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How to speak PROPER Australian...

Secret Chief

Secret Chief

Veteran Member
Bonus. This is a full on emergency and the need for calm, but urgent action is essential. I jump in a taxi and head straight to the nearest Aussie themed bar for liquid relief from the whole foreign related trauma.
 
Satyamavejayanti

Satyamavejayanti

Well-Known Member
lewisnotmiller said:
These are great questions.

How to shorten Bruce : You don't. Bruce is one of those anomalies of the Aussie language. Bruce remains Bruce. Clearly start working on his last name, or (if he has red hair) call him Bluey.
Please note, you CAN call him Brucie,but only if he looks like the shark from Finding Nemo.

John is definitely Johnno.
Jackson is either Jacko or just Wacko. Putting Wacko & Jacko together is too obvious (ie. makes you sound American)

As for the offensive part...well, who knows? p he's that easily offended the best thing to do is increase the verbal barrage, thus helping him develop toughness.
Feel free to call him a 'sooky sooky Iala'. It's for his own good, plus you get a laugh.
Click to expand...

You are an absolute "dinky dye true blue Aussie". Your vast invaluable knowledge in the amazing linguistic aspects of the greatest people of the world (Aussies) is unsurpassed, i can see you are a Blues supporter for sure mate. :D
 
lewisnotmiller

lewisnotmiller

Grand Hat
Staff member
Premium Member
Magog said:
1. I'd helpfully inform him that he'd been deceived by the woollen item of clothing, and that she's not actually a sheep so of no use to the dirty sheepshagger.
Click to expand...

Oooh. Close. That's actually a very valid SECOND action to take. The first action is to check out said New Zealander, and determine if they are Maori. This is very important, as it determines whether 'sheepshagger' is a witty retort, or suicidal.

I'll give you half a point.
 
lewisnotmiller

lewisnotmiller

Grand Hat
Staff member
Premium Member
Magog said:
3. Simply that it shows he knows a superior country when he sees one. Even when drunk.
Click to expand...

I'm gonna accept this answer, and give you a full mark. Another valid answer is to apologise, and offer to hand him back IMMEDIATELY.

4.5 out of 3
 
lewisnotmiller

lewisnotmiller

Grand Hat
Staff member
Premium Member
Magog said:
4. One less dirty kiwi is one less to take the **** out of, so I'd tell the Aussie there's no more crap to kick out and buy him a beer to recover from his work out.
Click to expand...

I actually think this is better than the answer I had written down (ie. lend the bloke your steel cap workboots). Much wittier.
I'm giving you a 2 out of 1. Which makes your score 6.5 out of 4 I think.
 
lewisnotmiller

lewisnotmiller

Grand Hat
Staff member
Premium Member
Magog said:
5. Have you forgotten the answer to number 4 already? Jeez, keep up mate.
Click to expand...

Oooooh...first incorrect answer. The only time it's okay to stick up for a dirty Kiwi is when it's someone OTHER than an Aussie giving him a kicking. We think of them as our smaller, mentally-challenged brother, to be honest, and if anyone is gonna whack their underpants over their heads (metaphorically) it's us.

Valid answers would have been;

Tell the Pommy Kate Middleton has just had the kid, and a day of peace has been proclaimed.

Suggest to the Pommy that he's a big, fat whingy *******, and then run. Not like the barrel-guts is gonna catch ya.

Or any other answer that takes the heat of the dirty Kiwi without actually putting yourself at risk.

So your final score is 6.5/5

Well done! You are the first person to pass. Pretty sure you'll be the only person to pass. I seem to have driven off most of the students. Shoulda worn pants...
 
lewisnotmiller

lewisnotmiller

Grand Hat
Staff member
Premium Member
Magog said:
Bonus. This is a full on emergency and the need for calm, but urgent action is essential. I jump in a taxi and head straight to the nearest Aussie themed bar for liquid relief from the whole foreign related trauma.
Click to expand...

The Bonus question wasn't worth points, since it was deliberately abstract. For what it's worth, you got the answer COMPLETELY wrong.

BONUS QUESTION :
You are sitting on some bloody Turkish beach. The English travel guides suggested it was the perfect destination, but you're buggered if you can see why. You look around, and all you can see everywhere are bloody Kiwis. What do you do?

So, the Turkish beach is the Dardanelles, the time period is WW1, and the English 'travel guide' is Field Marshall William Birdwood. Kiwis got dropped in the same ********, which is why we have to (sorta) protect them in question 5...and what you really need to do is DUCK. Gallipoli was not a good place to have your head sticking out of your foxhole.
 
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lewisnotmiller

lewisnotmiller

Grand Hat
Staff member
Premium Member
crossfire said:
Is this implying that Aussie women can't handle a kiwi cad? :confused:
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Okay, so joking aside, I have no such worries with my wife. They'd do well to be more scared of her than me...lol

Funny story (only slightly related) whilst we were living in Auckland. We were at a pub, waiting for a ferry, having a coupla drinks. Some of the people there had been drinking a whole lot longer, getting ready to watch a France - NZ Rugby match.

One dude decides to crack on to my missus whilst I'm buying a round.
My mate and his wife were at the table with my fiance (at the time, now wife). So he was suggesting to this Kiwi bloke that he should bugger off, but apart from being ******, he was harmless enough.

Anyways, the Kiwi realises that I'm almost on my way back, just paying for the round (I'm oblivious to all this) so he decides to step up the charm offensive.

I'm just on my way back when he decides to do a handstand on the little metal bar table to impress my fiance. Table promptly collapses underneath him, and he lands headfirst in a pile on the floor just as I arrive.

Look on his face was priceless.
 
Secret Chief

Secret Chief

Veteran Member
Oohh educational! Thanks for the heads up on the death by Maori suicide thing.

Abstract is one word for the bonus question!

Still, you are a teacher!!!

Time to study the beer menu...
 
crossfire

crossfire

LHP Mercuræn Feminist Heretic Bully ☿
Premium Member
lewisnotmiller said:
Okay, so joking aside, I have no such worries with my wife. They'd do well to be more scared of her than me...lol

Funny story (only slightly related) whilst we were living in Auckland. We were at a pub, waiting for a ferry, having a coupla drinks. Some of the people there had been drinking a whole lot longer, getting ready to watch a France - NZ Rugby match.

One dude decides to crack on to my missus whilst I'm buying a round.
My mate and his wife were at the table with my fiance (at the time, now wife). So he was suggesting to this Kiwi bloke that he should bugger off, but apart from being ******, he was harmless enough.

Anyways, the Kiwi realises that I'm almost on my way back, just paying for the round (I'm oblivious to all this) so he decides to step up the charm offensive.

I'm just on my way back when he decides to do a handstand on the little metal bar table to impress my fiance. Table promptly collapses underneath him, and he lands headfirst in a pile on the floor just as I arrive.

Look on his face was priceless.
Click to expand...
Weakmindness + beer = more weakmindness, multiplied by influence of lovely Aussie lady = incredible weakmindedness = "Darwin Award."

Wei Wu Wei. Action without action. ;)
 
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