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Forgiveness
- Thread starter Jimmy
- Start date
Callisto
Hellenismos, BTW
Forgiveness is like respect, it's earned and others are not obligated to give it. When someone, through their words/actions, makes it clear they have no regard for others and don't care what offense they've given, that includes not caring whether you forgive or respect them.
Koldo
Outstanding Member
If wanting to kill someone for a wrongdoing is compatible with forgiving that person, sure. I don't think most people would agree, but whatever floats your boat.
Callisto
Hellenismos, BTW
If a person shows remorse then they can be (perhaps even "should be") forgiven. Otherwise, no it's not warranted.
Not forgiving absolutely does not mean that you (not you personally) remain bitter or carry a grudge or even give that person another thought. If a person does, then that's something they need to work through because they're just letting the transgressor live in their head. Not allowing something to eat at you does not require forgiving another who, evidently, doesn't care enough to make amends. Your feelings are irrelevant to them.
Callisto
Hellenismos, BTW
No, it's not. Though I agree that people should seek therapy if they find themselves continually consumed with past wrongs, so as to sort out why they are and work through their inability to let something go. It may well be that the other person was wrong but the individual handled things poorly and that's causing them to relive things. Sometimes part of a grudge is also kicking one's self for not doing differently at the time (shoulda/woulda/coulda).
Personally, I'll give the person an opportunity to address what's happened. If they choose not to then I'll write them off and move on. They don't enter my mind and I don't dwell on what happened. I assess the damage that was done and focus on what, if anything, is in my power to fix. I don't sweat what's not in my power to control, which includes someone else being a jerk. Though it is in my power to ensure they no longer negatively impact my life.
Callisto
Hellenismos, BTW
Agreed. You don't need to forgive to move on. I use it to be a bit wiser ("fool me once...").
Callisto
Hellenismos, BTW
I've had to cut people out of my life who didn't merit forgiveness. I don't remain bitter because the person has shown they're not worth my expending any more energy on them. They're persona non-grata; fix what can be fixed of the situation and move on, that's enough for me.
RestlessSoul
Well-Known Member
No I don't, i do not know where you get your stupid ideas from, you know zilch about me or how i handle my life. I simply do not care about them. And i think is arrogant ignorance to make assumptions about a persons life based on your own feelings
Trailblazer
Veteran Member
But what can you do if the person that needs to be forgiven has died and crossed over to the other side? What can you do if you are not even sure what happened that warrants forgiveness? That person is still negatively impacting my life because he is in my mind. Is he also suffering because I have not forgiven him? If he is and he really did wrong then I believe he deserves to suffer. Maybe I should be more gracious but I'm not.
Callisto
Hellenismos, BTW
I can't address your religious beliefs as they appear to be different from my own (re: suffering in the afterlife). Even so, seems to me this falls under the heading of obsessing over things that are beyond your personal control. What you can control is sorting out why they're still on your mind and how/why it continues to negatively impact you. Without knowing the specifics (and I'm not asking for them), I can't make specific suggestions. IMO, I would say find ways to work through your feelings and find ways to redirect your behaviors influenced by the past. Do something that would be cathartic, like writing a letter to the person as though they're still alive, and purge yourself of everything that should have been said when they were alive. Tell them how you intend to move on and that you'll no longer allow them to influence your life. "Send it" however works for you (e.g., burn it, bury it). Then focus on your own thoughts, behavior, and actions. When you catch yourself being influenced by the past, acknowledge it's happening again then ask yourself why. Then deliberately redirect what you're thinking or doing.
Jimmy
King Phenomenon
I don’t even know what your talking about. You lost the point 2 posts ago
Jimmy
King Phenomenon
Jimmy
King Phenomenon
You either forgive or are bitter. There’s no in between. If u have found it god bless ya.
Jimmy
King Phenomenon
I call it good at forgetting. What’s the First feeling or thought that comes to mind when you think of somebody you haven’t forgiven? Prolly not a good thought. Atleast you can forget. That’s a plus
Jimmy
King Phenomenon
Forgetting works well for those who can’t forgive.
Jimmy
King Phenomenon
Forgetting has served you well.
Alien826
No religious beliefs
It depends. What follows refers to an interaction where one person has hurt another in a personal way, not necessarily a criminal act.
The first question is, do you want to continue your relationship with that person? If so, then it's important that they apologize and show a genuine wish not to repeat the offense. Without that you are just giving them license to keep hurting you. An example is a battered wife that continues to forgive her husband, despite repeated occurrences of the violence. With contrition on the part of the offender though, it's critical to forgive and genuinely let it go in your mind. Otherwise you are just keeping them around to punish them, and the relationship is effectively over. This, and all the other examples, does not imply approval of the actions.
If you don't want to continue the relationship, it gets a easier. In this case it's better to let go of the negative emotions, because you are mostly hurting yourself. If you don't want to call that forgiveness, then whatever, but let it go anyway. Unless you enjoy being miserable that is. Some people do seem to get pleasure out of rehashing past wrongs, though their friends get tired of it very quickly.
Another is where you actually retaliate against the offender, which provokes retaliation from them and so on. I sometimes wonder if that as what Jesus was referring to when he said to turn the other cheek. Someone has to break the cycle or it will go on for ever.
The first question is, do you want to continue your relationship with that person? If so, then it's important that they apologize and show a genuine wish not to repeat the offense. Without that you are just giving them license to keep hurting you. An example is a battered wife that continues to forgive her husband, despite repeated occurrences of the violence. With contrition on the part of the offender though, it's critical to forgive and genuinely let it go in your mind. Otherwise you are just keeping them around to punish them, and the relationship is effectively over. This, and all the other examples, does not imply approval of the actions.
If you don't want to continue the relationship, it gets a easier. In this case it's better to let go of the negative emotions, because you are mostly hurting yourself. If you don't want to call that forgiveness, then whatever, but let it go anyway. Unless you enjoy being miserable that is. Some people do seem to get pleasure out of rehashing past wrongs, though their friends get tired of it very quickly.
Another is where you actually retaliate against the offender, which provokes retaliation from them and so on. I sometimes wonder if that as what Jesus was referring to when he said to turn the other cheek. Someone has to break the cycle or it will go on for ever.
Callisto
Hellenismos, BTW
That may be true for you but it certainly is not true for me or necessarily anyone else.
Koldo
Outstanding Member
Is wanting to see someone getting killed for a wrongdoing compatible with forgiving that person?