Ray's Journal

[VoidCat]

Well, my son bullies adults in authority, mostly. He usually leaves kids alone.

I think its a control thing. He bullies his dad a lot. I won't tolerate it if I hear it.

So he got wise, and started spam emailing his dad, until his dad tattled on him.

It could also be an autonomy thing. many autistics may have strong feelings of autonomy to a fault that authority can be seen as imposing on autonomy thus needing to be fought. Kids also lack control over most their life so combined with the autonomy thing they might not know how to disagree respectfully with adults or go against authority in a socially acceptable way so they attack through bullying. Autistics also have strong internal rules and very rigid to a fault and unbending as a result. this is often a good thing but can also be a huge issue in many cases. Like an autistic person might think adults follow the rules too-they dont must attack them to get back at them. Again all these factors together can cause an autistic kid to attack adults. I'm not saying thats what is going on. but that might help you with figuring out whats going on

 

[VoidCat]

News on my friends family on asheville- they ok. Living with said friend. Lost everything but alive

 

[VoidCat]

So I'm home from visiting my aunt and her current husband. Learned a few more things bout my past.
1. I brought up remembering losing hair due to stress as a kid. I was curious what stressed me
out that much that it caused that. My aunt said there's was two times that she recalls that happening. The first time was when all four of us kids came into her care. I was losing a lot of hair. Not enough to have bald spots(neither time she recalled any bald spots due to hair thinning and loss). They couldn't figure out if it was due to malnutrition from living with my dad(we were neglected severely and all four of us had physical affects from that), not having hair properly brushed for a long time, or if it was due to stress from the moving to a new environment. The second time hair loss happened in her care she noticed it just prior to the divorce her and my uncle had. She thinks them fighting in combination with them arguing if I was going to live with my uncle or her and ultimately me staying with my uncle a few months before being brought back to her care because my uncle didn't want me in his care stressed me out extremely and that was the cause. She also noted that hair loss wasn't the only problem regarding hair and stress. She said at one point when she and my uncle were together I would pull my hair out to the point there was a bald spot at one point in the front of my head. Either way all three times my hair grew back once the intital stress was over. So all that was interesting to hear. I brought that up because of me losing hair recently and not knowing if it was stress or early male pattern baldness or both. Either way I'm under a lot less stress then I was and actually been feeling great this past week or so do if it is due to stress some that hair should grow back. If its both or just male pattern baldness it wont. She said yeah well if it is due to stress when it grows back my roots are gonna look funny due to them getting fluffy. She also told me to check my protein due to me going through HRT imma need a lot of protien more then most adults. That low protein can cause hair loss as well. I checked the last time it was checked on my portal and lo and behold its low. So yeah imma need to eat more protein even if it's not the cause of my hair loss.

2. I also found out all four of us kids not just my sister had floride poisoning due to the water we had drunk while living with our dad. This is why our teeth had an odd appearence(my sister her permanent teeth are stained funny even tho she didn't had those when we were exposed to that level of floride). However it wasn't the floride that caused dental issues but lack of proper hygenie. When we came into my aunts care my sister had around 9 cavities and my younger brother also had a high amount. My older brother and I had cavities as well but not that high. I asked if the floride poisoning to her knowledge causes vomiting as I remember us kids throwing up a lot as kids. She said that was more likely due to bad food as the house had a lot of expired food. Floride poisoning at that level would have been slow so she doubt it would cause vomiting and she doubts there was any physical effects from it other then the odd dental stains.
3. She disclosed that only my younger brother had glasses at my dads but all four of us needed them. She stated that I probably needed them years before we were in their care.

4. She talked of the events prior to taking us in. My dad got arrested. Then my grandfather called them saying they needed to get them however my aunt and uncle couldn't just drop everything to get us. So they called a lady at the church who she thinks was named Judy. Told her to give us some food in the meantime that they prepare to get us. Judy got us from school fed us and being it was Halloween when she got that phone call had us over for a halloween party before taking us back home. After seeing the state of the house Judy apparently called my aunt crying her eyes out asking when they were going to pick us kids up because if it was going to be weeks she was not going to leave us there and would call DSS. I dont know exactly what she saw but Judy stated that the house was not suited for kids was shocked at the state of our appearence and lack of clothes that fit and actually was concerned for our safety. My aunt stated that the state wouldn't allow them to come to I think the courthouse? She might have said jailhouse not sure but they wouldn't let her come to get my dad to sign us over to live with her and my uncle till that monday. Judy said ok and left us there for the weekend. That Monday my aunt and uncle were able to pick us up.

So all that info is new to me. I knew we were neglected pretty bad. But I have no clue who Judy is. All I know is according to my aunt Judy was a woman that was married to the pastor of a church. Whoever she is bless her seems she had a good heart.

 

[VoidCat]

Part two from visiting my aunt this time just talking about how halloween went.

I was visiting my aunt and her husbands kids going trick or treating. It went pretty well. I enjoyed myself. At first. Once it started getting dark my eyesight failed. I have nightblindness due to high myopia. Basically my eyes don't adjust well to changes in light especially in dim light. So there was a lot of flashing lights and it was dim light. I could not see well the last hour or so trick or treating. It got to the point I feared walking up to any house with the kids because the light hurt due to my eyes not adjusting quickly and I couldn't see said house and I kept getting afraid I'd lose sight of the people I was with. I started dragging my foot in front of me in a circle so I could feel changes in the ground and won't trip and kept grabbing my aunts arm. This one guy lol didn't realize I couldn't see handed me candy asked if that candy was alright since he had different kinds(I muttered yeah sure not knowing what type of candy he handed me in the first place)then realized I didn't have a bag asked if he needed to go inside and get one and then my aunt was like no we good thinking she needed to get my blind *** back to the car and we scooted away leaving him confused.

Other then that it was nice trick or treating.

 

[VoidCat]

Today has been a decent day. But I don't feel like doing homework. I feel like resting. My knees hurt like hell I think I injured them picking up kids. And I deserve a rest. I will say this week I'll be doing a major speech for my public speaking class it's a how to speech. I decided to do it on how to tune a guitar.

I also have been pensive lately thinking deeply about trauma and on mental health and how I view relationships, among other things. Spiritually I'm asking a lot of questions on a variety of subjects but mostly on relating to wildness, primalness, animals, mental shapeshifting, etc. I'm also asking a lot of questions on sexuality how to incorporate it into my spiritual path. I'm also more curious about therians and alterhumans. There's just a lot I'm thinking on.

 

[VoidCat]

Two things regarding hair loss. I just check my head. It's not male pattern baldness or likely related to Trans. One it's not patterned like either male or female pattern baldness. Two- when I lift my hair up at the sides there's thin patches. So too rapid. And three- my hair is thiner then it was everywhere.

So it's either stress(due to my history of hair thinning during stressful times) or hyperthyroidism or something else entirely. I'll ask doctor about it. Hopefully it grows back. If not...I'll shave my head lol.

 

[VoidCat]

...it's probably OK to have some insecurity or fears related to this...it'll likely hit me hard if I actually end up with noticeable bald spots that the rest my hair cant hide. But I don't want to freak out...imma just keep saying it'll be fine...

Do not want to scratch that wall of emotion. Its just appearance. I don't need to worry.

 

[JustGeorge]

...it's probably OK to have some insecurity or fears related to this...it'll likely hit me hard if I actually end up with noticeable bald spots that the rest my hair cant hide. But I don't want to freak out...imma just keep saying it'll be fine...

Do not want to scratch that wall of emotion. Its just appearance. I don't need to worry.

I'd talk to your doc. It could be a med doing this.

 

[VoidCat]

I'd talk to your doc. It could be a med doing this.

I'm going to

 

[VoidCat]

I posted this in the other thread on leg swelling but will here too
Therapist had an interesting theory regarding the legs swelling. So I have hair loss and it's much more then just male pattern baldness too fast and it's large patches but you wouldn't notice unless you lift up my hair like I did last night. I been hot all the time. Sweating. And irritable. She thinks it's menopause brought to you by T.

Going to doc tomorrow will get bloodwork done

I'll also add that makes sense why no one suggested that could be the problem...I'm 22

 

[VoidCat]

Posted this in the swelling thread but I'll put it here too
So few things. They doing a full hormone panal including checking my thyroid and prolactin levels. Last time a year ago before starting T my thyroid levels were suppressed but not enough for them to say I had thyroid issues. This time the doc wonders if I have a pituitary tumor or something. No need to panick that might not be the case. It could be T she said but they are wondering if it is not and it's actually my thyroid with my symptoms

 

[VoidCat]

I have been worried bout my thyroid for a couple months now but just ain't got it checked cuz I have an appointment in December figured I'd wait till them. Hopefully it's normal thatll be a relief but if it's not it would also be relieving to know I wasn't imagining things and can deal with it.

Good they checking it now regardless of the results I can be reassured.

 

[VoidCat]

Thyroid, CBC, and metabolic levels came back. The CBC ans metabolic levels were normal as was my vitamin b12. But the thyroid while it says it's normal is on the lower end.

Oh and my RBC is 5.42. I do not know if that's actually high like it says since I'm on T. Still waiting for other test results like T levels.

 

[VoidCat]

Thyroid, CBC, and metabolic levels came back. The CBC ans metabolic levels were normal as was my vitamin b12. But the thyroid while it says it's normal is on the lower end.

Oh and my RBC is 5.42. I do not know if that's actually high like it says since I'm on T. Still waiting for other test results like T levels.

They look normsl but I also don't know if being on T affects TSH levels and such maybe it needs to be higher or lower due to T. Add in age factors I don't know.

I'm hoping since it says normal it is indeed normal. I'll wait for the doc.

 

[VoidCat]

Oh prolactin levels came in. I am not even gonna guess if they normal or not. I know T can affect that, as can cycles and such, and being the fact I don't have periods anymore I don't know what that level is supposed to be. Hopefully the doctor will know it looks normal says it's normal also imma assume it is unless the doc says otherwise.

And that's everything. Just waiting for the rest of my results and for the doc to tell me their interpretation of them


I'm not worried.

 

[VoidCat]

Imma add a note here: Big issue is the system bases things off ciswomen ranges. I am on T so when it comes to hormone stuff the doctor has to interpret it they can't always go off of the system saying it's normal or not.

 

[VoidCat]

I'm happy. I got a book on basic college math. Looking in it i know more then I thought I would! Some I don't know but I'm sure I can learn it I'm now not as nervous as I was regarding math

 

[VoidCat]

I'm about to scream. I spent weeks on my lesson plan project. Weeks. I got it done by halloween. And it's due the 24th. But somehow somehow it's been deleted. I don't recall deleting. I do recall my computer crashing but that's it. Maybe I did delete it by accident. Idk. Either way I'm stressed out and trying to convince myself to eat.

 

[VoidCat]

I'm about to scream. I spent weeks on my lesson plan project. Weeks. I got it done by halloween. And it's due the 24th. But somehow somehow it's been deleted. I don't recall deleting. I do recall my computer crashing but that's it. Maybe I did delete it by accident. Idk. Either way I'm stressed out and trying to convince myself to eat.

I found the file on word. It won't open its asks if its been deleted. I downloaded an app to recover deleted files checked the recycling been everything. I'm screwed. Imma have to start over and restart the whole thing. And pray I get it done by the 24th. I told my professor. Emailed. Maybe they'll give more time.

 

[VoidCat]

Optimistism- ive finished bigger assignments before in less time. May I can complete it on time