Opinions on Spanking

[Autodidact]

Consistency and FOLLOW through..

If they cant play their games for a week then make it a week.Not 4 days..Even if it tugs at your heart strings..They have to know you mean business and they cant negotiate out of it.Good time to remind them why..and to be prepared to do it again unless they want the same punishment consequences next time.

And warnings are imperative.."Im warning you if you dont get in line Im going to "X",....Then follow through on X if they choose to not heed the warning..Next time they are warned they will no your not even kidding.

Love

Dallas

Ooh, ooh, yes. If you say, "If you X I will Y" and they X, you must Y. Whether you want to or not, whether it's inconvenient whether it makes them cry. It will save you so much trouble later, when you say, "If you X I will Y," they will know you're telling the truth, and you won't have to Y, because they will not X.

I think of it as trust, which is the key to all relationships including parent/child. They trust you to give them the nice thing if they do right, they trust you when you say doing the right thing works better, and they trust you to hand down the negative consequence (or not give the positive) if they screw up.

As you build up the trust, it all becomes easier and easier. Trust is a powerful tool.

And of course, spanking undermines it.

 

[DallasApple]

It's not easy, either. If you said no to whatever, and the kid's driving you nuts, or coming up with logical arguments, or whatever they're doing, but I stick to the "No," because I don't want to have to deal with that behavior next time. Yes, even if I was wrong.

If I don't want my kid to whine, then I have to say "no" to whatever they're whining about, even if I would have said yes had they asked otherwise. In fact I tell them, "If you had asked me nicely I probably would have said, 'Yes,' but whining is never the way to get me to do things." In fact, as soon as they start whining, I whip around and say, "No whining." And yes, my kids whine a lot less than other people's. I don't think it's necessary to smack them every time they whine. It's called "extinction." If the behavior is not productive, it stops.





Reading this post over, what it seems to come down to is that if you're mean enough, you don't have to hit . Most people find it too hard to be mean (i.e. consistent) so hit instead. It's an admission of ineffective parenting.

JINX!!!

Tugs at your heart strings to discipline with follow through..You cant second guess your self.Even if you are wrong as you said ..follow through and "modify" possibly for the next time.If you feel it was too harsh ..next time make it more fair.Thats all you can do.

Love

 

[Alceste]

Reading this post over, what it seems to come down to is that if you're mean enough, you don't have to hit . Most people find it too hard to be mean (i.e. consistent) so hit instead. It's an admission of ineffective parenting.

Good point. I was a pretty mean nanny. One of the kids I looked after used to balk at going outside to the park - he would rather have stayed home and watched videos or played video games a lot of the time. I hate that stuff, and I think it's bad for their minds. So I would say "OK, half an hour of video games, then we're going to the park". He would try everything after the half hour was up. Sulking, whining, refusing to put his shoes on, crying, etc. ANYTHING not to have to go outside, but I'm as patient as I am mean. I could sit there for a hour waiting for him to put on his shoes and coat if that's what it took, and he simply was not allowed to do anything but that. I let him wander around the house even, but if he turned the TV on I turned it off and just waited.

Maybe it's only because I've spent so much time looking after other people's kids, and you simply can't smack other people's kids if you don't want to go to jail, but I've learned violence is completely un-necessary in every case.

 

[Autodidact]

Yes, it's his choice. He can get going, spend the time outside playing, or spend it inside looking for his coat. You make it in the child's interest to get with the program. e.g. if they do have TV time or whatever that they want, you say, "As soon as X,Y, Z is done, then we can...have the nice thing you want." Then they're motivated to hurry up and get X, Y, Z done.

btw, once you got outside, did he have a good time?

 

[Alceste]

Yes, it's his choice. He can get going, spend the time outside playing, or spend it inside looking for his coat. You make it in the child's interest to get with the program. e.g. if they do have TV time or whatever that they want, you say, "As soon as X,Y, Z is done, then we can...have the nice thing you want." Then they're motivated to hurry up and get X, Y, Z done.

btw, once you got outside, did he have a good time?

Yeah, it was just a power struggle. He wanted to go outside, but he also wanted to be the boss and make the rules.

I never went with the bribery with this kid, or any kid. (Perhaps I should say "incentives") - I would have worried that I'd have to think up a treat every time I wanted cooperation. I suppose the main incentive I used was "if you do as I say right away, I won't sit down and explain to you in very boring, grown-up detail why you have to do it."

 

[Aquitaine]

Most people find it too hard to be mean (i.e. consistent) so hit instead. It's an admission of ineffective parenting.

Give over. It's not "ineffective parenting" at all to administer physical discipline depending on the circumstances.

It's not as if spanking should be used entirely on it's own, as if <spank> and then that's it. Like every method in life, there are more aspects to that type of parenting approach. It is possible to mentally and verbally teach your kids lessons as they grow up, and spank them too if they show serious disobedience. Also, spanking doesn't have to be "casual", or the very first responce to disobedience; it could be that you may spank your child only once in his/her childhood - an example of this could be when you said that if you were hit by your teen, you'd hit back twice as hard, in order to teach him a lesson about hitting others.

Not only that, but there is no "ideal" way to bring up kids, since they're all different and react to different things. Which is why I don't think spanking should be "the rule" amongst all kids, but with certain children (and under certain circumstances) it can be considered for use.

Alceste, I know you totally disagree with me about the "need" to be spanked, and I guess it is upto the calibre, judgement, or patience of the parent to determine whether or not a child "needs" spanking. However, that's not at all to say that parents who do spank are inpatient or have poor judgement. Not only that, but c'mon, didn't do us any harm. If anything (atleast for me) it made me learn to "feel" first hand, the consequences of my disobedience - and honestly, I'm thankfull for it.

I'd never interfere with how anyone else raises their children, and I'm not here to attack non-spanking, I'm here to just defend to a degree, the circumstancial application of spanking.

 

[TurkeyOnRye]

Spanking is physical violence, plain and simple. It is used by parents who do not know how to deal with their own personal frustration as a parent, which is very unfortunately delegated to their children. Spanking is NEVER beneficial; that much is very obvious to me. You're hurting your child, for f**** sake! You want your child to behave? Be a rolemodel. I believe most parents, however, don't act as a role-model themselves; they are hypocrital, non-sensical dictators very often, and so on a deeper level, they probably don't even think of themselves as a good role-model. Thus the cycle of ineffective parenting continues by means of passing down techniques that deliver the quickest results possible with a minimum expenditure of compassion and recognition of core issues.

 

[Wannabe Yogi]

I was both spanked as punishment as a child and abused, and I personally find nothing wrong in using spanking as a form of correction. That being said, it should not be the only form of correction or even the most commonly used one with any child.

I agree.

If you don't count the tweezer electric outlet fireworks display of my son when he was two. I never spank my child. I believe that if you are spanking your child more then once a week and they are still brats its time to find a new way of doing things.

 

[Wannabe Yogi]

There is so much conflciting data on spanking as a form of discipline for children.But it seems like more and more its coming out that it does more harm than good.There is even some claims that being spanked as a child can lead to sexual problems as an adult.But just overall that its bad for the childs self eteem and performance and basically thats its not affective.Actually its very affective but temporarlily and in the long run is damaging.

I'd like to get opinions on this.Or anyone who has any reliable information on the topic.

Thanks!

Love

Dallas

The best long term way is to build a very close relationship with your kids. Then Just disapproval has a very powerful affect.

I also believe in natural consequences. If you don't do you homework you don't get to play. This makes a lot of sense to kids they will fight you on this a lot less.

Many parents of young kids have a problem of two long of punishments. Take the toy away for 5 mins (this is a lifetime for a 4 year old ) then let them earn it back by being good. Set them up to be successful.

A real fun way of teaching kids is through play. IE. Use the toy horses have one horse kick the other one. Then have the kid teach them how to act right. This both teaches good behavior and builds the bonds of parent to child. In preschool my son had problems with another child I was always the bad kid being the bully and he was the teacher and the good kids. This help him deal with his peers.

Also Time out helps the parents cope more then teaches kids how to be good. Not that parants coping is a bad thing.

 

[Kathryn]

Dallas, I agree with your post that was in response to mine. I think parents need to do more of "let the punishment fit the crime," creative discipline - AND most importantly, as you pointed out - we need to REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOR. So much of bad behavior in children is a plea for attention - any attention - from their distracted, stressed out parents.

 

[Thief]

This thread is failing poorly.
There are good points here and there...but overall it has become a contest...who gets the last post.
In between...there are entries offered by late comers...followed by more of that..... get that last post.

Spanking is good stuff...I have used well...and effectively.
I have dealt with defiant children...quickly and easily.
Everyone benefits.

That some participants don't like it ...fine.

But it is a form of communication....that can do what bargaining cannot.

And reward is all fine and good.....but better character comes from those who perform for the sake of doing good....without reward.
Teach THAT to your children.
Every one will benefit.

 

[kellysalasin]

I've raised two civilized children without spanking-- and managed countless classrooms without it. My father use of spanking was disciplined-- in private and without anger. My body couldn't tell the difference. Link to my website to read two poems I wrote as a result.

 

[Autodidact]

Dallas, I agree with your post that was in response to mine. I think parents need to do more of "let the punishment fit the crime," creative discipline - AND most importantly, as you pointed out - we need to REWARD GOOD BEHAVIOR. So much of bad behavior in children is a plea for attention - any attention - from their distracted, stressed out parents.

What she said.

 

[DallasApple]

This thread is failing poorly.
There are good points here and there...but overall it has become a contest...who gets the last post.
In between...there are entries offered by late comers...followed by more of that..... get that last post.

Spanking is good stuff...I have used well...and effectively.
I have dealt with defiant children...quickly and easily.
Everyone benefits.

That some participants don't like it ...fine.

But it is a form of communication....that can do what bargaining cannot.

And reward is all fine and good.....but better character comes from those who perform for the sake of doing good....without reward.
Teach THAT to your children.
Every one will benefit.

Yes your right it is a form of cummunication.What my mother communicated to me when I was little was she could not be trusted not to hit me.And later what I now know the word for which is hypocrite or lets just say double standards.And she managed to do that irnonically without even realizing thats what she was doing rather thinking that somehow she was teaching me something good.

And if you choose not to reward your children for good behavior in order to build "better character" its a sad world.

They need to stop handing out special awards for outstanding achievment in the schools..or anywhere else for that matter.We need to do away with it for adults if its harming the character of little children forming their ideals and personalilties then its definately not necessary for adults either.

Why dont we start with the Nobel piece prize and work our way down.

Love

Dallas

 

[Thief]

Your sarcasm betrays you.
At least it looks like sarcasm.
You also make assumptions.

I was raised by my grandparents until I was almost ten.
Then my mother took over.

From one extreme to the other, I know first hand, the full extent both ends of this discussion.

Spanking is a technique. Most parents apply it with reservation and well played results.

Participants here, either have no experience, or the experience they draw from coincidently has little occasion in it.

Perhaps this topic should have been polled first.

 

[Sunstone]

And reward is all fine and good.....but better character comes from those who perform for the sake of doing good....without reward.
Teach THAT to your children.
Every one will benefit.

Interesting you would associate better character with doing something out of fear of punishment, rather than in anticipation of reward.

 

[Thief]

Mis-interpretation.
But of course the child would have to be old enough to appreciate a lecture of higher moral values.
How many adults do you know who perform without reward?
(Bear in mind that America is an economically driven society).

Until the child is old enough to understand motivation without reward...
He will need a correction...now and then.

 

[DallasApple]

Most parents apply it with reservation and well played results.

This is disputed by all the current research sir.

The parent "thinking its for the childs own good" does not make it for the childs good.And the research shows that its ILL effective..TEMPORARILY stops undesired behavior.

Love

Dallas

 

[Thief]

So maybe this topic should have been polled.
I don't know any parents that refrain such practice....and I see no "ill effects".

 

[DallasApple]

So maybe this topic should have been polled.
I don't know any parents that refrain such practice....and I see no "ill effects".

How do you "see no ill effects"?

If a specific person does have "ill effects" how would you know if they did or know if they didnt?

Overcoming being spanked is not the same thing as not being "ill effected".

And the fact that you dont know many people who refrain is because its a learned behavior.It turns into a cycle like many other dysfunctions and inabilities to cope without resorting to violence or harmful behavior.

Love

Dallas