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Clean Jokes.
- Thread starter DawudTalut
- Start date
Maldini
Active Member
Not sure if it's clean:
A 95 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
A 95 year old man was having his annual checkup and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"
The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day went out in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle."
"And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried.
Dumbfounded, the old man replied "No."
The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!"
"That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."
"That's kind of what I'm getting at..." replied the doctor.
King Saul and David walk into an ancient restaurant. The restaurant has a Noah's Ark theme with animals artistically arranged in mosaics on the walls. The host is wearing a resplendent turban. The food workers are well dressed, smiling and sharp. There is an ancient ceiling fan powered by well fed donkey on the roof, and caged lizards keep the air free of insects. Despite the high priced food Saul and David are impressed but next them sits Goliath chewing and talking loudly with food in his mouth. He stinks and yells insults at everyone around him. David grabs his slingshot, his five smooth stones and he jumps up looking like he's going to kill Goliath right then and there and shouts "Die you Philistine!", but Saul tells him to sit down. "This isn't the time or the place. He doesn't have his spear. You don't have any armour. Lets just have a nice meal." So they finish and leave, with David seething and loathing the whole time. After they walk out the door Saul tells David "I just saved your life." to which David replies "No, I just saved us both from paying a gratuity."
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DawudTalut
Peace be upon you.
Peace be on all.
Shopkeeper: If you keep in mind two precautions, this umbrella will be good for you for several years.
Customer: what are those precautions?
Shopkeeper: Please save the umbrella from sun and rain.
Shopkeeper: If you keep in mind two precautions, this umbrella will be good for you for several years.
Customer: what are those precautions?
Shopkeeper: Please save the umbrella from sun and rain.
DawudTalut
Peace be upon you.
Peace be on all.
Child 1: Do you know my father is afraid of crossing the street?
Child 2: How do you know?
Child 1: Before crossing a street, he tightly holds may hand until we are on the other side.
Child 1: Do you know my father is afraid of crossing the street?
Child 2: How do you know?
Child 1: Before crossing a street, he tightly holds may hand until we are on the other side.
Majikthise
nude
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
Dung.
DawudTalut
Peace be upon you.
Peace be on all.
DawudTalut
Peace be upon you.
Peace be on all.
A person went to see a famous lawyer: How much is your fee?
Lawyer: 3000 $ for 3 questions.
Person: Is not it too much?
Lawyer: Yes, it is somewhat high.............so what is your 3 rd question please?
A to B: I heard you have found a good job in the field of preservation of antiques?
B: Yes.
A: What is that job exactly?
B: Job in beauty parlour.
A frog to fortune teller: What is my future?
Fortune teller: You will find a seeker who will take your heart away.
Frog (happily): Where will it happen?
Fortune teller: In Biology lab!
Following is not a Joke but is a lesson
The son admitted his mother in an Old-Home. He would visit her once a year. One day office of Old-Home called him that she was extremely sick. Son went to see her:
Mother: There are no fans in here, it is hot, please install some fans here.
Son: You have lived so many year here, why are you asking this now?
Mother: I have spent my time here as I could. But I am worried for you; when your children will bring you here, you should not be uncomfortable due to heat.
A person went to see a famous lawyer: How much is your fee?
Lawyer: 3000 $ for 3 questions.
Person: Is not it too much?
Lawyer: Yes, it is somewhat high.............so what is your 3 rd question please?
A to B: I heard you have found a good job in the field of preservation of antiques?
B: Yes.
A: What is that job exactly?
B: Job in beauty parlour.
A frog to fortune teller: What is my future?
Fortune teller: You will find a seeker who will take your heart away.
Frog (happily): Where will it happen?
Fortune teller: In Biology lab!
Following is not a Joke but is a lesson
The son admitted his mother in an Old-Home. He would visit her once a year. One day office of Old-Home called him that she was extremely sick. Son went to see her:
Mother: There are no fans in here, it is hot, please install some fans here.
Son: You have lived so many year here, why are you asking this now?
Mother: I have spent my time here as I could. But I am worried for you; when your children will bring you here, you should not be uncomfortable due to heat.
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DawudTalut
Peace be upon you.
Peace be on all.
A: What is place, where, there are many people, yet one feels alone.
B: Examination hall.
Doctor: Your fatness has only one solution, just eat one slice of bread daily.
Fat person: Is it before or after the regular meal?
A: Last year, you was talking about making a Cement-factory? Now, how is production and sale?
B: Still cement is not available to construct the factory!
Mother: ! Remember we have come in this world to do good for others.
Child: What other people have come to do?
Father: Why you have gotten Zero in maths test?
Child: Oh no. It is not a rounded Zero, it is a moon. Teacher got tired of making stars for other children.
Child to Wrestler: How many people you can rise, at a time?
Wrestler: 5
Child: Our rooster can do better. It can rise all neighborhood in the morning.
A: What is place, where, there are many people, yet one feels alone.
B: Examination hall.
Doctor: Your fatness has only one solution, just eat one slice of bread daily.
Fat person: Is it before or after the regular meal?
A: Last year, you was talking about making a Cement-factory? Now, how is production and sale?
B: Still cement is not available to construct the factory!
Mother: ! Remember we have come in this world to do good for others.
Child: What other people have come to do?
Father: Why you have gotten Zero in maths test?
Child: Oh no. It is not a rounded Zero, it is a moon. Teacher got tired of making stars for other children.
Child to Wrestler: How many people you can rise, at a time?
Wrestler: 5
Child: Our rooster can do better. It can rise all neighborhood in the morning.
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DawudTalut
Peace be upon you.
Peace be on all.
Passerby (in bazaar) : Are you still searching for your lost currency note?
A: No. My younger brother has already found it.
Passerby: Then what are you looking for now?
A: My younger brother.
A lady-beautician saw the husband of her client in the bus.
Lady-beautician: I advised your wife to put face-mask of a special soil. Does skin of her face improved. Does she look better now?
Client's husband: As long as special-soil-mask remains on her face, she looks good.
A person was unable to sleep for many days. Prescription was not working. Eventually family called someone who claimed he knew way to induce sleep. He came near the sleepless and began: You are about to sleep. You are feeling sleepy. Your eyes are closing ---------- Now you are sleeping. Have deep sleep.
Family saw, eyes of sleepless were actually closed. They gave fee to the man and he left home. As soon as door closed, sleepless opened his eyes and asked: Has that crazy person gone?
Health-Care-Poem
Do not waste love by faking it ------ Use the herbal-syrup after shaking it.
His heart broke, when he lost his ally ------ Morning, noon, night, one spoon, with no cry.
Come back for healthy love, to get strengthen ----- Keep away, from children, all medicine.
If feeling unwell, take the herbs in regular fashion ----- The bottle says, it is the best prescription.
His heart will feel love everyday ----- Remember Clinic will remain closed every other day.
Child Labour
The mayor spoke so well against child labour today that many audience felt tears in their eyes. He left the podium with applause. After his speech, many other speakers spoke well too. All gave great suggestions against child labour. After the speeches, there was coffee party for guests. He pressed a ringer-botton, a 9 year old skinny boy came in, he asked for a tissue paper (while tissue paper box was placed just inches away). Guests were surprised to see the scene, they left the meeting with heavy steps and many thoughts.
All in those 10 minutes
Put 2 cup water in pan.
Place a pre-washed egg and a pre-washed potato in it.
Boil for 10 minutes or so. (till full boil)
Take both out and put them in cold water for peeling and eating.
Make coffee or tea with already boiled and energized water.
A person with large expensive car was going, he passed by a small old car and a smile spread across his lips. After a while when he saw in back mirror, he saw small car was just behind. He smiled again and pressed the accelerator, the saw the mirror small car was still very close........ Furious, he stopped the car and came out and went at back.
Now he smiled at himself. When he was over taking the small car, the side of rear bumper of his car was stuck in the side of front bumper of small car and small car had stuck with large car.
Passerby (in bazaar) : Are you still searching for your lost currency note?
A: No. My younger brother has already found it.
Passerby: Then what are you looking for now?
A: My younger brother.
A lady-beautician saw the husband of her client in the bus.
Lady-beautician: I advised your wife to put face-mask of a special soil. Does skin of her face improved. Does she look better now?
Client's husband: As long as special-soil-mask remains on her face, she looks good.
A person was unable to sleep for many days. Prescription was not working. Eventually family called someone who claimed he knew way to induce sleep. He came near the sleepless and began: You are about to sleep. You are feeling sleepy. Your eyes are closing ---------- Now you are sleeping. Have deep sleep.
Family saw, eyes of sleepless were actually closed. They gave fee to the man and he left home. As soon as door closed, sleepless opened his eyes and asked: Has that crazy person gone?
Health-Care-Poem
Do not waste love by faking it ------ Use the herbal-syrup after shaking it.
His heart broke, when he lost his ally ------ Morning, noon, night, one spoon, with no cry.
Come back for healthy love, to get strengthen ----- Keep away, from children, all medicine.
If feeling unwell, take the herbs in regular fashion ----- The bottle says, it is the best prescription.
His heart will feel love everyday ----- Remember Clinic will remain closed every other day.
Child Labour
The mayor spoke so well against child labour today that many audience felt tears in their eyes. He left the podium with applause. After his speech, many other speakers spoke well too. All gave great suggestions against child labour. After the speeches, there was coffee party for guests. He pressed a ringer-botton, a 9 year old skinny boy came in, he asked for a tissue paper (while tissue paper box was placed just inches away). Guests were surprised to see the scene, they left the meeting with heavy steps and many thoughts.
All in those 10 minutes
Put 2 cup water in pan.
Place a pre-washed egg and a pre-washed potato in it.
Boil for 10 minutes or so. (till full boil)
Take both out and put them in cold water for peeling and eating.
Make coffee or tea with already boiled and energized water.
A person with large expensive car was going, he passed by a small old car and a smile spread across his lips. After a while when he saw in back mirror, he saw small car was just behind. He smiled again and pressed the accelerator, the saw the mirror small car was still very close........ Furious, he stopped the car and came out and went at back.
Now he smiled at himself. When he was over taking the small car, the side of rear bumper of his car was stuck in the side of front bumper of small car and small car had stuck with large car.
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--gotten from jokes4us.com Duck Jokes - Animal Jokes
DawudTalut
Peace be upon you.
Peace be on all.
Prof: This is first time you are talking with looking straight. Previously you kept eyes always down.
Student: Today my SMS package (mobile phone's) is finished.
A: I can remain under water for 2 hours.
B: I for ever.
A:?
B: I do not how to swim!
To avoid rain, two children went inside a painting gallery. There were modern abstract art. One said to other (not understanding what these were), let's go, they may blame us for spoiling the painting.
Prof: This is first time you are talking with looking straight. Previously you kept eyes always down.
Student: Today my SMS package (mobile phone's) is finished.
A: I can remain under water for 2 hours.
B: I for ever.
A:?
B: I do not how to swim!
To avoid rain, two children went inside a painting gallery. There were modern abstract art. One said to other (not understanding what these were), let's go, they may blame us for spoiling the painting.
Gnostic Seeker
Spiritual
A pastor's kid saw his dad praying one day, so he asked what he was praying for. Pastor says: for God to give me a good sermon.
Kid replies: so why doesn't he?
Kid replies: so why doesn't he?