Vanakkam,
Shiva is not a loving God, Shiva is a loving God.
Shiva is not love, Shiva is love.
Shiva is pleasure, Shiva is pain.
Shiva is light, Shiva is darkness.
Shiva give life, Shiva take life.
Shiva is merciful, Shiva is tyrannic.
Shiva is never with you, yet always with you.
Shiva is the problems you face, he is the pain you feel, he is your prayers for the pain to stop, he is the the relief.
He is the cancer that kills and the medecine that keeps alive. No other than Him put the souls in the world and take them back to Him, in whatever time He wishes.
People love Shiva, people hate Him, people do both. But He doesn't move or care. Love, hate, pain and joys, what are these on His level of existence ? Both love and pain are meaningless, just like the whole world is reduced to a single nothingness at the end of all, to just return to the non form.
There is no question of "loving" or "not loving" God like in the Abrahamic understanding. This is not how Shiva can be understood, I think. Because He is beyond that. And it's frustrating to try to keep hold on something that you can never touch, that is beyond every concept, far beyond your reach of tiny encaged soul. You just feel discouraged, abandonned, and you can only yell why. Why is this happening and why are you doing nothing.
But I'm sure you've felt that at last once in your life: Shivoham. You are not out of reach for Shiva. In fact, if He wasn't supporting you, you wouldn't be here. Just like the whole world would collapse if a single step of His mad neverending dance stopped. Imagine for a single second the course of every atom stopping, everything would dissapear. Even you. He is holding on you, it's a fact. You embrace Him out of love for that, then you hate Him when you loose sight of His arms. But He is unmovable, unchangable, yet madly dancing while shifting into the whole world at the same time.
What is it being happy ? Being happy or sad or in pain is meaningless. You are dancing with Shiva or you are not. Only when you are dancing to the tune of the universe you are at peace. Otherwise this is the whole flood of the material existence that traps you, but even when that happen, Shiva never stop dancing. Why ? Why would He stop dancing ? To pick you up ? The universe never stop for an individual, should Shiva stop, all collapse. How will you be able to experience without the world ? How will you be able to escape it without pain ? All these is not a question or love or not love. People hate Shiva because He never stop His dance to look at you, people love Shiva because He never stop His dance and thus, maintain the whole cycle of the universe to allow souls to continue their experiences.
Shiva is beyond everything. But He is here, at your very side at the same time. And there is not a single second where He is not beyond everything, and not a single second where He is not at your side.
It's easy to say hang on and those kind of stuff, I know it mean little to you. But never forget all these. All this pain you're feeling, it's here for a reason, it HAVE to happen. To burn karmic debt, or to makes you change, whatever reason it is happening, be sure it will yeld positive results later (in this life or in another).
None of what you're facing is eternal, it is a grain of sand in a gigantic universe, it's not even a brief filckering light comparing to the greatness and vastness of what you truly are.
Yes, praying is meaningless. All your pain, joy and hope, your actions and whole life are all prayers. You don't need to do anything else than living and experiencing.
If you need any support, don't hesitate. If I can do anything, even meaningless, then I will, really.
Aum Namah Shivaya
but he gave her to a good friend because of fear of having her hurt.
