Ask an Atheist, Get a Snide, Sarcastic Response

[*Anne*]

Dear Atheist,

Thank you for your thoughtful reply. I'm thrilled to hear that you too enjoy all that Christmas has to offer. In addition, what a surprise to hear that you watch "The Factor"! You are quickly turning out to be one of my favorite forum members.

Ha ha...I said "favorite member"...

Love,

Anne (who loves Christmas trees)

 

[Kilgore Trout]

If I ask you a question, am I going to get a snide, sarcastic response?

Dear dust1n,
Your inquiry has instilled the strong and persistent hope in me that a large asteroid strikes the earth and wipes out all life on our planet! I can only assume from your question that you're unaware of the fact that atheists do not lie. An atheist offers you a snide, sarcastic response, you're going to get a snide, sarcastic response. We are simply unable to express things that are untrue, whether it's a fantasy about all-powerful beings who love humans, fictional wishes of being rewarded with everlasting paradise for remaining an ignorant nitwit, or denying the hard, cold fact that life is a brief, pointless, meaningless flash of depression and misery. Enjoy the rest of your day!
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Danmac]

Dear ATS

Is it true that atheists live in denial?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Atheist,

My wife of 12 years seems distant. She is going out late at nights. She doesn't return my calls. We haven't had sex in such a long time. Do you think she has become atheist and is that reason enough to get an anullment. I have my eye on this new young thing.

Dear bob,
Any insult I could throw at you, would be nothing compared to the humiliation of the long, pathetic life ahead of you! I have no idea whether your wife is an atheist or not, but if your wife of 12 years is regularly getting boned by another man, then you're delusional if you think some new young thing is going to be interested in you. Unless, of course, by "new young thing," you mean the crackhead whore who hangs out in the alley behind your house. In that case, I say "go for it." Just make sure you have plenty of baking soda and spoons on hand, so you don't get yourself in this situation again.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear ATS,

What do you think of the rectum as a hole?

Dear JustWondering2,
I really, really try not to. Thanks for screwing that up, jerk.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear ATS

Is it true that atheists live in denial?

Dear Danmac,
Apparently your body is living in denial of the fact that your brain stopped working ages ago! Of course atheists live in denial. How else could we make it through the day? Just look at the facts. The vast majority of people walking around believe that some invisible sky daddy is going to reward them with eternal paradise after they die. That's frightening. The only way we can cope with constantly being surrounded by millions and millions of delusional nutjobs is to live in denial. When you're a sane person trapped in the nut house, denial is your only hope. Well, that and copious amounts of alcohol.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Buttercup]

Apparently your body is living in denial of the fact that your brain stopped working ages ago!

That sentence is SO very quotable. Thank you, Mr. Atheist for giving me another smart *** quip for my own personal usage.

 

[Danmac]

Dear Danmac,
Apparently your body is living in denial of the fact that your brain stopped working ages ago! Of course atheists live in denial. How else could we make it through the day? Just look at the facts. The vast majority of people walking around believe that some invisible sky daddy is going to reward them with eternal paradise after they die. That's frightening. The only way we can cope with constantly being surrounded by millions and millions of delusional nutjobs is to live in denial. When you're a sane person trapped in the nut house, denial is your only hope. Well, that and copious amounts of alcohol.
Sincerely,
ATS

I can see that the alcohol is working just fine. Sobering up to respond to posts is always a plus though.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

I can see that the alcohol is working just fine. Sobering up to respond to posts is always a plus though.

Dear Danmac,
Spoken like a true alcoholic! While sobering up to respond to posts sounds good on the surface, what people don't realize, is that if I didn't have a buzz while responding to these moronic queries, I wouldn't be candy-coating my responses. If I really let loose with the truth, all the half-wits and delusional bible-nuts would keel over from severe brain hemorrhaging. And although this would probably be doing the world a favor, I don't really want the blood on my hands. It might distract me too much from tonight's orgy.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Danmac]

Dear Danmac,
Spoken like a true alcoholic! While sobering up to respond to posts sounds good on the surface, what people don't realize, is that if I didn't have a buzz while responding to these moronic queries, I wouldn't be candy-coating my responses. If I really let loose with the truth, all the half-wits and delusional bible-nuts would keel over from severe brain hemorrhaging. And although this would probably be doing the world a favor, I don't really want the blood on my hands. It might distract me too much from tonight's orgy.
Sincerely,
ATS

Actually I think my delusional episodes are purple microdot flashbacks from the 70's. I just love all them pretty colors. :rainbow1: Gotta go for now, I feel a brain hemorrhage coming on. Gotta read fast and get out quick. My tolerance is a bit low.

 

[painted wolf]

Why are you atheists so snide, sarcastic, sad and grumpy?
Is it because you drink to much coffee and the best thing you have to wear is an ugly bathrobe?

wa:do

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Why are you atheists so snide, sarcastic, sad and grumpy?
Is it because you drink to much coffee and the best thing you have to wear is an ugly bathrobe?

wa:do

Dear painted wolf,
The inanity of your queries apparently have the power to cause migraines! Why would drinking coffee make somebody sad and grumpy? The reason we're so sad and grumpy is from suffering through terrible hangovers every day, from drinking massive quantities of alcohol every night. And, although we may wear nothing but ugly bathrobes, there is no better garment for flashing our genitalia at religious nutjobs and girl scouts who have the audicity to ring our doorbells while we're hungover.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[*Anne*]

Dear Atheist,

Do you attend the religious ceremonies of family and friends? If so, how do you manage to get through them?

With great affection,

Anne (Who loves Christmas trees)

 

[Peacewise]

Dear atheist hatemonger,

What is the benefit to yourself in practicing to give away hate for free?

Consistently paradoxical,
WarStupid.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear Atheist,

Do you attend the religious ceremonies of family and friends? If so, how do you manage to get through them?

With great affection,

Anne (Who loves Christmas trees)

Dear Anne,
It's about time you realize that a Christmas tree will never love you back the way a fifth of whiskey will! As a matter of fact, I tend to avoid religious ceremonies my family and friends take part in. Although, in fact, I do find many religious ceremonies interesting and engaging on psychological, emotional, and sociological levels, and can appreciate the insight they provide regarding how these various rituals tie us together as human beings. I simply can't stand my family and friends.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[Kilgore Trout]

Dear atheist hatemonger,

What is the benefit to yourself in practicing to give away hate for free?

Consistently paradoxical,
WarStupid.

Dear Peacewise,
Your inspiring query proves that those in persistent vegatative states can still excel at putting forth questions of the utmost puerility! As you must be aware, as an atheist, I am in direct opposition to all that which is religious. Seeing as how many religions, including Christianity and Islam, profit from spreading their hatred, I found it my responsibility to give mine away for free.
Sincerely,
ATS

 

[dust1n]

What's the worth of a frubal to an atheist?

 

[painted wolf]

Dear painted wolf,
The inanity of your queries apparently have the power to cause migraines! Why would drinking coffee make somebody sad and grumpy? The reason we're so sad and grumpy is from suffering through terrible hangovers every day, from drinking massive quantities of alcohol every night. And, although we may wear nothing but ugly bathrobes, there is no better garment for flashing our genitalia at religious nutjobs and girl scouts who have the audicity to ring our doorbells while we're hungover.
Sincerely,
ATS

Is it true then that you have horns? What of the fact that children should never, ever be allowed near you, but should instead call their local pastor or police officer as quickly as possible whenever they spot you?
Doesn't this make simple chores rather difficult? If so, does this account for the terrible way you atheists keep your homes?

Lolfully yours,

 

[dust1n]

Is it true that a person gets AIDS the moment they become atheists?

 

[Kilgore Trout]

What's the worth of a frubal to an atheist?

Dear dust1n,
If I could reach through my computer screen and throttle you, I wouldn't have ended up with all these shards of glass in my hands! Seeing that a frubal: is worthless, gives people a false sense of accomplishment and purpose, becomes less meaningful over time, falsely gives people a sense of superiority, and is dismissed by all - other than those with an unhealthy obsession with frubals; I'd say a frubal has about the same worth as religion.
Sincerely,
ATS