There is a scripture that states, "
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart" (
Jeremiah 29:13). Well, I genuinely believed in God and sought him with all my heart for forty years, but I never found him. I did, however, find disappointment, sadness, and a constant feeling of hopelessness because I was left all alone to deal with the abuse, bullying, and harassment on my own while I was growing up. After forty years of looking for God, I finally realized that either he doesn't actually exist, or if he does, he obviously doesn't give a damn about me. I realized that if he exists, then he obviously doesn't give a damn that I suffered abuse while I was growing up or that I've dealt with PTSD because of the severe abuse, trauma, and constant bullying I suffered while growing up. I eventually learned how to deal with the PTSD on my own, and fortunately for me, my beloved husband has been supportive of me every step of the way for the past 30 and 1/2 years. It took me thirty years to realize that believing in God was an emotional crutch for me and a waste of my time. Sadly, I wasted the majority of my life believing in him, only to end up empty-handed, angry, and depressed. I finally found the courage to remove the rose-colored glasses and face my reality, which was that I had been ignorant and gullible to trust in God for so long and had mistakenly assumed he would be my heavenly father. I eventually learned how to care for myself and my family without feeling the need to rely on my faith in God.
I realized that I don't need or want God in my life and that I'm far better off emotionally without believing in and having faith in God. If God exists, then I don't believe that he is worthy of my respect and reverence, let alone my love and worship. I certainly don't believe he is merciful and just, or a heavenly father who loves us or his followers unconditionally. I've said this before, and I'd like to say it again: as a former Christian and survivor of childhood abuse, I see God as a narcissistic and abusive father who only "loves" his children when they do or say precisely what he wants. And his children hope that if they don't make him angry, he won't hurt them, but they're unsure because he has a violent temper and is known to viciously lash out when he is angry. So if they disobey him and upset him, then there will be hell for them to pay. That isn't a healthy relationship founded on unconditional love and respect, but rather on consistent fear and mistrust. It's an abusive relationship. According to the Bible, God is capable of hatred in addition to wrath and jealousy and has committed global genocide. Quite frankly, I don't believe that anyone should derive their understanding of morality, love, or justice from the Bible.
Finally, I decided to share what I wrote in another thread on a related topic.
In my case, I have reason to reject belief in the biblical God because I was a very devout Christian for 30 years and genuinely believed in God for years before that, but I never experienced anything that other Christians claimed happened to them, even though we believed in the same God. For example, they claimed to experience peace and joy in their lives because they believed in God, while I, on the other hand, felt nothing but sadness and despair during the years I was a devout Christian. To be honest, I only began to feel peace and joy in my life after I renounced my belief in God and abandoned Christianity. Have you ever heard of the expression "playing church?" That's exactly what I did. I went through the motions and pretended to experience God, as other Christians claimed they had, but I never did. I tried really hard to experience God, but I felt such hopelessness whenever I tried and failed.
It took me a long time to admit that I had been pretending to experience God's presence in my life when I never genuinely did. I understood I had to be honest with myself and quit pretending. I realized that I was wasting my life by pretending to feel the presence of God in my life when he either doesn't really exist or, if he does, obviously doesn't give a damn about me. A couple of years ago, I did a lot of soul-searching and had to ask myself why I was so committed to clinging to the false hope that I had in believing in God. I realized that believing in God was an emotional crutch for me. I also recognized that if I was ever going to recover emotionally and change my life for the better, I needed to let go of that crutch. My mental health and emotional well-being have significantly improved since I disavowed my belief in God and Christianity. In retrospect, it was one of the best decisions I've ever made for myself. While I don't regret my decision, I wish that I had made it years earlier so that I could have avoided decades of depression and emotional turmoil.