Thank you for your reply.
We have some Messianic houses of worship here, and I've always avoided them like the plague, but after reading your perspective, I may have been premature in my judgment.
My Orthodox shul has nothing but the nicest people on earth, I'm always greeted with warmth and love and people go out of their way to make me feel part of the family.
However, due strictly to my own inner failings, I never have felt good enough to be with them.
I have always found it difficult to go into what should be my most favorite place to be. I can't understand it, but I must admit that the only reason I ever went there in the first place was becaused I believed in the theology, not because I enjoyed it. One should enjoy it, but I just don't, and that's my fault somehow, I know it.
I think it may have to do with the fact that I think that people who grow up Jewish, generally are simply better persons, better disciplined, have better jobs (due to their hard study and work) than myself. I *feel* like everyone there is a doctor or lawyer or nuclear theorist, and the only thing I'm good at is enjoying Talmud (that's the one thing I have going for me, I take to the Talmud like a fish to water, at least on some level I do, I'm not an expert or anything, but I'm not the worst one in the class. put another way, I not only like study of gemora, I love it like chocolate ice cream).
I think if I had to have a tooth pulled or sit through high holiday services, I'd volunteer to have two teeth pulled, just to be sure. Again, I'm treated like royalty, everybody loves me, no question, I just get this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach like stage frieght and terrible embarrassment. There's even a rabbi who will sit next to me, trying to make me feel better, which it does, but I only last a few minutes before I make a hasty retreat. I havn't had an aliyah in years, not even on Simchas Torah when I could sneak one in without too many people staring at me. I have zero desire for that and am very good at hiding.
Even when I was in a major yeshiva in New York, I just couldn't bring myself to go into Rosh Hashana services to hear shofar. That's stupid, I know, it doesn't make any sense. I found a shofar, tried to blow it, but knew very well I didn't have the skills or the m'sorah to know how to do it right. What was really funny (funny ironic, not funny ha ha) was one year I saw this yingelacht walking with a shofar, all by his lonesome. I was too embarrased to ask him to motzai me, but who knows? maybe it wouldn't be too late, I could chap a rine (sp?) and catch the mitzvah at the last possible moment of the most lenient ****ah.
So, to tag along, I asked what he was doing. He said the Rosh Yeshiva told him to blow it from the roof after the day was over.
Well, we got to the outside, and, if there wasn't a thousand clear stars, all sizes, then I've never seen stars. Oh well, I listened to him blow, obviously well past the z'man, anouncing yet another year where I was over another d'orrissa. Wonderful.
I think your encouragement gives me another option, I don't feel second class to anyone in the Messianic club (no offense, I just don't see them as the same cup of tea). And as for it being avoda zora, as you pointed out, that wouldn't be my machshava (I wouldn't have that in mind) at all.
I don't have any interest in them or the people, but maybe that's just what I need.
Later,
I looked at the web page of a place nearby, seems like a nice place. They even have a school the kids, perhaps they'll fit in better there, too.
Later,
I asked my wife if she wanted to go with me to check it out, she didn't like the idea, but agreed maybe we won't have the same problems we have had in the past. There have been some issues, so, maybe a chance for a fresh start. I've heard they can be pretty cheerful at these places, dancing and what not. Not my cup of tea, but, if you're comfortable, maybe I won't feel so second class (self-imposed).
Later,
I noticed their Shabbos morning services don't start until very late, past the zmanim. The good thing about that is I could daven before I go and then just observe.