Why is it Important to Love Who You Sleep With?

[Vile Atheist]

What are the consequences of having sex with someone you love compared to the consequences of having sex with someone you don't love?

About a difference of $500, for a higher class street worker.

 

[Falvlun]

About a difference of $500, for a higher class street worker.

Unless, of course the unloved person in question is desperately in love with you, or simply horny. Then you could get it for free.

But I still don't think it would be as good... well, at least for me I don't think it would be.

 

[richardlowellt]

But I still don't think it would be as good... well, at least for me I don't think it would be.

[/QUOTE]Is there such a thing as bad sex?

 

[Falvlun]

Is there such a thing as bad sex?

Sure there is. Maybe I'm pickier than some.

But even if you don't believe there is such a thing as bad sex, surely there is a continuum of good--->great--->awesome--->blow my mind

 

[Smoke]

What the heck? Of course sex is a mystical, sacred act, or at least it used to be before the modern world ruined it, like it did with a lot of things.

Oh, for the good old days of shame and guilt!

Condoms only work about 80% of the time, last I checked.

Condoms are much more effective than that. The users frequently aren't, though.

Oh, right, you're homosexual, you don't have to worry about pregnancy. "Atheist queer." Bleh, I dunno about you then. But as for most people...

That's right, the sex I have will not make a baby. Neither will the sex a lot of heterosexuals have, since a lot of them have had vasectomies or tubal ligations, or they have fertility problems, or the woman in the partnership is past the age of childbearing.

Besides, if you weren't in love, why the heck do you feel the urge to have sex in the first place? Sex without sexual attraction ("love," as it's most commonly used today) seems kinda pointless...

Confusing sexual attraction with love is a very dangerous mistake, and one that will lead to incredible heartache in the future if you don't snap out of it.

Are you saying that sex is so important that you should have loveless sex if can't find love, or are you saying that some people are incapable of obtaining sex? (It's sounding like the first, but I wanted to be sure)

I'm saying that sex is fun. It's comforting. It's a great thing to do on a rainy afternoon. Even if you don't love the other person(s).

 

[Smoke]

Unless, of course the unloved person in question is desperately in love with you, or simply horny. Then you could get it for free.

But I still don't think it would be as good... well, at least for me I don't think it would be.

Paying retail is never a good experience.

 

[Magic Man]

Care to elaborate?

I used to think it was important, but I've come to realize it's not. Of course, I've only ever had sex with someone I loved (my wife being the only one), but if, hypothetically, something happened to her eek, I wouldn't wait to find someone I loved. I'd have no problem sleeping with someone I just met (I would be careful about it, though, of course).

 

[Vasilisa Jade]

You know what else happens at a "surprising " rate" ..He's not even a "freak" in the sense he wants to do weird freaky things to you.He's a "freak' in the sense he doesnt want to do ANYTHING to you!

The guys complain..They boast about there "prowesness" and the wife just "won't".Where are the guys ADMITTING he wont touch her with a twig let alnone a 10 ft pole?Do you know they exist in alarming #'s?..And the only reason its coming out is women finally have to nerve to talk about it?

Love

Dallas

Oh and to add..It "has happened" to me..And I didnt even do the "right thing".We had sex before..( a lot including a baby)

The "surprise "fettish" that he hid from me was that we would have sex like "normal married people" every day..(at least) and not only that I didnt have the "right to say no" to him ever again because I was his "wife".( I learned this was his "fettish' on my HONEYMOON).

He NEVER told me that was his belief or expectation of me in a lengthy (but very young) courtship..He pulled that suppsed "ace card" within days after marriage.

I sprouted a pair of balls on the spot to match his devil horns and told him if that was the 'deal' I would be gettign an anullment or divorce the minute we got back home ...

YES I threatened divorce on my honeymoon!(stranger things have been known to happen).

Love

Dallas

Also I knew a "guy" believe it or not..LOL..that thought he was gettign a "non virgin" but "respectable" girl who loved him and they waited to have sex untill marriage..

After they were married she not only informed him that she had herpes(of the genital kind) but she reminissed about her "conquest" of the past in detail..Like 200 or so ...

I think she even kept a diary that she would reflect on.Talk about a fettish??

Love

Dallas

That is bizzare. I knew it had to happen! I am a total advocate for having sex and living together and playing "house," just to give it your best attempt to get these things out.

I'm sorry about your surprise though. That sucks, but I'm glad you dropped with a quickness and put a hault to that. Go You! :bow:

 

[Vile Atheist]

The "surprise "fettish" that he hid from me was that we would have sex like "normal married people" every day..(at least) and not only that I didnt have the "right to say no" to him ever again because I was his "wife".( I learned this was his "fettish' on my HONEYMOON).

How disrespectful.

 

[Alceste]

I'm saying that sex is fun. It's comforting. It's a great thing to do on a rainy afternoon. Even if you don't love the other person(s).

Heh - that reminds me of a song lyric: "I was over at a lover's place, though I thought I was over him yesterday, but hey, it's cheaper than a movie."

 

[Magic Man]

The "surprise "fettish" that he hid from me was that we would have sex like "normal married people" every day..(at least) and not only that I didnt have the "right to say no" to him ever again because I was his "wife".( I learned this was his "fettish' on my HONEYMOON).

This does explain the argument we had a while back. I hope you realize that I think your husband's idea is stupid and barbaric.

 

[blackout]

You choose whom you sleep with when you are not married, when you are, you have no LEGAL choice.

That of course depends on the 'legal' arrangement you and your spouse have put in place.

 

[Nanda]

You choose whom you sleep with when you are not married, when you are, you have no LEGAL choice.

If both partners are in agreement that they want an open marriage, then legality becomes meaningless. No third party is going to step in and try to interfere with what goes on between consenting adults in that scenario.

 

[Caladan]

I think "like" & enjoy, is pretty darn important.

Love is important, when it is important to you.
Not everyone has that option though.
You can't just magically conjure up partners
with which you share a deeper love.

They come to you, or they don't.
Life blocks you from them or it doesn't.
You take them to yourself when they step into your world,
or you turn them away for .... other reasons.

I agree. we cannot conjure feelings of deep and eternal love for everyone we are engaged in sexual activity with, however we can sure discern with whom we are engaged in sex, and we can share feelings for them, and special moments. even love them.. for a while.

 

[Vasilisa Jade]

Confusing sexual attraction with love is a very dangerous mistake, and one that will lead to incredible heartache in the future if you don't snap out of it.

I'm saying that sex is fun. It's comforting. It's a great thing to do on a rainy afternoon. Even if you don't love the other person(s).

I couldn't have said it better, for real.

I have an IUD. And before I was in my current relationship I met this awesome cop guy. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I made it clear that I didn't want one. We hung out and had a lot of fun and ended up doing the dirty even though I didn't plan on it. We used a condom so I had std protection and double pregnancy protection. It was one of those wrestling matches unexpectedly turned hot. lol. Afterwards I made it clear to him that the sex didn't change anything. We were both still free and friends only. He was totally cool with it. It's been over a year and we are still friends. I have gotten two of those occassional messages online asking,

"You single yet?"

-"No."

"Well darn."

-"lol"

It's nice to have friends who are cool and understanding and there for you to make you feel sexy when you just went through a breakup... if you are both single that is.

If I were single (God forbid cause I do love my boyfriend a lot), I would have hopped right on over there, and dammit he'd better do the same for me. LOL.

It is kinda a funny situation though, when you have a Cuddle Buddy and you enter into a relationship with someone. You're like, "Um I don't know how to tell you this, but we can't have casual sex anymore. I have a boyfriend now. "

LOL

 

[Alceste]

It's nice to have friends who are cool and understanding and there for you to make you feel sexy when you just went through a breakup... if you are both single that is.

LOL

Yeh, that reminds me of a time when I was over at a good friend's place. We hung out for a while, then out of the blue, he asked "Want to have sex"? I was a little surprised, and said "Why?" (don't know what kind of question that is lol). He said "Because you're single, and I'm single, and I'm attracted to you, and you're attracted to me... at least I hope you are." I thought "well, I certainly can't argue with that logic." It was fun, and we're still friends.

 

[T-Dawg]

Yeh, that reminds me of a time when I was over at a good friend's place. We hung out for a while, then out of the blue, he asked "Want to have sex"? I was a little surprised, and said "Why?" (don't know what kind of question that is lol). He said "Because you're single, and I'm single, and I'm attracted to you, and you're attracted to me... at least I hope you are." I thought "well, I certainly can't argue with that logic." It was fun, and we're still friends.

This disconnection of sex and romance astounds me (not in an incredibly bad way). How do you do this without feeling incredibly awkward and weird? I feel all wrong inside whenever I try to imagine having casual sex.
Did this affect your relationship with your friend at all? Did anything bad/good happen as a result?

I don't get how this is relevant to the topic though =/. I assume you love your friends, and therefore it was not loveless sex? Casual =/= loveless. Hmm, I wonder... does God have a problem with casual sex, or just loveless sex?

We hung out and had a lot of fun and ended up doing the dirty even though I didn't plan on it. We used a condom so I had std protection and double pregnancy protection. It was one of those wrestling matches unexpectedly turned hot. lol.

Can I ask you something? Meh, I'ma ask anyway: If you weren't plannning on it, and it happened unexpectedly during a wrestling match, how did you get the condoms and doube pregnancy protection in? Did you really have that stuff prepared before the wrestling match?

 

[Alceste]

This disconnection of sex and romance astounds me (not in an incredibly bad way). How do you do this without feeling incredibly awkward and weird? I feel all wrong inside whenever I try to imagine having casual sex.
Did this affect your relationship with your friend at all? Did anything bad/good happen as a result?

Well, I am a person who questions everything - including social norms and mainstream morality. So I had already decided the connection of sex, love and relationships I had learned growing up was not justified or logical, and that holding onto that morality was going to do me more harm than good in the long run - it simply makes you bring a big batch of expectations and assumptions to every lovely first kiss.

So I didn't feel incredibly awkward and weird. I felt flattered and delighted. It's nice to be considered attractive. I suppose when I asked "Why?" I wanted some clarification of whether it was going to be the type of sex that is supposed to "mean something", or the just for fun kind. When he answered, I understood it would be just for fun, so there was no awkwardness. It's important to be clear about whatever expectations (or lack of them) you have.

I don't get how this is relevant to the topic though =/. I assume you love your friends, and therefore it was not loveless sex? Casual =/= loveless. Hmm, I wonder... does God have a problem with casual sex, or just loveless sex?

Well, if God is Love, then I suppose he only objects to loveless sex. He would object to loveless anything, really - loveless lawn-mowing. Loveless bus driving. Loveless work...

Can I ask you something? Meh, I'ma ask anyway: If you weren't plannning on it, and it happened unexpectedly during a wrestling match, how did you get the condoms and doube pregnancy protection in? Did you really have that stuff prepared before the wrestling match?

I know that's for Tigeress, but I'll jump in anyway - Most people have condoms standing by, "just in case", whether they are single or not.

 

[T-Dawg]

Well, I am a person who questions everything - including social norms and mainstream morality. So I had already decided the connection of sex, love and relationships I had learned growing up was not justified or logical, and that holding onto that morality was going to do me more harm than good in the long run - it simply makes you bring a big batch of expectations and assumptions to every lovely first kiss.

I too question everything, but I still don't get where this comes from. How did you figure out that sex was for fun and not a symbol of love, romance, and affection? This whole "sex for fun" thing is an extremely novel idea, you should market it... I think most Americans would like it... currently, the American view of sex consists of social objectives and confusion (in other words, people have sex for reasons relating to social standing), and it much needs to be improved.

So I didn't feel incredibly awkward and weird. I felt flattered and delighted. It's nice to be considered attractive.

It is? Then why are most people insulted when I consider them attractive?

I suppose when I asked "Why?" I wanted some clarification of whether it was going to be the type of sex that is supposed to "mean something", or the just for fun kind. When he answered, I understood it would be just for fun, so there was no awkwardness. It's important to be clear about whatever expectations (or lack of them) you have.

Having sex for fun on the spot with a non-romantic partner isn't awkward? And you didn't mind that there was no commitment afterward?

I know that's for Tigeress, but I'll jump in anyway - Most people have condoms standing by, "just in case", whether they are single or not.

That's kinda weird... but he really had it on at the time? If they were in a wrestling match and sexual urges suddenly took control, he probably wouldn't have been able (or it wouldn't have crossed his mind) to put the condom on. Stopping a sexual encounter to put on a condom kind of spoils the moment (which would end the sexual encounter if it was not planned).

I still don't get how you figured out sex was fun before having sex. Most of the books I've read suggest that sex is painful (and no, they were not Christian/fundie-oriented books) =/.

 

[Alceste]

I too question everything, but I still don't get where this comes from. How did you figure out that sex was for fun and not a symbol of love, romance, and affection?

Ha - I'd tell you but I'm not sure it's entirely PG.
(kidding)

Sexual desire is simply a biological fact. It's not "for" anything, unless you want kids. It can still be fun AND loving AND romantic AND affectionate with someone you don't want to marry or have babies with.

Then why are most people insulted when I consider them attractive?

It's all in the delivery.

Having sex for fun on the spot with a non-romantic partner isn't awkward? And you didn't mind that there was no commitment afterward?

No, I didn't want to be in a committed relationship with him, and vice versa. Since we clarified that at the start, it wasn't awkward. If one person has expectations the other doesn't share, and neither of them communicate their expectations, THAT'S when it gets awkward.

That's kinda weird... but he really had it on at the time? If they were in a wrestling match and sexual urges suddenly took control, he probably wouldn't have been able (or it wouldn't have crossed his mind) to put the condom on. Stopping a sexual encounter to put on a condom kind of spoils the moment (which would end the sexual encounter if it was not planned).

Oh dear! You weren't by any chance exposed to an "Abstinence education" program, were you?

Don't worry, condom packages come with instructions. Guys don't put them on until they're ready to go, and it only takes a second. There's not much "spoiling". Or, look at it this way, would you rather suffer a few seconds of "spoiled moment", or a few weeks - or a lifetime - of "spoiled genitals"? Or rather be a dad because you couldn't be bothered to wear a condom? It's not like these risks suddenly fly out of our minds as soon as we start groping one another.

I still don't get how you figured out sex was fun before having sex. Most of the books I've read suggest that sex is painful (and no, they were not Christian/fundie-oriented books) =/.

Painful? What have you been reading?