Why would you get married?

[Trailblazer]

It only takes a few successful cases to keep them going.

And it only takes one woman like me to report them to the FBI.

 

[Jayhawker Soule]

Freedom, no need to compromise on your location, lifestyle, work hours, recreation, choices, friends... anything! You can do whatever you want, whenever you want, wherever you want, however you want, with whomever you want.

What benefits do you see in marriage that are unavailable to singles?

Among other things, it conveys to my wife that I neither seek nor want freedom from her. Given your comments, I assume that marriage would not be appropriate for you or your potential partner.

 

[Wildswanderer]

I don't see being single as precluding that.

Well the definition of single is, um, single. As in, no significant other.

 

[Trailblazer]

@Nimos
@Truthseeker

In the OP I asked why older people want to get married if they were never married, or remarry if they were or divorced or widowed and I said that I have a reason for asking these questions which will be revealed later. Now I am going to reveal the reason why I asked this question.

When my late husband passed away recently, I thought I needed to get married again.
I explained some of the reasons why I thought I needed to get married again in this post: #68

The immediate reason I thought I needed to get married again was because I felt helpless having to take care of my big house and property and all my cats all by myself, but I later realized that is not a good reason to get married because I have plenty of money to hire people to help me with the house and property and the cats.

I do not want to get married because I need to feel loved and I did not want to get married because I have a need for sex. I would like the companionship and emotional support that marriage provides but I am uncomfortable with the expectations that most men have for a physical relationship, particularly a sexual relationship. That is not to say that if I was in love with a man I would not be willing to have sex with him, just that I am not really interested in sex or anything physical at this time. This puts me in a difficult position since most men want sex and expect it in a marriage.

 

[Valjean]

Well the definition of single is, um, single. As in, no significant other.

Or is it simply celibate, unmarried?

 

[Nimos]

@Nimos
@Truthseeker

In the OP I asked why older people want to get married if they were never married, or remarry if they were or divorced or widowed and I said that I have a reason for asking these questions which will be revealed later. Now I am going to reveal the reason why I asked this question.

When my late husband passed away recently, I thought I needed to get married again.
I explained some of the reasons why I thought I needed to get married again in this post: #68

The immediate reason I thought I needed to get married again was because I felt helpless having to take care of my big house and property and all my cats all by myself, but I later realized that is not a good reason to get married because I have plenty of money to hire people to help me with the house and property and the cats.

I do not want to get married because I need to feel loved and I did not want to get married because I have a need for sex. I would like the companionship and emotional support that marriage provides but I am uncomfortable with the expectations that most men have for a physical relationship, particularly a sexual relationship. That is not to say that if I was in love with a man I would not be willing to have sex with him, just that I am not really interested in sex or anything physical at this time. This puts me in a difficult position since most men want sex and expect it in a marriage.

I see

It seems like a good choice, you have no reason to rush anyway. Nothing prevents you from trying it out and focusing on yourself and if you don't like it after a year or two, you can get married again.

But I think I mentioned to you earlier that there are probably many ways you can seek social interaction other ways, which is what you seem to be most interested in, whether that is through various hobbies or whatever. And from what you have told me before, I guess there is nothing that prevents you from moving either if you don't really think you can find such things in the area where you live now.

And if you have a strong economy, there is probably a good amount of choices available.

 

[Trailblazer]

I see

It seems like a good choice, you have no reason to rush anyway. Nothing prevents you from trying it out and focusing on yourself and if you don't like it after a year or two, you can get married again.

But I think I mentioned to you earlier that there are probably many ways you can seek social interaction other ways, which is what you seem to be most interested in, whether that is through various hobbies or whatever. And from what you have told me before, I guess there is nothing that prevents you from moving either if you don't really think you can find such things in the area where you live now.

And if you have a strong economy, there is probably a good amount of choices available.

Thanks for the ideas but I am not looking for social interaction. Although that might be beneficial for me I can't want what I do not want. I am an introvert, not an extrovert, and I don't enjoy socializing in groups. I just want one person to share my life with, but finding that one person might not be an easy task.

My only hobby is the cats and there are no cat groups that I know of. My other interest is religion, but that interest is waning, and besides, I am not interested in the activities that the other Baha'is are interested in, book clubs and study groups. Besides that, almost all Baha'i activities are now on Zoom and I am not interested in Zoom meetings.

 

[Truthseeker]

I am rethinking the reasons why I would want to get married again and that was the purpose of this thread. After my late husband passed on the reason I felt a need for a man was because I felt helpless and I wanted help with the house and property and help with the cats, but I later realized I have enough money to hire help and I have already arranged to get help with the cats. Moreover, my late husband was not helping me with anything for the last few years even when he was alive and well, so my situation now is no different, except that I do not have to take care of him.

That's the reason why you needed a man? Surprises me, I didn't have that impression at the time.

I cannot even imagine marrying someone unless I knew what his character was line ahead of time and that is a requirement for Baha'i marriage and there are ways of determining this. Although I can certainly understand how meeting someone on a dating site can present problems, people do meet on dating sites and get married and live happily ever after. After my brother was widowed he met a Baha'i woman on a Baha'i dating site and they have now been happily married for about 15 years.

Johnie and Deborah Henderson, a Baha'i couple I recently have been meeting on Zoom also met on a dating site. They live in St. Paris, Ohio, a small town of 1,882. A virtue of Zoom is that I can talk to people even in other states or even in other countries.

 

[Trailblazer]

That's the reason why you needed a man? Surprises me, I didn't have that impression at the time.

Well, now you know. I knew whay I wanted to remarry then and I know now. I was never looking for love, I was looking for help with the cats and house and companionship. William showered me with love songs and convinced me he loved me so I thought if he loved me that much he would do all the things he promised to do. What a fool I was, but he was a greater fool for wasting so much time on me and never getting any money.

Johnie and Deborah Henderson, a Baha'i couple I recently have been meeting on Zoom also met on a dating site. They live in St. Paris, Ohio, a small town of 1,882. A virtue of Zoom is that I can talk to people even in other states or even in other countries.

Did they meet on a Baha'i dating site? Why are all these other Baha'is finding a partner on Baha'i dating sites and I can't? You have seen my photo and I am attractive and look young for my age. I am also financially secure, actually loaded, and I have my physical health and a good mind, with perfect cognitive faculties.

Maybe I could meet a Baha'i man on Zoom, but how would he know I was looking for marriage?

 

[Trailblazer]

@Truthseeker

There is a man who is not a con man who lives in my city and he wants to date me. He does not think people our age (he is 67, I am 69) should get married because we are too old. He thinks people our age should live together and I assume he would want sex. I just gave him an earful and I enjoyed doing it.

In the message I said:
To be clear, I would never live with a man and have sex out of wedlock. I would never even have sex out of wedlock at all since it is prohibited by the laws of my religion. I do not even desire sex, but if I was married I might be willing to have sex. Talk about being too old for something, why do men in their 60s and 70s still want sex with women? There are so many more important things in life than sex.

 

[Truthseeker]

Did they meet on a Baha'i dating site? Why are all these other Baha'is finding a partner on Baha'i dating sites and I can't? You have seen my photo and I am attractive and look young for my age. I am also financially secure, actually loaded, and I have my physical health and a good mind, with perfect cognitive faculties.

Yes, they said they really did meet on a dating site. However, she wasn't a Baha'i when they got married, so I assume it wasn't a Baha'i dating site. They both have attractive characters, and I like to interact with them. Having an attractive personality and character is what counts, and that was true with Sara and I when we courted long distance by mail in 1982. Part of the initial reason they were interested in each other I understand is that he was black and she was white. I'm not sure thats true about Deborah, but Johnie's first wife was white, so he wanted a white wife. I can see they love each other.

 

[Trailblazer]

Yes, they said they really did meet on a dating site. However, she wasn't a Baha'i when they got married, so I assume it wasn't a Baha'i dating site. They both have attractive characters, and I like to interact with them. Having an attractive personality and character is what counts, and that was true with Sara and I when we courted long distance by mail in 1982. Part of the initial reason they were interested in each other I understand is that he was black and she was white. I'm not sure thats true about Deborah, but Johnie's first wife was white, so he wanted a white wife. I can see they love each other.

That is interesting. People can and do become Baha'is after marrying a Baha'i.

Yes, personality and character are what matters most but I think there also has to be shared values and a physical attraction, pleasing to the eye as Abdu'l-Baha said.

People do tend to go by past experience, be it good or bad, so they want to avoid what was bad and repeat what was good. There was a black man from a dating site who was very interested in me and as I told you before, I am not generally attracted to black men, but he was pleasing to the eye. The reason I put him off is because he lives over 100 miles away and I don't think we are compatible, given a culture and religion gap, although I could be wrong. He is a nice man, I can tell, so I do not want to hurt him as I have been hurt by the con men on dating sites.

 

[FredVB]

I know what marriage is like. Yes I am older. It really really needs to be with the right one. If it isn't it would not work out even with really trying to make it work. But we are made to thrive with the partner the spouse we are married to can be, and we are made to be loving our spouse. Common faith is extremely important in that. If one is vegan, the other should really be vegan. We should find the one we should be with, when it is possible. There needs to be many agreements to start with.

 

[Trailblazer]

I know what marriage is like. Yes I am older. It really really needs to be with the right one. If it isn't it would not work out even with really trying to make it work. But we are made to thrive with the partner the spouse we are married to can be, and we are made to be loving our spouse.

I agree with all of that.

Common faith is extremely important in that. If one is vegan, the other should really be vegan. We should find the one we should be with, when it is possible.

I agree with that but I also think it is unrealistic to expect to find someone within our own faith if our faith is very small, as is the Baha'i Faith.
My late husband was a Baha'i and we had the same eating habits but how we met and married was just a fluke. I do not expect that to happen again.

There needs to be many agreements to start with.

I definitely agree with that.

 

[Kathryn]

I can testify for widows and for those who are living together without being married.

I am a widow. I am not looking for a future husband, but nearly four years after my husband suddenly and surprisingly dropped dead of a massive, first time heart attack, I am also not saying I WON'T remarry, but I am definitely not on the prowl for a man so to speak. For one thing, my late husband would be a hard act to follow, and that's no lie - we literally argued ONE time, before deciding mutually that we simply don't like arguing so we would simply debate a few things instead. (Very few things apparently, because I don't recall even debating anything with him other than some lyrics to a song!) Anyway, for another reason - well, I've decided that I love being single. I don't want to move in with anyone, or have them move in with me. I love choosing to watch whatever I want to watch whenever, and I love choosing whatever I want to eat whenever, and I love being financially independent. Heck, I just love being independent!

As for living together without being married, my youngest son has been living with his girlfriend now for five years, and if he were to lose her, it would feel terrible to me, because I like her so, so much. They have no kids together. Ironically, if she were to become pregnant, my son would probably marry her immediately. But she's older than him, nearly 40, and things just don't seem to be headed in that direction. So who knows?

 

[Trailblazer]

I can testify for widows and for those who are living together without being married.
I am a widow. I am not looking for a future husband, but nearly four years after my husband suddenly and surprisingly dropped dead of a massive, first time heart attack, I am also not saying I WON'T remarry, but I am definitely not on the prowl for a man so to speak.

Sorry for your loss, and so sudden. My late husband only lived about two months after his cancer diagnosis and I thought that was sudden.
I am in the same boat with you. I am not saying I WON'T remarry, but I am definitely not on the prowl for a man. I was seriously looking after my husband first died in 2022, but not anymore. After I have seen what's out there I doubt I will ever find a man I am compatible with, one I like who also likes me, a man I am attracted to, a man who would be amenable to my lifestyle.

I used to think my religion that would be the problem, but it is not so much that. It is the 8 cats and the fact that I will never have sex out of wedlock. The latter is connected to the laws in my religion, but I never would have sex out of wedlock even if I had no religion. So there you have it. I am not going to give up any of my cats and I am not going to compromise my values ever. Given that, I don't expect many, if any, men will ever want to marry me, and I don't care anymore. I am happy with two things in my life, my cats and my values, so I am not giving them up for any man.

For one thing, my late husband would be a hard act to follow, and that's no lie - we literally argued ONE time, before deciding mutually that we simply don't like arguing so we would simply debate a few things instead. (Very few things apparently, because I don't recall even debating anything with him other than some lyrics to a song!)

My late husband would also be a hard act to follow, partly because we both loved cats and we shared the same religion, but also because we had compatible personalities.. It is not as if we never argued but it was never contentious. If we did argue it was mostly about what he was not helping around the house or yard, especially after he retired. We had 'discussions' about religion and even though we were both Baha'is we did not agree about everything.

Anyway, for another reason - well, I've decided that I love being single. I don't want to move in with anyone, or have them move in with me. I love choosing to watch whatever I want to watch whenever, and I love choosing whatever I want to eat whenever, and I love being financially independent. Heck, I just love being independent!

I always ate what I wanted and watched what I wanted on TV when I was married but it would not necessarily be that way with another man.
I am okay with living alone and I do not feel lonely. I don't want anyone living with me unless I get married again. I do not even want a female roommate.

Now that I finally found a handyman I can trust who can work on the house, the only reason for me to get married again would be for companionship, someone to talk to and someone to grow old with. I don't care about sex, and I don't like the expectations that men have for sex, no matter how old they get, so that always presents a problem. I am not much for cuddling either, and I would rather cuddle with the cats than with a man, since men always have more expectations.

As for living together without being married, my youngest son has been living with his girlfriend now for five years, and if he were to lose her, it would feel terrible to me, because I like her so, so much. They have no kids together. Ironically, if she were to become pregnant, my son would probably marry her immediately. But she's older than him, nearly 40, and things just don't seem to be headed in that direction. So who knows?

I would never live with a man I am not married to. Living together includes having sex and I would never have sex out of wedlock since that is against the Baha'i laws. Of course that presents a problem since no men I have met would consider marrying a woman unless she is willing to have sex before marriage. Not happening.

 

[John53]

We got married because it made it easier for my wife to get permanent residency. Both of us would have happily skipped it otherwise. It's just a bit of useless paper that I don't need to say I love and care for my partner in life.

 

[Kathryn]

Did y'all know that the PURITANS of all people were incensed that the state would try to interfere with marriage? They did not believe in marriage by any state official or by the state.

 

[Trailblazer]

Did y'all know that the PURITANS of all people were incensed that the state would try to interfere with marriage? They did not believe in marriage by any state official or by the state.

Although it requires a piece of paper from the state a Baha'i marriage is much more than a piece of paper.

Baháʼí marriage is union of a man and a woman. Its purpose is mainly spiritual and is to foster harmony, fellowship and unity between the two partners.[1] The Baháʼí teachings on marriage call it a fortress for well-being and salvation and place marriage and the family as the foundation of the structure of human society.[2]

Baháʼí marriage - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

 

[Truthseeker]

Although it requires a piece of paper from the state a Baha'i marriage is much more than a piece of paper.

Baháʼí marriage is union of a man and a woman. Its purpose is mainly spiritual and is to foster harmony, fellowship and unity between the two partners.[1] The Baháʼí teachings on marriage call it a fortress for well-being and salvation and place marriage and the family as the foundation of the structure of human society.[2]

Baháʼí marriage - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

I saw in miniature the first Baha'i interracial marriage. Such a famous picture! (for Baha'is).