Clean Jokes.

[DawudTalut]

A: Please give me clean knife to cut some vegetables.
B: Here is one, fully cleaned, I just cut a piece of soap with it.



Psychologist: Congratulation! You are fully cured. Now you are fine.

Patient: What is benefit of cure? I used be a 'king'. Now I am ordinary person.

 

[DawudTalut]

Manager to typist: You have done so many typing errors. It is true, I told you that report was confidential. But not so much confidential that you typed it with closed eyes.

 

[DawudTalut]

When all the attempts to bring him to senses from unconsciousness failed, the following questions were murmured in his ears, he stood up:

Do you agree that politicians have separate morality than common people?

Can you tell DFT-D3 can be used in PCM calculations with Gaussian 9?

How to convert SCCM to CC/Min?

Can you explain the Area used under Drag Coefficient?

 

[DawudTalut]

 

[DawudTalut]

Child 1: Tell me anything you remember ever doing good to someone?

Chid 2: Yes, once I saw an old man running to catch the bus but he could not run fast, I asked my dog to chase him, the man ran so fast that he outran the bus way behind him.

----

A woman came to jewelry shop:

Woman: What is the price of this ring?
Jeweler: 10,000 [some currency].

Woman takes a sigh and turns to something else.
Woman: How much is this?

Jeweler: 3 sighs.

----

A: Use ice in a sentence.

B: I do not know, we use ice in drinks.

--

Doctor: Why are you so worried, what is your ailment?

Person: I do not feel quite hungry after meal.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Johnson was so quite then laughed suddenly without a reason (you know, like I do sometimes).

Jacob: hey are crazy? why do you laugh out of the blue?

Johnson: I was remembering some jokes and I remembered one I never heard before!

 

[Debater Slayer]

A poor person decided to go to a wise man and ask him about his future. The poor person asked, "What is my future going to be like? Is anything going to change"

The wise man answered, "You will be poor for 50 more years."

The poor person smiled widely and then said, "And then after those 50 years?"

The wise man paused for a moment and then replied, "Then you will just get used to it, of course."

 

[Smart_Guy]

A wife to her blind husband: If you see how super beautiful I am, you will be amazed!

The blind husband: if you are as beautiful as you say, those who can see wouldn't have left you for me!

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
Child A: I shall buy a car with brown roof.
B and C: Why?
A: Because my father's hair are brown.


Child B: I shall buy a car with black roof.
A and C: Why?
B: Because may father's hair are black.


Child C: Then, I shall buy car a roof-less car because my father is bald.

===

A while ago, he was busy at facebook.
Now he is sleeping with face on book.

===

Child A: What does your father do?
B: Whatever mama says.

===

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
A child entered a clinic, and said to doctor:
Yesterday you gave some tablets to my grandfather, please give 20 more of them.

Doctor: So your grandfather is cured by those tablets!
Child: I do not know.. those tablets well fitted in my toy-pistol, so I need more.

==

Phone bell was continuously ringing.
Little girl picked it up, someone asked if he could talk to her father, she said, he was not at home.
The person: Can I talk to someone else in home?
Girl: Yes, my sister is here.
Person: Ok, please give her the phone.
Girl: I cannot bring her to phone.She is too heavy, she is in cradle.

==

 

[DawudTalut]

A: What do you do?
B: I was a brand ambassador in a news network but I left the job.
A: why?
B: Who like to go out in cold mornings on bicycle to throw newspaper in people's houses?

===

Some words by certain professionals:
Pilot: Hello Mr. Do not fly too high! talk normal.

Professor; Do not teach me, it is house, not college.

Dentist: I am going to have fix blue tooth fixed.

Doctor: Tell me, How do you feel now?

Business person: Please mind your own business.

Politician: Stay away (after getting vote) from me or I shall make you a picture of misery and poverty.

 

[Smart_Guy]

Patient with a broken arm: Doctor, what's wrong with you, come here an check me up!

Doctor (struggling to get closer from like 4 meters away): I... can't.... even come closer to you. Wait, did you eat an apple this morning?

Patient: Yes. Why?

.
.
.

Me: Got it? An apple a day keeps the doctor away?

 

[DawudTalut]

A: What are secrets of your success?
B: There are two....Always fulfill promise, rain or sunshine, always.
A: What is second?
B: Never make promise.

===

Some habits of some people:
- reusing gift papers.
- 1/2 hour re-meeting at gater before final goodbye.
- pouring cooking oil with estimate while cooking food.
- using medicine without prescription.
- keep large sheets on sofa seats and every thing to save from dust.
- always asking for dust-cloth to clean things.

-

 

[FearGod]

Q: What is so ironic about Atheists?
A: They’re always talking about God.

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
Poet: I wrote some poems but am unable to find papers now.

His wife: I think, children have thrown them in fireplace.

Poet: Not possible, they are too young to read and judge.

===

Rich Industrialist (R.I.) : Son! gift two warm coats and pants to each labourer from me.

His son: Yes father, already done.

R.I: Good, give life time salary for the worker who was injured last saturday.

Son: Yes father....You are so good, why not just add more to their basic salaries.

R.I: Then who will highlight us in media as great charity givers?

(disclaimer: not everyone is like this)

 

[DawudTalut]

What is it?

This is a chair.
What are its benefits?
It has many benefits. By sitting at it, one can serve people well which cannot be done otherwise at all. That is why people fight for it and fight with it. Apparently it is made of wood but strong men too bow to it even if no one is sitting on it.


URGENT NEED
- of opticians, which could change outlook of people.
- of artists, who could bring smile on every face.
- of construction engineers, who could make bridges among countries.
- of gardeners who could grow good thoughts.
- of calculators who could only do multiplications of happiness.


Never Negate a Customer
Owner of departmental store to employee: Why were you arguing with the customer? Always first say, 'you are right' then try to say your point.
Employee: But Sir.....
Owner: No but..........customer is always right.......... By the way what he was saying?
Employee: Customer was saying he has never seen any person worst than owner of this store.

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
Three people were boasting and exaggerating about things and matters in their countries; Person A and B were were from rich, C was not.

A: In my country aeroplanes fly while they touch the sky limit.
B and C : Really?
A: Well they fly one centimeter below the sky limit.

B: In my country, submarines sail while they touch sea floor.
A and C: Really?
B: Well they sail one centimeter above the sea floor.


C:
In my country, people eat with nose.
A and B: Really?
C: Well, They eat from one centimeter below.

 

[Akivah]

A man in a restaurant was asked by the manager if he enjoyed the meal. The man replied "No so good, two slices of bread aren't enough". The manager decided to make the man happy, so the next time he came, the manager gave him four slices of bread. The manager asked if the man likes his meal and the man replied "Not so good, four slices of bread aren't enough". The manager persisted the next day by giving more bread and asked the customer how it was. The man replied "Not so good, six slices of bread aren't enough". The manager was determined that he would get the man to like the food. So the next day, he got a two meter long loaf of bread, sliced it in half, and served it to the man. When the man was asked how he liked his meal, he replied "Not so good, you're back to two slices of bread".

 

[DawudTalut]

Peace be on all.
Father: Son! Have your school exams ended?
Child: Yes father, results have come too.
F: You did not tell me about!
C: Oh! I did not tell because we do not have to buy 'new books'.

 

[DawudTalut]

Mother to Child: You are at number 30 in the class of 30 students.
Child: We should be happy that there were not more that students.