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Why would you get married?

amorphous_constellation

Well-Known Member
If you were never married or if you are divorced or widowed, why would you want to get married? In other words, what are the reasons to be married over remaining single?

I think people would want to be married if they plan to have children and raise a family, but other than that why would you have a desire to get married if you are not married?

I am mostly curious about people who are older and single but would like to get married. What are the reasons why older people want to get married if they were never married, or remarry if they were or divorced or widowed? In other words, why would an older person want to be married as opposed to remaining single and living alone?

If you are young or old, single and happy with no desire to get married, please explain why you have no desire to get married.

If you are young or old, and single and unhappy being single, and you have a desire to get married, please explain why you have a desire to get married.

As usual, I have a reason for asking these questions which will be revealed later.

Thanks, Trailblazer. :)

What I'm going to try to reply with will likely be pretentious and uninformed: I've never married, and likely will not. I am 36 and starting to get my first gray hairs. I feel like I would be too old to have a kid, or really build a complete life with another person

That said, my comments are as follows. I find your line of questioning to be quite common, in american/western culture after the middle of the last century. Fair enough I guess, as technology and a sense of new philosophy has freed people to do more of what they want in life. I have never been told to actually marry myself, and have very often been told that it would be a major pitfall, were I to. My mother told me I should just go travel. Family and acquaintances have often confessed to me that marriage is not worth it

I have witnessed domestic strife, between my mother and father. My own maternal grandmother had multiple marriages, and two of her sons, and a daughter, had divorced. I have coworkers that I can tell are divorced. What are their attitudes and choices based on, though? Is it about 'doing what they want to do,' or is it more about not getting along with others. Sure, those two things can both be present as qualities in a person, but which is more dominant?

Going back to your line of questions, I guess my conclusion is that a lot of that is too harsh - it seems to me that a culture that values marriage, thinks of it more as an intrinsic good. For example, I work in a factory with a lot of immigrants. Many, many of them are married, and they come in there to actually work with their significant others. On other hand, those of us that are natural born americans are steeped in an almost essential idea of atomization, and though I haven't analyzed the data, I feel like singleness and divorce is more common for us

I'm not judging how people 'want to live,' but then again, I am a social constructionist, and do believe that people live in those channels carved out for them by social forces.

-------------

And now to a few comments on what the Tarot seems to say. Skip if you are not interested. I have not thought very much about what the Tarot seems to say about couples, but there are two couples I have thought about in it, that may work. Though the Tarot is of course infinite, so it probably says a lot of things.. To follow what I am saying, you will have to look at the Tarot of Marseilles

I think that the queen of pentacles and the king of pentacles might make a good couple, despite the inherent flaws in their matching, if they are careful. The pentacles are of course, the suit of material. If the queen is first, and the king second, you can see they have their backs to each other. So it seems to me, that they risk indifference - so it seems like the one should tightly guard the back of the other, to make sure nothing comes between them.

Their strength doesn't rely on a face-to-face kind of bond, they aren't concerned with each other in that way, it seems. Their strength, when the queen is first, and the king second, is to scan the whole material world - you can see that they both look out onto the horizon forever in this position, the queen looking left, and the king looking right. So their collaboration can be powerful, in that they can find what they need to make it in the world.

Another couple, is almost an opposite kind of couple: and I think that it would be comprised of the Strength card, the first one on the left, and the Hermit, on the right. In this configuration, there is a different kind of synergy, where it seems like the human mind is completely understood. The hermit shines his lamp, onto what strength is doing: she is mastering all impulse, and the hermit is letting her see even more of the detail.

This couple, however, has both of their backs to the rest of the world. Is this a good thing? I might argue that in our atomized context, it might be. But obviously, there are disadvantages to not being able to look out over the world. That is to say, that the 'hermit' and 'strength' seem to work good together in the atomized context, but might be too atomized? Will they be as rich as the king and queen of pentacles? Probably not. But like I said, this is an example of an opposite mode, or nearly.

Either way, I dare to say that the Tarot will at least, by way of showing synergy, perhaps begin to declaim marriage/partnership as some kind of possible intrinsic good. And from what I can tell, through multiple reasons.
 
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Trailblazer

Veteran Member
I know a lot of people that are single, but then again Denmark is not really a hardcore religious country, so a lot of people chose to get married per tradition. Some just get registered at the town hall, either because they are atheists, not interested in the whole expensive party thing or because it comes with some benefits when you have kids.

My cousin got married in Las Vegas in an Elvis drive-in or something like that. My brother only got married due to the kids really. I honestly have no clue if any of the people in my family who got married were due to religious reasons.

Personally, obviously being an atheist, I find it all kind of silly, people make a huge deal out of it and everyone goes "Are you sure? it's a bit step etc." however when they get a child everyone goes "Congratulations that is so wonderful".

You can get divorced over the internet and costs around 100$. Not that easy to do with a child :D

Getting a child that is a commitment for life. Getting married is just a tradition, so it's fine if it makes people happy, but really think they take it way too seriously, compared to what is at stake. :)
Well, I was kind of down in the dumps and look who showed up, my favorite atheist. :D
You just made my day and of course you made some good points as well. Why make a big deal out of marriage when it is so easy to get a divorce, unless there are children involved, in which case an ugly custody battle can ensue, or at the very least children can be affected in a very negative way by the divorce.

I could have just as easily asked why get involved in another long-term relationship after a divorce or being widowed, because I was not necessarily interested in the marriage itself, but rather the commitment to another relationship especially where the couple lives together.

So, if an older person was married for decades, and then they got divorced or were widowed, why would they want to get involved in another long-term relationship or get married again, rather than remaining single?

I asked this question for a reason, a reason I have not yet divulged. ;)
Stay tuned to this TV station.
 

Trailblazer

Veteran Member
What I'm going to try to reply with will likely be pretentious and uninformed: I've never married, and likely will not. I am 36 and starting to get my first gray hairs. I feel like I would be too old to have a kid, or really build a complete life with another person
So would having a child be the primary reason you would get married?

You are so young. Many people get married in their 30s and build a complete life with another person. A boss I once had got married when he was 42 and he and his wife who was about his age never had any children. My financial advisor got married when he was 42 and had two children. His wife is 15 years younger than him and their children have now graduated from college and have successful careers. I got married at age 32 and my late husband was 42, but we never had any children.

I think that one reason people get married and stay together is because their parents were married and stayed together. My parents were married for 28 years until my father died. I was married for 37 years. There were difficulties in my parents' marriage as there were in mine, but I would have never divorced and I will never be sorry I got married. I am only sorry that I have been left alone, but that was bound to happen eventually because of the big age difference.
 

amorphous_constellation

Well-Known Member
So would having a child be the primary reason you would get married?

Well I think it might be useful to try and understand some of what I wrote, about what the Tarot seems to say. It generally seems to talk about how the couples can form a complementary synergy. And I think a child may follow from that, but I tend to think that the cards speak of the synergy between the couple, before other things follow, like procreation or shared material gain. We are all different people, and I guess a long-term partner is an extension of one's qualities, a sort of useful building addition on the building of one's innate personality?
 
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Nimos

Well-Known Member
So, if an older person was married for decades, and then they got divorced or were widowed, why would they want to get involved in another long-term relationship or get married again, rather than remaining single?
Again tradition and if there are some "official" things that are beneficial from doing it. :)

Also, some people have a very difficult time being alone and constantly need someone around them, that could be a reason as well. But still, I don't see the point in getting married at that age, at least when you are young its an adventure, as you get old its just a hassle :D

I asked this question for a reason, a reason I have not yet divulged. ;)
Stay tuned to this TV station.
Interested :)

Be sure to tag me when you reveal it as I might miss it otherwise :D
 

Dawnofhope

Non-Proselytizing Baha'i
Staff member
Premium Member
I looked Baha'i marriage up, and it said they had to rely on the laws of the country. I'm assuming any member of the LSA has signing authority.

In New Zealand the National Assembly appoints a number of marriage officiators whose only function is to ensure the marriage vows are recited and to sign the Baha'i marriage certificate. They have no other role in the marriage ceremony. The Baha'i Assembly provides oversight to ensure an officiator is available and that consent of parents have been given. Individual Assembly members have no authority in such matters.
 

Subduction Zone

Veteran Member
I agreed on the understanding that there'd be no kale involved.

Weird. Just read this:

"Same-sex couples who registered their civil partnership in England and Wales can convert their civil partnership into a marriage. Opposite-sex civil partners can’t convert their civil partnership to a marriage."
- Registering a civil partnership
Weird, maybe because at one point gay people could only choose a civil partnership.
 

crossfire

LHP Mercuræn Feminist Heretic Bully ☿
Premium Member
I'm not interested in getting married because I am not interested in sex. Childbirth cured me of that pesky sex drive years ago.
 

Trailblazer

Veteran Member
Again tradition and if there are some "official" things that are beneficial from doing it. :)

Also, some people have a very difficult time being alone and constantly need someone around them, that could be a reason as well. But still, I don't see the point in getting married at that age, at least when you are young its an adventure, as you get old its just a hassle :D
I think that some people do find it difficult to be alone so even if they do not want to get married or involved in a long-term relationship, they might be dating many people all the time. I cannot imagine that since I like to be alone and I never dated before I got married. In fact, I was not even looking for a husband when he literally landed at my doorstep, and three weeks later I was married.

I think the reasons why some people want to get involved in another long-term relationship or get married again after they get divorced or are widowed are very much related to the individual and the life they led before being divorced or widowed. For example, if they were happily married before they were divorced or widowed they might seek another relationship wherein they could be happy again. That is my psychological analysis given my most recent academic background is in psychology.

Of course there is also projection, so if you think that marriage would be an adventure or a hassle then you might think that others would also see it that way. ;)
Interested :)

Be sure to tag me when you reveal it as I might miss it otherwise :D
I definitely will because I want your opinion on what I am going through. :)
Meanwhile, if you are looking for some entertainment you can read what happened to me on these two threads.

Con men on dating sites

Con men on dating sites – Part 2
 

Trailblazer

Veteran Member
I'm not interested in getting married because I am not interested in sex. Childbirth cured me of that pesky sex drive years ago.
I am interested in getting married but I am not interested in sex. This usually presents a problem since 99.9% of men are interested in sex and I cannot find the 0.1% of men who aren't.

How do I know this about men? I know because I have have a membership on several dating sites, including one called Spiritual Singles, which is the last dating site I joined, hoping to find a man who was spiritual and not interested in sex. Instead what I found is that most men who call themselves spiritual are really into sex and consider it a very important part of a relationship. I would not be so surprised if these men were younger, but these men are in their late 60s and 70s.
 

crossfire

LHP Mercuræn Feminist Heretic Bully ☿
Premium Member
I am interested in getting married but I am not interested in sex. This usually presents a problem since 99.9% of men are interested in sex and I cannot find the 0.1% of men who aren't.
Lol, I can't imagine that .1% wanting to get married, except to maybe get a live-in housekeeper.

How do I know this about men? I know because I have have a membership on several dating sites, including one called Spiritual Singles, which is the last dating site I joined, hoping to find a man who was spiritual and not interested in sex. Instead what I found is that most men who call themselves spiritual are really into sex and consider it a very important part of a relationship. I would not be so surprised if these men were younger, but these men are in their late 60s and 70s.
You might find more luck with the Ace community.
 

Trailblazer

Veteran Member
Lol, I can't imagine that .1% wanting to get married, except to maybe get a live-in housekeeper.
Why wouldn't those men want to get married? Are you saying that older men who are impotent would not want to be married? What ever happened to companionship in old age?

For the first 15 years of my marriage sex was very important to me but I stopped having sex 22 years ago and I never thought about it again, except when people started talking about it in this forum. For the last 22 years we had a platonic relationship.

Why is sex so important to people, that is the hundred-dollar question.
Sex is just a physical sensation that feels good and lasts a few minutes. Some people want to say it has some deeper meaning but sex is physical, not spiritual.
You might find more luck with the Ace community.
What's that?
 

crossfire

LHP Mercuræn Feminist Heretic Bully ☿
Premium Member
Why wouldn't those men want to get married? Are you saying that older men who are impotent would not want to be married? What ever happened to companionship in old age?

For the first 15 years of my marriage sex was very important to me but I stopped having sex 22 years ago and I never thought about it again, except when people started talking about it in this forum. For the last 22 years we had a platonic relationship.

Why is sex so important to people, that is the hundred-dollar question.
Sex is just a physical sensation that feels good and lasts a few minutes. Some people want to say it has some deeper meaning but sex is physical, not spiritual.

What's that?
Ace is short for asexual.
 

It Aint Necessarily So

Veteran Member
Premium Member
I have a reason for asking these questions which will be revealed later.

Here's the cynical but practical response.

I wouldn't remarry if I found myself alone. I'm 68 and financially secure. The only benefit might be fulltime companionship, but marriage isn't required to be living together.

The problem here is that the risk of inviting a predator of sorts into your life is too great, somebody looking at you as a source of wealth. I think it might be very difficult to determine that before being harmed. Nice, older people tend to be gullible, to be unaware that so many of these people are out there, and to be susceptible. I would say getting married is unnecessary and risky. Comingling assets is a mistake. Giving access to your assets (joint accounts) to another is a mistake. Loaning more than a small amount of money is a mistake (all loans should be considered gifts anyway). And absolutely never make anybody like that the beneficiary of a life insurance policy.

In my opinion, anybody uninterested in you under those conditions is somebody to avoid. What legitimate reason would they have for objecting? None. Marriage is a way for such a person to gain access to your life. If he's a con, he'll tell you how important it is to him, and reasons why he needs you to make this commitment and show this degree of trust.

Good luck.
 

Subduction Zone

Veteran Member
I forgot one benefit of getting married. Sex. Endless sex. Of course I might have to join on the more conservative sects of an Abrahamic religion. Anyone where a female is for all practical purposes just property. For example any Christian church that takes Ephesians 5 22-24 literally will do:

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Yeah baby! That is what I am talking about. Like a God.

Now I may be cherry picking, but there are sects that would agree with that. Dang I wish that I could remember which mildly welly known Christian woman (she goes by a tagline similar to "a Christian Wife") literally advocate for this and asked how long could it take anyway (a serious sign that her husband is doing something terribly wrong).
 

Trailblazer

Veteran Member
Ace is short for asexual.
asexual: a person who has no sexual feelings or desires, or who is not sexually attracted to anyone. what are asexuals - Google Search

That is not really what I am. I just stopped having sex through lack of interest and because I thought sex interfered with my connection to God. I might be sexually attracted to a man I was in love with, but what I would do with my desires is another matter. I would never have sex out of wedlock.
 

Trailblazer

Veteran Member
I forgot one benefit of getting married. Sex. Endless sex. Of course I might have to join on the more conservative sects of an Abrahamic religion.
Would it be worth it? :D
You might be able to find a woman who wants endless sex, as long as you can hold out, who is not even religious at all. ;)
 
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