Right?

 

[tumbleweed41]

Dear Snide Atheist.

My wife is after me to shovel the sidewalk. But I am afraid if I do it will be an open invitation for various proselytizers to come to my door.
What should I do?


Signed,
Snowed In And Loving It.

 

[JMorris]

Hey, atotalstranger, why do atheists think people came from monkeys? I mean, seriously, there is NO way we could have come from monkeys. Right?

duh, of course not. for one, i dont have a tail, and two, im special, monkeys arent

 

[tumbleweed41]

Dear Snide Atheist.

My wife is after me to shovel the sidewalk. But I am afraid if I do it will be an open invitation for various proselytizers to come to my door.
What should I do?


Signed,
Snowed In And Loving It.

Never mind. Snow is melting......

Just a sec, someones at the door..........

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Hey, atotalstranger, why do atheists think people came from monkeys? I mean, seriously, there is NO way we could have come from monkeys. Right?

Dear rageoftyrael,
Reading your query has made me throw my feces at the computer screen! Atheists don't think that people came from monkeys, only that those moronic enough to reject evolution did. Obviously, those simple enough to believe that some fictional guy with a white beard created them, are intellectually equal enough to feces-throwing monkeys, to be considered the same species. Atheists, on the other hand, were planted here by an advanced alien species to keep an eye on the zoo, and to get plastered as often as possible.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Snide Atheist.

My wife is after me to shovel the sidewalk. But I am afraid if I do it will be an open invitation for various proselytizers to come to my door.
What should I do?

Signed,
Snowed In And Loving It.

Dear SIALI,
I can only assume that your head was buried in snowdrift for an extended period of time! You need to realize that most tools have multiple purposes. The same shovel you use to clear your walkway, can also be used to try to beat some sense into anyone both idiotic enough to try to convince others that their delusions of god are real, and moronic enough to walk around door-to-door in wintry weather, instead of kicking back with a hot cup of cocoa spiked with quaaludes.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[monta]

Is it true that if you speed up the molecules of a monkey it will ultimately become human and probably ask you to stop, before killing you with your own molecular accelerator?

 

[VeganCrustAtheist]

Since you're an atheist, you believe that the universe was created out of nothing. That's impossible! The only possible way is a being powerful enough to create the universe out of nothing came from nothing and created the universe out of nothing!

LOGIC IN YOUR FACE LOGIC IN YOUR FACE LOGIC IN YOUR FACE LOGIC IN YOUR FACE LOGIC IN YOUR FAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACE

All atheist worship Darwin and hate people with disabilities. A belief in the evil religion of evilution leads to rape and murder. If evolution was true, why are there no "half something half something else"? If evolution is true, then this is the chain we would see: a singled cell organism-fish-monkey. That's not at all like the gradual change over time we see today.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Is it true that if you speed up the molecules of a monkey it will ultimately become human and probably ask you to stop, before killing you with your own molecular accelerator?

Dear monta,
I find it incredibly surprising that you have internet access in the padded room in which you're kept! Speeding up the molecules in a monkey will not make it a human. It will simply make it a very hot monkey. In turn, scientists can't help but copulate with these very hot monkeys, thereby resulting in various scientist-monkey hybrids, including, most notably, the Irish. Another unforeseen disaster caused by the hubris of science!
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Danmac]

Dear Quagmire,
Answering your question makes me want to gouge my right eye out with a fork, which I would gladly do if I hadn't already gouged out my left one after simply reading your question! First of all, we don't want to hurt god's feelings, we want to cause him extreme agony by crushing his testicles in a vice. In fact, this is why the coward will not show himself. Secondly, anyone who believes that people could live to be 600 years old should be sailed across the great sea and hurled off the edge of the world into the void, forever falling past turtle after turtle.
Sincerely,
ATS

I will wink at you on judgment day.

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

Dear ATS,
What do you think of the idea of Judgment Day?
Sincerely,
TOR