Clean Jokes.

[DawudTalut]

New age
A: Last night internet was not working, I went to have company with family members.
B: They too are good people, they have some right too.


A: Our bank is offering you loan without interest.
B: If your bank have no interest why it is offering?

 

[Demonslayer]

Guy walks into his psychologist's office and says "doctor, you gotta help me I can't sleep!"

Doctor says "what's wrong?"

Guy says "I try to go to sleep and I wake up thinking I'm a teepee!"

Doctor says "a teepee?"

Guy says "yeah, and then all of a sudden I think I'm a wigwam! One minute I'm a teepee, the next minute I'm a wigwam. Teepee, wigwam, teepee, wigwam, man I just can't take it!

Doctor says "Whoa whoa whoa I know what's wrong. All you have to do is relax...you're just too tense."

 

[Brickjectivity]

Patient: Doctor, doctor, I need your help. Everything I say sounds funny!

Doctor: You're cured!

 

[Smart_Guy]

Wife: Where are you?
Husband: Oh, I'm with my mother.
Wife: Okay, finish whatever your doing and come back home. You mother is here with us.

God have mercy on the husband's soul

 

[Wu Wei]

Little boy comes home from school , all upset. his mother asked him why

Boy: I am ashamed.
Mother: Why?
Boy: I was talking to Lisa and she said the stork brought her to her parents. And Billy says his parents got him at the store
Mother: OK, but why are you ashamed
Boy: Well if a stork gave Lisa to her parents and Billy's parents paid money for him at the store....how can I tell them you and daddy made me yourselves

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
Artist to students: Where were you yesterday whole day, no one came to class?
Students: We went to art gallery to see your paintings.
Artist proudly: So how are my paintings compared to others.
Students: We could see your paintings only.
Artist: Why?
Students: There were too many people watching other paintings.



Teacher to young man at the back of college class: When did Newton presented law of gravitation?
Young man: I do not know.
T: What is the distance of earth from sun?
Y m: Who knows?
T: Angrily, what is theory of relativity?
Y m: Do not know too.
T: You do not know even the basics, which a student of school can answer.
Young man: I am repair-man came to see ceiling fan here.


Patient to doctor: What is your fees?
Doctor: 50 in cash.
Patient: For second visit?
Doctor: It will be free.
Patient: Then consider I have come second time!
Doctor: Ok. So keep using same prescription.


Friend to other: Good to see you after a long times, you seemed changed.
Other: I left all bad habits.
Friend: Good, so you have strong will-power.
Other: No...... money is finished.


These Numbers
--Ancient doctors advised one should walk 40 steps after eating meal.
--Some people do not like walking, after eating they take rest equal to time consumed in 40 winks.
--Seemingly there is not much difference between 19 and 20 but bankers do not agree.
--Some people do not like # 13.
--He is my distant relative. He is eldest brother, I am far at number 5.

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
A car was going zig zag on the road, police officer asked the driver to stop it.
Police Off: How are you you driving.
Driver: Sir I am learner.
Police officer: How can you learn without an instructor?
Driver: I am learning through online course.



Identity card was being made.
Clerk: Name?
Person: X
Addess: Y
Distinguishing mark?: Signs of unrest on face.



Artist1: I drew a grapes, it looked so real that a dove came to eat them.
Artist2: I drew that dove.


A child was trying to press button of a bell outside a house, an old man was seeing he came and pressed the button for child and asked if there was anything else he could do?
Boy: now run

Mother to son: Did you do any good work today?
Son: Yes, I struggled to make an old man cross the road.
M: Struggled?
S: Yes, he did not want to cross!

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on you.

A: I have special eastern 20 year old pickle.
B: Can I have some for taste?
A: No, if I had given it others to taste, how could it have stayed that long?

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on you.
Education department sent an inspector to check a school:
Inspector wrote the word "nature" and asked a student to read it.

Student saw the word for few seconds and said it is natoo-rey.

Inspector to class teacher: What have you taught the student?

Class teacher: Sir do not worry, when the child will become matoo-rey, he will learn by himself......(mature).

Inspector called the principal for complaint against the teacher:
After hearing all, the principal said to the class teacher: Why do you want to ruin the fatoo-rey of the boy. .........(future).



Absent minded person was keep turning with revolving door....in, out, in, out....
Some one asked him why he was doing so. He said he has forgotten whether he was going in or out.



Land grabbing mafia usurped piece of government land in a corrupt country and made a boundary wall too.
Mafia man1: What should we write something on wall which make it look like family controlled ancient land.
Mafia man 2: Write "Our family welcome Alexander the great for visiting our land"



Journalist: Since how long you have been playing hockey?
Player: 10 years.
Journalist: and how many goal did you you score?
Player: none.
Journalist: How so?
Player: I am goal keeper.

 

[Smart_Guy]

A man heard that carrots improve eye sight so he goes to the market and buys 1 kilo of carrot and eats it all at the same time.

The next day the man goes to the market, looks at apples and asks the cashier: "how much is this watermelon?" !!!

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.

According to unknown sources:
When bicycle was newly invented, a rich city man bought a bicycle for his son. The son was riding it and he reached a nearby village.......Villagers thought something [jinn or trouble or afreet] has stuck with the boy and he is being taken away, and they saw him kicking it with both feet [pedaling] to get rid of it but the thing was not leaving him.........They ran after it with sticks, boy pedaled faster, villagers ran faster.....Eventually they got it and broke the bicycle with hits.......When the rich man learned, very upset, came to village but they told him something was kidnapping his son, they saved him.


By mistake, lens of high power was fitted in someone's eye-glasses, when he came out the optician's place wearing the glasses, he saw a nearby fruit shop, he went in and asked the owner:
What is rate of these watermelons?
Owner: These are grapes.


A Patient to Doctor: Please cure me, I see one person as two persons.
Doctor: Do you all four similar friends have the same disease?



A person was quite annoyed as someone was taking away wheel-caps of his car often.
He left a note "Wheel cap taker will be handed over to police"
Next day he found 4 wheel caps on ground,
Car was missing.

Traveler to local: Can I swim in this water. Is there any dangerous large fish?
Local: Swim without worry, all fish have been taken care by crocodiles.

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
[A short story]...A country's treasury was not filling to meet expenses.
Head of state called meeting of all secretaries / ministers. Lot of thinking was done but no reason and solution was found................ A junior official offered his help. Head of state allowed.
Official brought a piece of ice and gave to farthest sitting man (from the Head) and told him to pass it over to others so that it should reach to the Head of state..............By the time it reached to Head of state, nothing was left of ice except few drops of water!

(Rest of story is written in invisible words).



Child 1: Why do doctors hide their face with cloth during operation?
Child 2: To hide identification if some thing goes wrong.


Audition for singers:
Potential singer: ..................So how is my voice?
Audition expert: It is quite good for emergency-alarm.

 

[DawudTalut]

Barber was moving magnet over the hairs of a person.
Person: Why are you doing so?
Barber: My scissors is lost in your dense hairs.


Teacher: Tell me about some great wars of world?
Student: I cannot, my parents have prohibited me to tell home-matters to others.

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
An Engineering student went into wrong room on exam day. It was medical-students' exam room.
He was already late, so without realizing where he was, he began to write explanations of words asked:
What is Radiology?........Ans: Radio making engineering.
Dyspepsia?........................... Difficulty in drinking Pepsi due to flaw in straw design.
Genes?...................................Blue pants.
Bacteria?.................................Back door of cafeteria.
Coma?.....................................Punctuation mark.
Bio?..........................................A sort of computer Bios.
Parotitis?..................................Special cage for parrots.

 

[Shiranui117]

When during the year does the Galactic Empire have its parades?

Imperial March.

 

[DawudTalut]

Interesting Idea

 

[Jedster]

Here is an example of plain humour, i.e jokes, so bad, that make you go uuggghhhhhh

A man goes to his doctor with the complaint that every time he puts on his hat(see above), he hears music.
The doctor says "Show me your hat", so the man takes of his hat gives it to the doctor who looks at it and returns it.
Doctor says, "Now try the hat".
The man puts the hat back on and lo and behold no music.
"Fantastic", the man says, "What did you do to stop the music"
"It was easy", said the Doctor...."I just removed the band"

 

[DawudTalut]

An honorable business person to postman: I am getting harassment letters since some time, can you help me to stop them?
Post man: Do you know who is sending these letters?
Business person: Yes, they are from income tax office.


Sir, my mother asked me to request you for raise in my salary, said a junior clerk to the owner of office.
Owner: Ok, let me ask my mother too.


Professor: I dreamed I am in class and giving lecture. When my eyes opened, I.....
Students: .......then what sir?
Prof: ....I saw i was really in class and delivering lecture.


Un-quotable Quote:
They say, the ash at one end of the cigarette is smoker's own.

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
Customer: I bought it product, where is my free gift?
Sales person: But there is not gift being offered with this product.
Cstmr: Look, the bottle says, 'Cholesterol Free'.



Father: Your report card shows you are fail in all subjects.
Child: So eventually you believe I do not copy others.


Neighbour 1: Can I borrow that book of yours for one day?
Nghbr 2: I am sorry, I do not give my books for home but you are welcome to study sitting here all day.
After some days...
Nghbr 1: Can I borrow your vacuum cleaner for a while?
Nghbr 2: I am sorry, but you can do all cleaning here all day.


Worker: Doctor please give me medicine, I cannot wake up at time and am always late in office.
Doctor: Take these tablets before sleeping at night.
Worker took the medicine, and was surprised to wake up quite early, and he reached office few minutes earlier than office time.
Worker to In-charge: Is not it good, today I am early. Are you satisfied now?
In-charge: Yes.....but tell me where was you yesterday you did not come!


Soccer player1: Once I hit the ball with so high with such force, it came back after one hour.
Sccr plyr 2: And once I hit the ball such that it came back after 3 days and there was a note, 'It should not come to moon again'.


Zoo keeper to junior worker: Tonight you forgot to lock tiger's cage.
Worker: Do not worry, who can steal tiger.

Bravery:
Zoo Keeper 1: By chance, cage door left open, lion came out, all the people ran away for safety but lion did not hurt me even though I was there.
Z K 2: How?
Z K 1: As soon as lion escaped the cage, I leaped to inside the cage and locked it.

 

[DawudTalut]

Patient to doctor: The tablets, you gave me for energy, are not showing any effect, instead I am getting weaker.
Doctor: It seems your diet is not right.
Patient: Was I to eat food too?

Friend1 to Friend 3: Once I and Freinds2 decided that we would inform each other about their short comings.
Friends3: Good, so how is going?
Friend1: We have stopped talking since then.