Ignoring your birthday with you...
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Frank's journal of whatever
- Thread starter Saint Frankenstein
- Start date
I'm trying not to think about it. I have to go to the plasma place again. The pharmacy will probably be closed by the time I time I get out of there, so that will have to wait until tomorrow. I was suppose to see a "friend" (I honestly have no actual friends here) today but now she's not online so I wasted my time with that. I honestly should just turn my phone off and go back to sleep.
If you sleep, may your dreams be wonderful...
I'm not actually going to go to sleep.
Well, I apparently can't donate plasma to get money to at least try to enjoy my birthday. Google is saying they're closed early today and I tried calling them multiple times and no one is answering. Last time I was there, they were short staffed. So I can't even have a little cake and ice cream.
And this is rich because it's right after I had this big epiphany that I wasn't going to allow other people letting me down (I'm pretty angry at and disappointed with some people in my life, and I'll leave it there so I don't get personal) and was going to do what I wanted regardless of others. Apparently not. My sister said I should be happy I have food and a roof over my head. I guess. It truly is just another ****ing day. Same old BS.
And this is rich because it's right after I had this big epiphany that I wasn't going to allow other people letting me down (I'm pretty angry at and disappointed with some people in my life, and I'll leave it there so I don't get personal) and was going to do what I wanted regardless of others. Apparently not. My sister said I should be happy I have food and a roof over my head. I guess. It truly is just another ****ing day. Same old BS.
I deleted Discord and some other apps that I barely use. My phone is cluttered with "social media" apps and it's time to downsize.
At this point, I don't even want to go to the plasma place. Every time I go lately, my vitals are a mess. My blood pressure is high and my pulse is high. I have medication and the BP meds were increased recently but it doesn't seem to be helping now. So now I am deferred but I really don't want to go back. This whole thing is upsetting. 
I can't believe that I've been out of work for 6 months. It's been a blur. By the end of this month, I have to have something going. I can't do this anymore.
I was supposed to be getting a new caseworker and they were supposed to call me. That was around 2 weeks ago. So it's obvious to me that Southeast doesn't give a damn about me. I don't know what to do. I can get angry and demand to speak to someone to complain about my treatment but I don't know if that's going to matter. There isn't much choice in terms of alternatives, either.
I was supposed to be getting a new caseworker and they were supposed to call me. That was around 2 weeks ago. So it's obvious to me that Southeast doesn't give a damn about me. I don't know what to do. I can get angry and demand to speak to someone to complain about my treatment but I don't know if that's going to matter. There isn't much choice in terms of alternatives, either.
Seems you really can't catch a break. I'm sorry to hear it.
I just feel really stuck now. And I've been really anxious about my blood pressure, which of cause only makes it worse! I'm obsessed with the idea that I'm going to have a heart attack. I really need to find something to occupy my time.
What do you do to relax or enjoy yourself?
Well, much of my day is spent on my couch watching TV, staring at my phone and I also drink beer and smoke...stuff. I'm in a rut. It's so hard to motivate myself to leave the apartment because I don't have much to do and no one to spend time with. I would like to go for walks. But in my neighborhood, there's more and more people and that triggers my anxiety. There isn't a park nearby and this area isn't very walkable.
This area is odd because it's where the city bleeds into the suburbs. I really miss the Clintonville area of the city. I lived right across the street from Whetstone Park which is a large recreational park, and it's very beautiful. They have a rose garden park, too. I never liked this area, to be honest. I didn't have a choice, though, because this is public housing and you go wherever an available apartment is.
I've been watching YouTube videos. Political and social stuff, mostly, which probably doesn't help. My sleep schedule is screwed up, too. I've been going to sleep around 6am and waking up around 3. Oops. So I have to fix that, too. I've missed therapy this week and last because of it. I rescheduled for this Friday, at least.
Sometimes there's hidden gems to be found, but if your anxiety bothers you, it might not be something you'd want to explore.
I loved when I had a similar sleep schedule! I was so rested. It can be hard to keep if you have to have a lot of appointments, though. Therapy's probably a good thing.
Honestly, I need to get over it. I need to get out more and be around people more to at least be used to it again. I've been really isolated. I guess one thing I can do is switch my preferred library to the one by me, which is about a mile away and walk to and from it. That way I get out and walk more.
I love the night (there's no one around, lol) but it's not good for my depression. I'm not really getting any direct sunlight and morning sunlight is good for mood regulation.
Honestly, I just need a steady job. I'm thinking about just trying to go back to Kroger, sadly. I looked to see if the Aldi that opened by me a few weeks is hiring but nothing, sadly. Disappointing.
If you can get over it, yeah, you're better off doing so, yes. (I know not all can.)
I think this is a good plan.
Do you find it actually affects you? I find I am more prone to depression the earlier I get up(but I know I'm a big weirdo).
A job would probably help. Maybe there would be some leads for something different at the library?
Thanks. It's just a matter of putting it into action. That's always the issue.
Yeah, getting up too early doesn't work for me, either. But I'm thinking of when I had to get up around 4 am to be at work at 6. That was awful. I mean, the body does adjust eventually but that shift sucks. I prefer to go to bed around midnight or so and wake up between 8 to 10.
They might have job resources, I'm not sure. It would be nice if I had a caseworker to help me. Lol.
It is. And when you're depressed, it makes it all the harder.
You know, they say you adjust, but I had to get up at 8am for about 7 years, and I never did.
I'm an ******* until at least noon. The closer to noon I wake up, the better for those around me.
It would. I hope you get a call soon.
I'm waiting on a call from resources myself. Its been two weeks. What a headache.
Exactly. I don't even want to wake up or get of bed most of the time, but needing to use the bathroom and feed the cat forces it.
I don't even know if I had a chance to really adjust to it. I would work two of those shifts and the rest of the week, it would be 10 to 6. So I was switching my sleeping patterns twice a week. What bs. The only time I had a steady schedule is when someone went on vacation and that was only for a week. There were weeks I had to work all three shifts in a week. Honestly, that should be illegal. It was abusive. You're just constantly tired.
I doubt they're going to call me of their own violation. I'm going to have to force it. I'm pretty positive my former caseworker poisoned the mind of her supervisor against me. They seem to think I don't deserve help, from what she said and how she acted towards me. I may talk to the client's rights officer again. This is unexcusable.
I hope you get your phone call, too!