Wrong to Cheat on Partner?

[Sunstone]

As for your friend, you are saying that he second guessed his feelings, and "managed to plunge himself into a depression." Having been there - bad marriage, then a cheating spouse whose actions finally pushed me to divorce him, I can assure you that in spite of the GREAT relief one can feel from finally leaving a bad marriage, the fact that your spouse committed adultery is still incredibly painful. I would say that his depression was a perfectly normal response to a very sad situation. He didn't do it to himself - his cheating wife is who is responsible for his grief.

I think you're second guessing his feelings, Kathryn. You're assuming he's like you.

 

[Sunstone]

But cheating it is still wrong.

A good friend of mine, Luis, used to say she didn't try to do what's right or wrong. Instead she tried to do what's best.

 

[blackout]

I've been hoping for years
my ... husband....
would just go and get his sex elsewhere.

I've suggested it, encouraged it...
but it's got that stigma he thinks he's too good for.
So either he goes without,
(as he claims with such moral airs)
or he gets it on the fly.
How would I really know.

I personally don't care one way or the other,
'cept that he'd be less ... stressed... maybe...
if he did.
Which would be better for everyone.

But obviously, ours has not been a typical marriage.
If there is such a thing.

 

[*Anne*]

Maybe it's you he wants, UV.

 

[blackout]

Maybe it's you he wants, UV.

yeh. he wants me alright.
He wants me to work two jobs,
take care of the kids,
get them to school, help them with everything,
do all the shopping, cook meals every day,
be in charge of bill paying,
have no life of my own,
no friends, no love,
put up with his hoarded garbage.
The garbage that fills a three car garage
to where you can't close it,
then spills even out onto the yard,
and worse,
the foul mockery,
the verbal rape of my very Self esteme,
the active assault on WHO I AM,
that has been spilling forth
from out of his mouth for years.
A mouth full of sharp rusty treasures
that he also just can't seem to shut
and lock down.

Oh yes, and then he want's me to love him,
on top of all of this.

(which is just another insult to my sense of Self respect)

I stopped kissing him years ago,
because to me his mouth had become so disgusting.
Why would I ever want to kiss the very vessel
that taunts, insults and harasses me?
Whenever he pushed me to kiss him
I found it revolting.
It was worse than downing medicine.
Finally I just said i couldn't do it anymore.

I wish, almost more than anything else,
that he wanted somebody else.
Really wanted them.
So he would just finally leave me alone.
For good.

 

[no-body]

I can only answer for myself, I am not in the position to judge anyone elses actions. If I was contemplating cheating in the first place I have failed in my relationship and would much rather grow a pair and just sort things out or end it than go into this passive aggressive negativity which hurts everyone. Same goes for my spouse, just tell me to my face and then end it going behind my back is more disrespectful than the cheating. Especially if I ever have children I would end it as fast as possible (I know no one mentioned it but that cop out always greats on my nerves, they know, even if they don't)

But again I believe the sexual mores of our society and as individuals is so complex that it goes beyond "wrong" or "right" I can only define them for myself so even though I have a conservative view point personally, objectively I am a bleeding heart.

 

[Falvlun]

I don't think having sex outside of your partnership is wrong. In fact, I believe it would probably be beneficial in the majority of cases.

But a partnership is based upon trust, communication, and agreed-upon ground rules. Cheating-- not the sex itself-- breaks all of those. You are weakening the foundation of the relationship. And it might not bring the whole house down, but is it worth it to take the risk?

 

[England my lionheart]

If you cheat on your spouse or partner, they never find out, and you don't contract any diseases, etc, is it wrong? Why?

IMO the only person that can decide whether its right or wrong is the person who cheats,if they do not feel any guilt and their partner is oblivious to it how can it be deemed as wrong,each individual due to the cirumstance of their life will make their own or someone elses judgement

Is there any case that it isn't wrong?

I would say a confident yes,there are many circumstances where it isn't wrong which is down to consent with the reserve of not wanting to know the details.

Is there any case that it can be beneficial?

I think so,a worthless Man in a worthless job in mid life crisis is drowning his sorrows in a Bar when a beautiful Woman who's been drinking and has left her contact lenses at home approaches him,some small talk and a few drinks later they go to a Hotel and shag all night,in the morning the Man feels like the Dogs Bollocks and instead of lying in a Sea of pity he becomes invigorated with self worth and becomes an Airline Exec and buys his Wife the Car of her dreams and a nail Bar.

 

[McBell]

That is the case in that example indeed. What is hard to find however, is what exactly that sound is in this scenario. Why is a broken promise in itself regardless of damage wrong?

There are scenarios and not really that extreme where breaking a promise would not only be okay, but the best thing to do. If the grounds the promise was made upon completely changed, and now to keep that promise the other person would be hurt.

A most interesting point.
To cheat on ones spouse is to break a promise.
So is it ever morally correct to break a promise?

One wonders, is not an oath also a promise?
if you take an oath to uphold the law is wrong to break a law that is immoral?

 

[Falvlun]

A most interesting point.
To cheat on ones spouse is to break a promise.
So is it ever morally correct to break a promise?

One wonders, is not an oath also a promise?
if you take an oath to uphold the law is wrong to break a law that is immoral?

I don't think it's just about breaking a promise. A promise is a surface expression, an administrative sort of binding. Cheating is a more foundational issue.

Why do you accept the promise of someone? Because you trust them. Your trustworthiness, then, is what you are chipping away at when you cheat, a much more basic, necessary component to the success of any partnership.

In addition, cheating points to a breakdown in communication. You are needing something, but not relating that need to your partner. You are hiding what you are doing, rather than communicatinng your reasons for doing so, and hearing what your partner has to say about it. Inabililty to communicate cripples relationships.

 

[Judge Roy Bean]

If you cheat on your spouse or partner, they never find out, and you don't contract any diseases, etc, is it wrong? Why?

Is there any case that it isn't wrong? Is there any case that it can be beneficial?

is it right to cheat on your spouse? No

is there any case where its right? No

there is never a good benefit in cheating

dont forget about murphy's law and the law of unintended consequences, go figure

 

[Sunstone]

is it right to cheat on your spouse, No

is there any case where its right, No

there is never a good benefit in cheating

I'm glad we got that settled. I can go back to drinking heavily now.

 

[Magic Man]

If you cheat on your spouse or partner, they never find out, and you don't contract any diseases, etc, is it wrong? Why?

Yes, it's wrong. You're breaking a contract. The idea of calling it "cheating" implies that it's wrong. If you had an open relationship, then it wouldn't be cheating, and it wouldn't be wrong.

Is there any case that it isn't wrong? Is there any case that it can be beneficial?

Cheating is always wrong. It might be beneficial for you, but not for your partner. As I mentioned above, the term "cheating" implies that you and someone else have a contract that assumes you won't have sex with anyone else, and you're breaking that contract.

It's not wrong to sleep with another person if your primary partner gives voluntary consent, though.

 

[Gloone]

Wow! I must live in a parallel universe. Where dating is choice to choose your partners freely and not an obligation. I would hate to think I would need to make any commitments to someone after knowing them for only a few days or a couple of weeks. Then you are stuck with someone you may not be happy with. Forget that! That is just a life filled with pain and misery. A commitment worth breaking. Boring! Would rather be single. What is that saying again? "Single and ready to mingle." A life filled with the endless freedoms without anything holding you back.

 

[McBell]

Wow! I must live in a parallel universe. Where dating is choice to choose your partners freely and not an obligation. I would hate to think I would need to make any commitments to someone after knowing them for only a few days or a couple of weeks. Then you are stuck with someone you may not be happy with. Forget that! That is just a life filled with pain and misery. A commitment worth breaking. Boring! Would rather be single. What is that saying again? "Single and ready to mingle." A life filled with the endless freedoms without anything holding you back.

Stuck?
Interesting parallel universe you live in.

 

[Kathryn]

I think you're second guessing his feelings, Kathryn. You're assuming he's like you.

)

I think it's normal enough (and predictable enough) to feel depressed about the end of a marriage, the huge dissappointment, the loss of a partner and that trust that has been lost forever. That doesn't mean that you can't also feel relief and even happiness on a different level - but I think it's safe to say that the vast majority of people who go through the experience of a cheating spouse and the dismantling of their life that divorce entails experience some pretty deep sadness and even depression.

That doesn't mean that they're "like me," unless of course, you mean that we share human DNA. I'm assuming this guy was human.

 

[Falvlun]

Wow! I must live in a parallel universe. Where dating is choice to choose your partners freely and not an obligation. I would hate to think I would need to make any commitments to someone after knowing them for only a few days or a couple of weeks. Then you are stuck with someone you may not be happy with. Forget that! That is just a life filled with pain and misery. A commitment worth breaking. Boring! Would rather be single. What is that saying again? "Single and ready to mingle." A life filled with the endless freedoms without anything holding you back.

That sounds like a pretty crappy universe. Not the one I live in though. Here, you can take as long as you need to determine whether someone is the right person to commit to. And even once you do commit, if you picked someone with a similar viewpoint, you may not even be constrained from having physical relationships with other people.

 

[Sunstone]

)

I think it's normal enough (and predictable enough) to feel depressed about the end of a marriage, the huge dissappointment, the loss of a partner and that trust that has been lost forever. That doesn't mean that you can't also feel relief and even happiness on a different level - but I think it's safe to say that the vast majority of people who go through the experience of a cheating spouse and the dismantling of their life that divorce entails experience some pretty deep sadness and even depression.

That doesn't mean that they're "like me," unless of course, you mean that we share human DNA. I'm assuming this guy was human.

Maybe I'm mistaken, Kathryn, but it sounds to me like you know this guy better than he knows himself.

 

[Gloone]

That sounds like a pretty crappy universe. Not the one I live in though. Here, you can take as long as you need to determine whether someone is the right person to commit to. And even once you do commit, if you picked someone with a similar viewpoint, you may not even be constrained from having physical relationships with other people.

Well I agree to a certain extent, but time is precious and I don't think it should be wasted trying to make a relationship work, especially if it isn't going to. That is just nonsense.

 

[Kathryn]

Maybe I'm mistaken, Kathryn, but it sounds to me like you know this guy better than he knows himself.

Yes, you're right - you're mistaken. I'm talking about typical, generally expected, normal responses to adultery, deceit, dissappointment, frustration, and divorce. I don't know the guy, and I'm not offering him any advice.

The guy went into a six month depression after the divorce (also a pretty typical emotional reaction). So I don't think my theory that perhaps this has something to do with sorrow, dissappointment, anxiety, anger, and grief is a far fetched idea.


It's just that - a theory. But it's a pretty good theory.