Wrong to Cheat on Partner?

[Mercy Not Sacrifice]

If you cheat on your spouse or partner, they never find out, and you don't contract any diseases, etc, is it wrong? Why?

I honestly don't know. Culture suggests one answer, but biology suggests another answer. As usual, in our society, culture wins out over science, so the reasons why people sleep around are typically misunderstood. At its core, cheating is not nearly as much of a conscious choice as many people would like to believe. It is a fact that every living species' fundamental objectives are to survive and reproduce. Cheating can help both sexes achieve that goal: For women, they can find partners that might seem more likely to support them, and for men, they can literally spread their seed more.

There is something else that I would like to observe. Consensual sex outside of marriage is generally looked upon with great scorn, but nonconsensual sex within marriage is often ignored entirely, even though it is by definition rape. I think that society would do well to change the word "cheating" in this context from sleeping around to forced sex, which quite frankly, much better fulfills the criterion for what "cheating" means in the first place.

Is there any case that it isn't wrong? Is there any case that it can be beneficial?

I suppose. If one of the partners has not been sexually satisfied and has an opportunity to seek this satisfaction, perhaps there might arise a circumstance that justifies sleeping around. I can't see revenge as a justifiable reason, however. There are better ways to get people's attention than that.

 

[Magic Man]

I suppose. If one of the partners has not been sexually satisfied and has an opportunity to seek this satisfaction, perhaps there might arise a circumstance that justifies sleeping around.

This seems to be a common answer, but wouldn't the better option be to discuss with the partner the fact that you're not sexually satisfied to the point where you feel like you need to sleep with someone else?

 

[Koldo]

If you cheat on your spouse or partner, they never find out, and you don't contract any diseases, etc, is it wrong? Why?

Is there any case that it isn't wrong? Is there any case that it can be beneficial?

In western societies, as far as i know, when you are on a relationship with someone else there are some rules that are taken for granted.

One of them is that you are not to engage in sex with another person.

Breaking this rule is regarded as cheating by default, and it is almost always wrong. I am using the word 'almost' here because there are some hyphotetical situations where cheating is actually the right thing to do.

In case you are interested, one of the scenarios is the following: You have no legal way to pay for a surgery that your spouse needs ( banks, friends and parents won't lend you the money, and so on. ), and if your spouse doesn't get this surgery he/she will die in the upcoming days. And then someone comes and offer you just enough money for you to pay for the surgery, however you have to engage in sex with him/her for once. If you don't, then your spouse will surely die.

Now, surely not everyone will understand the previously mentioned example as cheating. Some people think that the rule to don't have sex with other people does alow exceptions such as these. There is no universal truth on this regard though, and it is up to each individual to decide their opinion on such hyphotetical situations.

However, i guess i got little too far on the subject. You are probably asking about general usual cheating. In such case it is always wrong to cheat on your partner, for as long as the "contract" ( be it literally or not ) between you and your partner exists.

 

[HonestJoe]

At its core, cheating is not nearly as much of a conscious choice as many people would like to believe.

The desire isn't conscious. Following it through is. Keeping it a secret from your partner most certainly is. We all have lots of instinctive desires but that's no excuse for willingly submitting to them all.

I think that society would do well to change the word "cheating" in this context from sleeping around to forced sex, which quite frankly, much better fulfills the criterion for what "cheating" means in the first place.

Absolute rubbish! "Forced sex" has a perfectly good term of "rape", which has nothing to do with what is being discussed here. There is absolutely no reason to redefine the term "cheating" unless you're trying to distract from that it currently means in this context.

 

[Gloone]

So, what you're saying is you don't want a committed relationship. That's fine. If it's understood that you and your partner are in an open relationship where it's OK to sleep with other people, then it's not cheating. Cheating is specifically sleeping with someone other than your partner in spite of an agreement to exclusively sleep with that partner.

And if you get into a committed relationship that you no longer want to be in, cheating is not the way to go. Talking to your partner is the best way.

I can agree to that. I said something similar in some previous posts.

 

[Falvlun]

In case you are interested, one of the scenarios is the following: You have no legal way to pay for a surgery that your spouse needs ( banks, friends and parents won't lend you the money, and so on. ), and if your spouse doesn't get this surgery he/she will die in the upcoming days. And then someone comes and offer you just enough money for you to pay for the surgery, however you have to engage in sex with him/her for once. If you don't, then your spouse will surely die.

I think that's technically called prostitution, not cheating.

 

[Falvlun]

I honestly don't know. Culture suggests one answer, but biology suggests another answer. As usual, in our society, culture wins out over science, so the reasons why people sleep around are typically misunderstood. At its core, cheating is not nearly as much of a conscious choice as many people would like to believe. It is a fact that every living species' fundamental objectives are to survive and reproduce. Cheating can help both sexes achieve that goal: For women, they can find partners that might seem more likely to support them, and for men, they can literally spread their seed more.

It's not about culture winning out over biology. It's more like biology fighting biology. In a very real sense, the fact that we have culture is a result of our biology. We are organisms which survive much better when we are in groups than we do when we are solitary. And part of what comes with culture are generally agreed upon rules for social interaction.

Now, I do think the edict against having more than one sexual partner to be arbitrary (though I'm sure there are or at least were rational reasons to support it.) But the way to go about changing it isn't to be sneaking around and hurting the people you love (or who love you). It's by having open and honest conversations about it, and trying to change the way people view it.

And lastly, just because we have a natural instinct or inclination towards something does not mean that we are bound by that instinct. And just because an instinct is natural, it also doesn't mean it's for the best. I would say our instinct for war is quite strong. Does that mean we should give in to that instinct? Does that mean we are not to be held accountable for waging wars? Hardly.

 

[Vendetta]

Some obligations are just unwritten or unsaid......when I have a girlfriend I don't tell her "hey baby I promise not to screw my hot neighbor." You just maintain the idea that fidelity is appropriate because both entrust each other to maintain their feelings.

Cheating is simply a transgression of fidelity. If I hug and kiss a woman intimately and, who is not my spouse or significant other its cheating. If I sneak out to be with another woman who I am attracted to and even if there is no physical contact its cheating.

 

[Badran]

In this case? I don't think there is such a thing. I think in this case, the better option than sleeping with someone else is to first discuss things with your partner. Then you're not really breaking a promise.

Yes, my main thing here is the choice of words. But I don't think it's ever right to just sleep with someone else despite an agreement with your partner that you won't. If you want to sleep with someone else, you should tell your partner first.

This is of course the way it should be. But there is a possibility that there might be a situation where this won't work. Like in the killing case, if i were to say to someone who killed in self defense, that it would've been better for him to try to stop the other guy without killing him, i would seem correct. Since killing is evil. Except of course if it wouldn't have worked and the one who was attacked was going to end up being killed had he not killed his attacker. So knowing that this would've been the result, i would say of course that killing the attacker was not wrong in this case.

If you think about the cases, where killing someone is justified, its pretty much two cases, and for some people only one case. I don't expect a big number of cases where breaking a promise will be justified neither. What i don't understand is from what principle do the conclusion come that there isn't ever an exception, or situation where breaking a promise is not wrong. Yes its generally wrong, and so is killing. Yes cheating results in bad things, and so does killing, but not always.

 

[Koldo]

I think that's technically called prostitution, not cheating.

These terms are not mutually exclusive.

 

[Magic Man]

This is of course the way it should be. But there is a possibility that there might be a situation where this won't work. Like in the killing case, if i were to say to someone who killed in self defense, that it would've been better for him to try to stop the other guy without killing him, i would seem correct. Since killing is evil. Except of course if it wouldn't have worked and the one who was attacked was going to end up being killed had he not killed his attacker. So knowing that this would've been the result, i would say of course that killing the attacker was not wrong in this case.

This is not at all a good analogy, especially considering killing in self-defense is not murder. There is never a time when you absolutely have to sleep with someone other than your partner.

If you think about the cases, where killing someone is justified, its pretty much two cases, and for some people only one case. I don't expect a big number of cases where breaking a promise will be justified neither. What i don't understand is from what principle do the conclusion come that there isn't ever an exception, or situation where breaking a promise is not wrong. Yes its generally wrong, and so is killing. Yes cheating results in bad things, and so does killing, but not always.

You're forgetting the distinction. Cheating is like murder, while sleeping with someone else is like killing. Cheating and murder are always wrong. Sleeping with someone else can under crazy circumstances be right, just as killing can.

My point is, if you are in a committed relationship with an agreement not to sleep with other people, and you find that you aren't satisfied and/or you want to sleep with someone else, just going ahead and sleeping with that someone else is not the right answer. The right answer is to bring it up to your partner before acting. You should go through the proper channels first.

 

[Badran]

This is not at all a good analogy, especially considering killing in self-defense is not murder. There is never a time when you absolutely have to sleep with someone other than your partner.

You're forgetting the distinction. Cheating is like murder, while sleeping with someone else is like killing. Cheating and murder are always wrong. Sleeping with someone else can under crazy circumstances be right, just as killing can.

My point is, if you are in a committed relationship with an agreement not to sleep with other people, and you find that you aren't satisfied and/or you want to sleep with someone else, just going ahead and sleeping with that someone else is not the right answer. The right answer is to bring it up to your partner before acting. You should go through the proper channels first.

We started off from different grounds, and also i just realized i missed something (this issue is actually more complicated than i ever imagined). I was looking at it like this, sleeping with another is not wrong in itself (although i think it is, in most cases, but thats irrelevant to this discussion), but rather it depends on whether or not it was agreed upon. So, the cheating or not cheating was the main factor that determines whether or not its wrong. We also established that cheating will be the label for "unjustly breaking a promise".

So the question is, when (if possible) the promise was broken, but not unjustly, would it still be wrong? The answer is no of course. But there is the other factor of not telling your partner about it, which is lying. This is the part i missed, so cheating is actually more like: lying and breaking a promise unjustly.

I think we'd both agree, that in some cases, lying can be justified (i'll just assume this for now until you tell me). So the part that remains, is breaking a promise. Breaking a promise also in my view can be justified at certain cases, which is like i said when the grounds the promise has been made upon changes making a difference that was not in mind.

We have:

Cheating: Unjustly breaking a promise and lying.

(unknown label): Justly breaking a promise and lying.

You don't think the other option actually exist, what i fail to understand is why. From what you said so far i understand that you think its best to tell your partner the truth, and like i said i agree. But just because its best, doesn't necessarily mean its always available in the first place.

 

[Sunstone]

To me cheating is the equivalent of murder, and sleeping with someone other than your partner is the equivalent of killing someone.

I don't want to argue with you here, Matt. But I'm genuinely curious whether it is your considered opinion that cheating is the equivalent of murder? For instance, do you really mean you would feel the same if you picked up the newspaper one morning and read that your neighbor had cheated on his wife, as you would feel if you read that your neighbor had murdered his wife? Would you really weigh those two things the same? And do you think your neighbor's wife ought to feel no preference between whether her husband cheated on her or murdered her? I'm not trying to get into an argument here, because this is a moral question, and hence to some degree a matter of subjective preferences, but I'm curious whether it is your considered opinion that there is no difference between cheating and murder, or if that is merely your off the cuff opinion.

 

[Magic Man]

I don't want to argue with you here, Matt. But I'm genuinely curious whether it is your considered opinion that cheating is the equivalent of murder? For instance, do you really mean you would feel the same if you picked up the newspaper one morning and read that your neighbor had cheated on his wife, as you would feel if you read that your neighbor had murdered his wife? Would you really weigh those two things the same? And do you think your neighbor's wife ought to feel no preference between whether her husband cheated on her or murdered her? I'm not trying to get into an argument here, because this is a moral question, and hence to some degree a matter of subjective preferences, but I'm curious whether it is your considered opinion that there is no difference between cheating and murder, or if that is merely your off the cuff opinion.

Sorry, out of context that wording does seem weird. That comment was in the context of the difference between cheating and sleeping with someone else. It would be better phrased "cheating is to sleeping with multiple people as murder is to killing". I was just drawing the distinction because as I see it cheating is always wrong, just as murder is, but sleeping with multiple people can be acceptable just as killing can be.

 

[Magic Man]

We started off from different grounds, and also i just realized i missed something (this issue is actually more complicated than i ever imagined). I was looking at it like this, sleeping with another is not wrong in itself (although i think it is, in most cases, but thats irrelevant to this discussion), but rather it depends on whether or not it was agreed upon. So, the cheating or not cheating was the main factor that determines whether or not its wrong. We also established that cheating will be the label for "unjustly breaking a promise".

So the question is, when (if possible) the promise was broken, but not unjustly, would it still be wrong? The answer is no of course. But there is the other factor of not telling your partner about it, which is lying. This is the part i missed, so cheating is actually more like: lying and breaking a promise unjustly.

I think we'd both agree, that in some cases, lying can be justified (i'll just assume this for now until you tell me). So the part that remains, is breaking a promise. Breaking a promise also in my view can be justified at certain cases, which is like i said when the grounds the promise has been made upon changes making a difference that was not in mind.

We have:

Cheating: Unjustly breaking a promise and lying.

(unknown label): Justly breaking a promise and lying.

You don't think the other option actually exist, what i fail to understand is why. From what you said so far i understand that you think its best to tell your partner the truth, and like i said i agree. But just because its best, doesn't necessarily mean its always available in the first place.

Oh, I think there is such a thing as justly breaking a promise, but that's not quite what cheating or sleeping with someone other than your partner is exactly. An example of justly breaking a promise would be promising your friend that you won't tell anyone they have taken drugs, when that friend's drug problem starts threatening their health and/or life. Sleeping with someone other than your partner isn't breaking a promise like that.

There are not many times when talking to your partner about what's going on before sleeping with someone else is not available. I can only think of a couple extreme situations:

Your partner goes into a coma.
You're afraid of abuse by your partner if you bring it up.

In the first case, I would say there's a certain period of time you should give it, but after that, you are freed from your agreement. In the second case, an abusive partner has already freed you from the agreement by being abusive.

Maybe I'm missing one, though. Are there any other situations where talking about it before acting is not an option?

 

[Badran]

Oh, I think there is such a thing as justly breaking a promise, but that's not quite what cheating or sleeping with someone other than your partner is exactly. An example of justly breaking a promise would be promising your friend that you won't tell anyone they have taken drugs, when that friend's drug problem starts threatening their health and/or life. Sleeping with someone other than your partner isn't breaking a promise like that.

There are not many times when talking to your partner about what's going on before sleeping with someone else is not available. I can only think of a couple extreme situations:

Your partner goes into a coma.
You're afraid of abuse by your partner if you bring it up.

In the first case, I would say there's a certain period of time you should give it, but after that, you are freed from your agreement. In the second case, an abusive partner has already freed you from the agreement by being abusive.

Maybe I'm missing one, though. Are there any other situations where talking about it before acting is not an option?

I can't think of one right now to be honest, but i think i also don't need to. Because i pretty much agree with what you said. I don't expect there to be a whole lot of situations where this would be justified, indeed we're mostly talking about extreme situations.

That was basically the point i was focusing on and understood the OP to be talking about.

I think the choice of words we established pretty much was the only thing left to be clarified for these extreme situations to be recognized. As probably people here thought about cheating in the terms of unjustly breaking a promise and lying, which of course meant its always wrong, and rightly so.

 

[Magic Man]

That was basically the point i was focusing on and understood the OP to be talking about.

I think the choice of words we established pretty much was the only thing left to be clarified for these extreme situations to be recognized. As probably people here thought about cheating in the terms of unjustly breaking a promise and lying, which of course meant its always wrong, and rightly so.

As you say, the choice of words is what throws this off I think. If the question is "Is sleeping with someone other than your partner always wrong?", then the answer is "no". If the question is "Is cheating always wrong?", then I'd say the answer is "yes".

 

[blackout]

Sorry, out of context that wording does seem weird. That comment was in the context of the difference between cheating and sleeping with someone else. It would be better phrased "cheating is to sleeping with multiple people as murder is to killing". I was just drawing the distinction because as I see it cheating is always wrong, just as murder is, but sleeping with multiple people can be acceptable just as killing can be.

Killing is (almost??) always unpleasant... however,
and ... dare I say....horrible? or at least negative?
Especially if it's a person we are killing.

Are you really comparing sex with more than one partner,
to perhaps killing a horrid criminal on death row? :areyoucra

All around, that is the most bizarre analogy I maybe have ever seen.

 

[14sammie41]

The whole concept of cheating is immoral however through seeing other people's exeriences it bottle's down to two points - 1) if the other person knows and doesn't mind in that case the sexual satisfaction is normally succeeded so when they come home to their family there is less tension of not being satisfied and the time at home means more 2) If two people are unhappy with each other then to go away and spend time with someone they are happy with can make life much easier and often it will start off as cheaing then it will turn into a relationship - how many parents split up and don't have someone else in a couple of weeks who "apparently" has just been met??

 

[Kathryn]

There are PLENTY of people who have enough integrity to remain faithful in a bad relationship until they have honestly left it with everyone's dignity intact - and no one else waiting in the wings.

Personally, I think staying with one person and pretending to be faithful till you've got your next ride in place is just about the epitome of weakness...and tackiness.