Clean Jokes.

[Akivah]

Ooooh, true stories. I once worked on the phone lines as technical support for a computer software company. These are some actual calls that I got:

1) A person calls me to say that the coffee holder on his computer broke. Coffee holder? It turns out that he thought his disk drive was a cup holder.

2) Another person was unable to get his prints to work properly. He said the color yellow wasn't printing. It was odd because during testing, he was able to print green. Since green is made by blue and yellow combined, I knew the yellow was working. Suddenly he paused and said "do you suppose it might be because I'm using yellow paper?"

and My favorite
3) I was unable to replicate a customer's problem. So I asked him to put his data on a disk (this was before the internet existed) and send me a copy. That way I could load his data and replicate his issue. He agreed to do so. A week later I received a paper copy of a disk.

 

[Brickjectivity]

3) I was unable to replicate a customer's problem. So I asked him to put his data on a disk (this was before the internet existed) and send me a copy. That way I could load his data and replicate his issue. He agreed to do so. A week later I received a paper copy of a disk.

That is the saddest story I've heard heard!

 

[Smart_Guy]

That is the saddest story I've heard heard!

Why do you have to say "heard" two times?

 

[Akivah]

Why do you have to say "heard" two times?

He might be hard of hearing.

 

[Smart_Guy]

He might be hard of hearing.

... or hear things in stereo mode

 

[DawudTalut]

A: Last night I saw in dream I was eating a new kind of breakfast. I was trying it.

B: Oh, then?

A: I woke up and saw a corner of foam sheet on my bed was absent.



High way police stopped a car:

Police officer: Sir we are pleased to see you have fastened your seat belt, we present to you currency notes of 1000 as sign of appreciation.

Driver: Thank you. I will use this money to have my driving license.

Boy on passenger seat: Officer! Do not mind what he said, he speaks odd thing when he is not fully awaken.

 

[DawudTalut]

When Visitors met:
In Past
A: How are you, how is family.
B: Fine and how about you?

At Present
A:What is wi fi password.
B:xxxxx, great mobile.



A: How long have you been working in factory?
B: 60 years.
A: But you are younger?
B: Yes, I counted the over-time.

 

[DawudTalut]

Mother: Doctor, please check my son, lately he is writing strange words like
IONO
BON
BRT

Doctor: Do not worry, check any internet Internet acronyms site. he is saying.
I do not know.
Believe it Or Not
Be Right There

Doctor: He is FLK.
Mother: What do you mean?
Doctor: I mean: Funny Looking Kid. Sorry I am on net more these days too.

 

[FearGod]

A person named Jacob was passing by a cemetery when he noticed a man writing on the tomb the person
name and the years he lived, Jacob asked the man " why you are writing just 1 year and 2 years,
what that number of years means", the man said " we sell tombs and people just choose to record the
number of the happy years that they lived", Jacob said " Ok, i want to buy a tomb", the man asked
" how many happy years you lived", Jacob replied " please write down Jacob from womb to tomb"

 

[methylatedghosts]

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?





Dam.

 

[methylatedghosts]

A man was at the top of a tall building, looking like he was about to jump. A physicist saw him and yelled "don't do it! You have so much potential!"

 

[Jedster]

A skeleton walks into a pub and orders a beer and a mop.

 

[DawudTalut]

Doctor to patient: Last weak I gave you medicine to improve memory, did it work?
Patient: Yes, now I remember that I am forgetting something.


He is a person who can take people up and down, at their Will.
He is elevator-operator.

 

[Shadow of Liberty]

 

[Smart_Guy]

Young daughter to mother: mama, why do you have some white hair?

Mother: *trying to take advantage* well, with every naughty thing you do around the house one white hair comes out.

Daughter: *confused* gosh mama, what did you do to grandma? All of her hair is white!

 

[methylatedghosts]

Shout out to all those who wonder what the opposite of in is!

 

[Smart_Guy]

Ditto!

 

[DawudTalut]

A: How to keep school clean?
B: Do not go there.


Waiter: Sir what would you like to have?
Traveler: Fried fish and some words of comfort.
After few minutes...
Waiter: Here is your fish......and .....the words of comfort are: Please do not eat it, it is many days old.


A: My grandfather is 150 and he never uses glasses for reading.
B: Great, how is so?
A: He do not know how to read.


B: My grandfather is 140 years old, he never uses glasses too.
A: Great, how is so?
B: He drinks fluids in clay-pot.

 

[DawudTalut]

An emperor ordered his minister to prepare a list of top 10 fools of the country.
The minister said with many due respects that emperor's name should be on at number one.
Emperor: Why?
Minister: Because you have sent a worker alone with 5 million worth currency notes to another city. If he did not come back.....?
Emperor: If by luck, he returned?
Minister: Then I'll erase your name and will write his name at number one.


Little boy to father: I think mother does not know how to raise child.
Father: Why?
Boy: Because she sends me to sleep while I am waking and wakes me up while I am sleeping.



A scientist to other: Today I discovered something just by chance.
What is it?
I found if we place the inkpot near us, we can continue to write with a fountain pen without filling it.


Child to father: Can you write in darkness?
F: Yes.
C: Then please sign my school report card without turning the light on.


TV Journalist to villager: What do you feed to your rabbit?
Villager: Which one? you are asking about the white or brown one?
Journalist: White.
Villager: Carrots.
Journalist: and to brown?
Villager: Carrots too.

Journalist: Where do you keep them?
Villager: Which one? you are asking about white or brown one?
Journalist: brown one.
Villager: in a room.
Journalist: and the while one?
Villager: in the room too.

Journalist: Do you comb your rabbits?
Villager: Which one? you are asking about white or brown one?
Journalist: the white one?
Villager: Yes I do.
Journalist: and the brown one?
Villager: Yes I comb it too.

Journalist angrily: If you treat both rabbits same way then why you keep asking
"Which one? you are asking about white or brown one?"
Villiger: Because brown rabbit is mine.
Journalist: and white one?
Villiger: White is mine too.

Upon this, journalist fell unconscious. After recovery, he was very angry and asked villager why he was doing so?

Villiger: You media people do same with one news item the whole day, and keep stretching it and we keep listening to you but we do not object.

 

[DawudTalut]

First A Non-Joke Note: please read villiger as villager in above post.
==============================================
Now The Joke:

Experts reached an unfortunate site of aeroplane crash.
Things were so badly damaged it was impossible to find cause.
Near the site, a monkey was sitting on tree branch with a tag of airline hanging around its neck.
It was found from airlines' record office that the monkey was on board as passenger.
He was caught.

Interrogation began through experts.
They asked him with with lot of effort, in monkey-sign-language: At what time accident took place?

Monkey pointed to his wrist, then raised 10 fingers of both hands.
Experts understood time was 10.

Experts asked monkey in special signs: At that time, what were passengers doings?
Monkey joined both palms and touched cheek and leaned the head to one side.
Experts considered it passengers were sleeping.

Experts asked monkey: what were flight-attendants doing?
Monkey signed: sleeping too.

Experts asked him: what was pilot doing?
Monkey told by same signs that he was sleeping too.

Annoyed experts asked monkey in signs: If everyone was sleeping what was you doing?
Monkey brought his hands forward, and showed as if he was holding steering and turning right and left.

Experts: So you was flying the aeroplane.
Monkey made signs to say, 'you understand things so slow.'