Wrong to Cheat on Partner?

[Sweetvoice]

Nope, then it is just casual sex or bunch of innocent foreplay.

So we agree that casual sex and foreplay are innocent and not wrong.

 

[Gloone]

Even singles have needs and therefore could cheat. Wheather this cheating is wrong or right is the issue.

If you are married and cheat, you obviously never used your head to begin to with. If you are single, then cheating doesn't exist. It is just a mechanism for REVENGE! lol

 

[Gloone]

So we agree that casual sex and foreplay are innocent and not wrong.

Ye...
yeaahhh.....

 

[Sweetvoice]

If you are married and cheat, you obviously never used your head to begin to with. If you are single, then cheating doesn't exist. It is just a mechanism for REVENGE! lol

Wow, revenge. That sound very REVENGEFUL! lol

 

[Gloone]

Wow, revenge. That sound very REVENGEFUL! lol

Sorry. I'm immoral, can't really do much about it.

 

[Falvlun]

I would like to ask what you think this thread is about? And your views on cheating, when is it right and when is it wrong?

My views were laid out in posts 67 and 70, if you care to look.

In a nutshell, cheating is wrong as it is damaging to the relationship. But, having a physical relationship with someone who is not your partner is not inherently wrong as long as you are open about it, and it's something you and your partner have talked about/agreed to.

 

[Vendetta]

Even singles have needs and therefore could cheat. Wheather this cheating is wrong or right is the issue.

That makes no absolute sense. A single person has no obligation to someone. If they mess around with someone who is obligated to another, they are contributing to infidelity. Again, cheating is wrong period.

 

[Badran]

A most interesting point.
To cheat on ones spouse is to break a promise.
So is it ever morally correct to break a promise?

One wonders, is not an oath also a promise?
if you take an oath to uphold the law is wrong to break a law that is immoral?

I think there are situations where a broken promise is morally correct. That is if the reason the promise was made for no longer applies, and there is benefit from breaking the promise. For example if i promise my son or daughter that i will never help them in their work (because they want to do it on their own), and that i'm not going to interfere in anyway. Then, something happens to them along the lines of them being in a hospital and completely unable to do their work, like he/she are in a coma or something of the like.

Now things changed in that this was not in mind when the promise was made, as the point was that they want to do their work on their own without my help, but now they're not doing their work at all due to an exceptional reason which happens to be completely out of their hands. If i help now that doesn't violate the point the promise was made for, because i'm not helping them due to their inability or weakness in doing their job (in which case they would not want me to help, because they'd rather live with their mistakes and learn from it), but because something happened that makes them completely unable to do their jobs, out of no mistake of their own.

 

[blackout]

That makes no absolute sense. A single person has no obligation to someone. If they mess around with someone who is obligated to another, they are contributing to infidelity. Again, cheating is wrong period.

By 'Single' do you mean not married?
or
not in any kind of a committed relationship whatsoever.

Is the difference between a (legally) married couple
and a non-married committed couple, obligation?

Actually yes. The differences are in the legalities.

Non married people can also be legally bound
by other legalities,
a shared mortgage,
a shared business.

I would rather be bound to someone solely by love.
Legal autonomy keeps you unto yourSelf, legally.
Matters of relationship and heart,
relational partnership agreements made in love
are bound in heart,
not on paper.

 

[Kilgore Trout]

As a corollary, if you are with someone, either married or otherwise, and you fall in love with someone else, are you cheating on the person you're in love with if you sleep with your spouse/partner?

 

[Vendetta]

By 'Single' do you mean not married?
or
not in any kind of a committed relationship whatsoever.

Is the difference between a (legally) married couple
and a non-married committed couple, obligation?

Actually yes. The differences are in the legalities.

Non married people can also be legally bound
by other legalities,
a shared mortgage,
a shared business.

I would rather be bound to someone solely by love.
Legal autonomy keeps you unto yourSelf, legally.
Matters of relationship and heart,
relational partnership agreements made in love
are bound in heart,
not on paper.

Ok......

People have a tendency to think that NOT being married means you have no real obligation. If I have a girlfriend I made a commitment and to think simply because there is nothing legally binding does not mean it is NOT immoral to break that commitment. Married or not, if I make a commitment to someone and they entrust me with their feelings, I am therefore obligated to maintain that trust.

Guys on the street all the time seem to endorse other non-married men to cheat because they're not married. That is the dumbest logic. Do people honestly think that this kind of behavior stops if a man has a ring? For some, yeah, sure I will say yes. But more often than not if a man has a false notion that "what they don't know wont hurt" they will continue such a behavior even in marriage.

 

[blackout]

As a corollary, if you are with someone, either married or otherwise, and you fall in love with someone else, are you cheating on the person you're in love with if you sleep with your spouse/partner?

"Cheating" implies there are "Rules of Play".

 

[Kathryn]

I think there are situations where a broken promise is morally correct. That is if the reason the promise was made for no longer applies, and there is benefit from breaking the promise. For example if i promise my son or daughter that i will never help them in their work (because they want to do it on their own), and that i'm not going to interfere in anyway. Then, something happens to them along the lines of them being in a hospital and completely unable to do their work, like he/she are in a coma or something of the like.

Now things changed in that this was not in mind when the promise was made, as the point was that they want to do their work on their own without my help, but now they're not doing their work at all due to an exceptional reason which happens to be completely out of their hands. If i help now that doesn't violate the point the promise was made for, because i'm not helping them due to their inability or weakness in doing their job (in which case they would not want me to help, because they'd rather live with their mistakes and learn from it), but because something happened that makes them completely unable to do their jobs, out of no mistake of their own.

You simply made the wrong promise. You should have promised them that you would always do all you can to help them be independent and strong, not that you would never help them with their work.

I guess I could promise my husband that I would always wear a pink tutu to work, too, and then breaking that ridiculous promise wouldn't be wrong either. The promise itself is what was wrong.

A promise to be sexually faithful is much more serious, however. It involves the safety and wellbeing of another person. When two people take on the intimacy and vulnerability of fidelity, that's a huge commitment. So - it's not something to be taken on lightly - nor is it something to throw away lightly.

Honor matters, even in the small things, but especially in matters of trust and faithfulness.

You can honorably leave someone, even honorably divorce someone - with your integrity intact. I believe that if you feel you made the wrong promise, or even the right promise to the wrong person, the only honorable thing to do is be honest with them. This is not only your life, or your independent decision. Put all the options on the table with this person whose life is intimately entertwined with yours, and make an honest, open decision. Surely you owe them at least this much regard.

It's not "cheating" or infidelity if the terms of your relationship allow other partners.

 

[Badran]

You simply made the wrong promise. You should have promised them that you would always do all you can to help them be independent and strong, not that you would never help them with their work.

I guess I could promise my husband that I would always wear a pink tutu to work, too, and then breaking that ridiculous promise wouldn't be wrong either. The promise itself is what was wrong.

Good point, i think i can find a better example.

A promise to be sexually faithful is much more serious, however. It involves the safety and wellbeing of another person. When two people take on the intimacy and vulnerability of fidelity, that's a huge commitment. So - it's not something to be taken on lightly - nor is it something to throw away lightly.

Of course, we're only talking about the situations where its assured there's no risk of hurt or damage however. Although they're extremely unlikely, but they are the point here. We're trying to address those.

Honor matters, even in the small things, but especially in matters of trust and faithfulness.

You can honorably leave someone, even honorably divorce someone - with your integrity intact. I believe that if you feel you made the wrong promise, or even the right promise to the wrong person, the only honorable thing to do is be honest with them. This is not only your life, or your independent decision. Put all the options on the table with this person whose life is intimately entertwined with yours, and make an honest, open decision. Surely you owe them at least this much regard.

It's not "cheating" or infidelity if the terms of your relationship allow other partners.

I completely agree. This is the perfect way to handle things as far as i'm concerned. But i can't presume there would never be a situation where this won't work.

 

[Magic Man]

I've seen a few instances in which cheating seems to have been the right -- or at least the best -- course of action given the circumstances. But the one that most comes to mind involved a friend of mine.

His wife cheated on him. He told me that when he found out, he at first felt relieved -- because the two of them were sorely mismatched but emotionally clinging and he was unable to end their loveless marriage from a misplaced sense of duty. After three days of feeling relief, he started to second guess his feelings, and by dwelling on the negatives, he managed to plunge himself into a depression. The depression lasted six months.

It ended one morning when he woke up spontaneously happy. He realized that he was free of a horrible marriage -- but one he never would have willingly left because of his sense of duty. This time around, he was not foolish enough to second guess his feelings, and he says he's felt grateful to his ex-wife ever since that morning.

But cheating wasn't necessary there. If they had just talked about it, they would have realized a divorce was the best thing. Sure, her sleeping with someone else had a positive effect overall, but I wouldn't necessarily call that cheating. They obviously didn't have the same contract anymore.

There seem to be legitimate exceptions to the prohibition against killing your fellow humans. How much more so are there likely to be legitimate exceptions to the prohibition against cheating on your partner.

But are there legitimate exceptions to the prohibition against murdering someone? To me cheating is the equivalent of murder, and sleeping with someone other than your partner is the equivalent of killing someone. There are legitimate reasons and times when it's right or acceptable to sleep with someone other than your partner, but it is never right to cheat on someone. In the same way, it can be acceptable or the right thing to do to kill another human, but it's never right to murder someone.

 

[Magic Man]

Wow! I must live in a parallel universe. Where dating is choice to choose your partners freely and not an obligation. I would hate to think I would need to make any commitments to someone after knowing them for only a few days or a couple of weeks. Then you are stuck with someone you may not be happy with. Forget that! That is just a life filled with pain and misery. A commitment worth breaking. Boring! Would rather be single. What is that saying again? "Single and ready to mingle." A life filled with the endless freedoms without anything holding you back.

So, what you're saying is you don't want a committed relationship. That's fine. If it's understood that you and your partner are in an open relationship where it's OK to sleep with other people, then it's not cheating. Cheating is specifically sleeping with someone other than your partner in spite of an agreement to exclusively sleep with that partner.

And if you get into a committed relationship that you no longer want to be in, cheating is not the way to go. Talking to your partner is the best way.

 

[Magic Man]

As a corollary, if you are with someone, either married or otherwise, and you fall in love with someone else, are you cheating on the person you're in love with if you sleep with your spouse/partner?

No, not unless you've promised your lover that you won't sleep with your wife/husband. If you did, then you're cheating twice if you're sleeping with both of them.

 

[Badran]

it can be acceptable or the right thing to do to kill another human, but it's never right to murder someone.

If cheating means: unjustly breaking a promise

Then i agree.

What do we call justly breaking a promise though?

In case i'm not clear, the issue here is the choice of words. What is meant here that sometimes breaking a promise might be justified. If that instance is not called cheating no problem, but i don't know whats the name for it.

 

[blackout]

No, not unless you've promised your lover that you won't sleep with your wife/husband. If you did, then you're cheating twice if you're sleeping with both of them.

Promises, promises....

 

[Magic Man]

If cheating means: unjustly breaking a promise

Then i agree.

Pretty much. Just like "murder" implies killing wrongly, cheating implies an action that is wrong.

What do we call justly breaking a promise though?

In this case? I don't think there is such a thing. I think in this case, the better option than sleeping with someone else is to first discuss things with your partner. Then you're not really breaking a promise.

In case i'm not clear, the issue here is the choice of words. What is meant here that sometimes breaking a promise might be justified. If that instance is not called cheating no problem, but i don't know whats the name for it.

Yes, my main thing here is the choice of words. But I don't think it's ever right to just sleep with someone else despite an agreement with your partner that you won't. If you want to sleep with someone else, you should tell your partner first.