if your girlfriend/wife contacts her ex-boyfriends, and inverse

[Marisa]

I know that , i just try to revive it , but i failed

See, I'm smarter than you thought.

 

[Godobeyer]

See, I'm smarter than you thought.

it's not about smarter , it's about different opinions and cultures .
My English is not good enough .

 

[Thanda]

Honesty is key here.

If you aren't comfortable with your wife/girlfriend going off to meet an ex, explain to her that you don't trust her not to cheat on you first chance she gets, because you're insecure. She can then consider, and may decide to not meet with them alone to spare your feelings, or may decide to continue to meet with them because it's a valuable relationship and it wouldn't be fair on her ex to break up the friendship. In the latter case, she would hopefully find ways to put your mind at ease over the nature of the relationship.

I don't agree with this view. Human beings are human beings. They get tempted. One of the best ways to not get into temptation is not allow yourself to be tempted in the first place. One of the first things a recovering alcoholic does is stay away from bars. Likewise, the best way to prevent old romantic and / or sexual feelings from springing up between yourself and your exes is to simply stay away from them.

 

[Godobeyer]

Plus i am very certian that most of people don't agree that their lovers stay on contact with their EX

 

[Marisa]

it's not about smarter , it's about different opinions and cultures .
My English is not good enough .

I was only kidding. The language barrier does make joke translation difficult. FWIW, I am a sarcastic person and even without a language barrier, sometimes I suppose it can be difficult to tell when I'm being serious.

 

[Marisa]

I don't agree with this view. Human beings are human beings. They get tempted. One of the best ways to not get into temptation is not allow yourself to be tempted in the first place. One of the first things a recovering alcoholic does is stay away from bars. Likewise, the best way to prevent old romantic and / or sexual feelings from springing up between yourself and your exes is to simply stay away from them.

If you retain romantic feelings for past romantic partners, distance isn't going to change that. It's going to make it damn near impossible to act on them, but it won't make them go away. The best way to deal with your emotions is to actually deal with them, not suppress them or deny them. That's pretty basic psychology.

 

[Sakeenah]

Plus i am very certian that most of people don't agree that their lovers stay on contact with their EX

I think this discussion can go on for another 10+ pages..because you are looking at it from your point of view (culture,upbringing, religion etc). And others are looking it from their point of view ( western culture)

I understand and respect the western view point even though I don't share the same opinion.
But family members back home they wouldn't understand it because they live in a total different society with different values.

Personally I look at it from a conservative religious view point which doesn't allow two people from the opposite gender to be alone so I wouldn't be friends with an ex husband and wouldn't want my husband to be.

 

[Sakeenah]

it's not about smarter , it's about different opinions and cultures .
My English is not good enough .

Don't worry your English is quite good..practice makes perfect. English isn't my first language so I know that translating to another language while you think in a different language can get quite difficult

 

[Godobeyer]

I think this discussion can go on for another 10+ pages..because you are looking at it from your point of view (culture,upbringing, religion etc). And others are looking it from their point of view ( western culture)

I understand and respect the western view point even though I don't share the same opinion.
But family members back home they wouldn't understand it because they live in a total different society with different values.

Personally I look at it from a conservative religious view point which doesn't allow two people from the opposite gender to be alone so I wouldn't be friends with an ex husband and wouldn't want my husband to be.

I don't know if you live in West or not , but for your opinion , most of Westerns agree that their lovers stay on contact with their EXs , or it's jealous factor is weak ?

 

[Marisa]

I don't know if you live in West or not , but for your opinion , most of Westerns agree that their lovers stay on contact with their EXs , or it's jealous factor is weak ?

No, you can't say "most". What you've learned here is that many respondents at RF don't have a problem in remaining friends with previous romantic partners, nothing more than that. Polling a few people on a message board is hardly scientific and should not be taken as a unilateral explanation of how westerners think. Even here at RF, only a handful of people have answered you. And @MuslimaInBlack is right, you aren't really internalizing or evaluating what you are being told. You will not consider any perspective other than your own and that's making it extremely difficult for you to accurately evaluate what you are learning. There is a great deal of nuance in what the respondents here are telling you, but you're only viewing it from the "my opinion/exact opposite of my opinion" perspective.

 

[Thanda]

If you retain romantic feelings for past romantic partners, distance isn't going to change that. It's going to make it damn near impossible to act on them, but it won't make them go away. The best way to deal with your emotions is to actually deal with them, not suppress them or deny them. That's pretty basic psychology.

That is well and good. And I agree. However I'm not simply talking about people who harbour feelings for past romantic partners. I am talking people who's feelings are reignited when in the presence of certain past romantic partners. This is normal. You talk with that old partner, you begin to make old inside jokes and before you know it the old feelings start to resurface.

Another point. Not all relationships end because people have come to hate each others guts. Some relationships end simply because the couple agree that they have certain fundamental differences with each other will not allow them to be in a relationship together. Often these are also the type of relationships where, before the final breakup, there were a series of breakups and make ups. They loved each other but they could not make things work.

Now what is important is that for an affair to be contemplated or to be in anyway appealing, there is no requirement for the two people to have a realistic chance at a long term relationship.

 

[Sakeenah]

I don't know if you live in West or not , but for your opinion , most of Westerns agree that their lovers stay on contact with their EXs , or it's jealous factor is weak ?

I live in the west..jealousy in a relationship isn't something positive

 

[Marisa]

That is well and good. And I agree. However I'm not simply talking about people who harbour feelings for past romantic partners. I am talking people who's feelings are reignited when in the presence of certain past romantic partners.

Then it would seem that said person's feelings have not been accurately dealt with.

This is normal. You talk with that old partner, you begin to make old inside jokes and before you know it the old feelings start to resurface.

Normal? Hardly. You may be confusing reminiscing with actual feelings.

Another point. Not all relationships end because people have come to hate each others guts.

I'm well aware of that, as none of mine have ended because we "hate each other's guts". Some have been less amicable than others, and there are a few I don't care if I never see again. But for the most part, I'd have no problem maintaining friendships with my past romantic partners. One of them I do, he's a facebook friend of mine and we talk often.

Some relationships end simply because the couple agree that they have certain fundamental differences with each other will not allow them to be in a relationship together.

That's called growing apart, which I've already discussed in a previous post (perhaps different thread, so you might not have seen it) but thanks for 'splaining it to me.

Often these are also the type of relationships where, before the final breakup, there were a series of breakups and make ups. They loved each other but they could not make things work.

Never has been for me, but I am by no means the barometer for all relationships, ever.

Now what is important is that for an affair to be contemplated or to be in anyway appealing, there is no requirement for the two people to have a realistic chance at a long term relationship.

Uh . . . what? Not following that one.

At the end of day, everyone will order their own lives according to their own comfort zones. It's best to properly deal with your emotions but even if you do and you don't want to be friends with an ex, there's nothing wrong with that. My only point is that distancing yourself from a person doesn't make the feelings go away. It may make the feelings easier to repress, but it doesn't make them go away.

 

[Kirran]

this not good enough exemple .

If you bring a gun and let's the kids play with it , that's absolutly your fault , if someone hurts .

the intention is good , the result is not good always .

While I realised it was funny, I was also making a point

Women are adult human beings just like us.

 

[Thanda]

At the end of day, everyone will order their own lives according to their own comfort zones. It's best to properly deal with your emotions but even if you do and you don't want to be friends with an ex, there's nothing wrong with that. My only point is that distancing yourself from a person doesn't make the feelings go away. It may make the feelings easier to repress, but it doesn't make them go away.

It may not make the feelings go away, but the distance may give you sufficient time to cool of and heal. We may not always be able to deal with old feelings immediately after a breakup. We may think we have dealt with them but often it takes time and numerous moments of reflection before we have finally settled the matter. How long it may finally take is anyone's guess. So most people carry on with their lives and love again despite not having perhaps fully and completely dealt with all aspect of past feelings. This is why I say it is normal.

Normal? Hardly. You may be confusing reminiscing with actual feelings.

No I am talking about feelings. Remember you met the person and loved them. Then you left them, not because you didn't like them anymore but because of other fundamental differences (values, lifestyle, priorities etc.). When you leave them the love doesn't magically disappear. But over time it may fade as you no longer see each other. Thus when you meet and chat the old feelings return again.

Let me ask you: do you believe it is impossible to love more than one person at once?

Uh . . . what? Not following that one.

The reason why I think it is wise in most instances to keep ones distance from exes (when in a committed relationship like marriage) is that affairs (of which there are too many in the world) don't require the same standard of compatibility and connection for them to happen as do normal relationships.

It is important to protect your relationship and avoid things that have a significant potential to harm it.

 

[Marisa]

It may not make the feelings go away, but the distance may give you sufficient time to cool of and heal. We may not always be able to deal with old feelings immediately after a breakup. We may think we have dealt with them but often it takes time and numerous moments of reflection before we have finally settled the matter. How long it may finally take is anyone's guess. So most people carry on with their lives and love again despite not having perhaps fully and completely dealt with all aspect of past feelings. This is why I say it is normal.

Everyone's experience is different. I tend to tackle things head on, but again I recognize I'm not the barometer.

No I am talking about feelings. Remember you met the person and loved them. Then you left them, not because you didn't like them anymore but because of other fundamental differences (values, lifestyle, priorities etc.). When you leave them the love doesn't magically disappear. But over time it may fade as you no longer see each other. Thus when you meet and chat the old feelings return again.

That's reminiscing. Part of that is remembering how you were feeling at the time. If you've dealt with the emotions you had properly, you probably recognize the difference between remembering the way you were feeling then, and actually feeling that way again. I fondly remember the way I was feeling when I was with my ex when our relationship was strong. But I don't still have those feelings for him.

Let me ask you: do you believe it is impossible to love more than one person at once?

Love? No. Be in love? For me, yes. And what's more is I never was able to have the feeling of being in love with someone else if I was pining away for someone I wasn't with any longer. I've not always been brilliantly mature. I was once young and stupid.

The reason why I think it is wise in most instances to keep ones distance from exes (when in a committed relationship like marriage) is that affairs (of which there are too many in the world) don't require the same standard of compatibility and connection for them to happen as do normal relationships.

Affairs also require the ability to give oneself permission to sate immediate desires without regard to potential consequences. That requires a level of self awareness that it appears to me, is not valued or encouraged much these days. When you marry someone you don't lose the ability to find any other human being sexually attractive. What's important is what you expect of yourself in relation to those feelings.

It is important to protect your relationship and avoid things that have a significant potential to harm it.

And if your relationship is strong and healthy, that's the best armor available and likely impenetrable to previous paramours.[/QUOTE]

 

[Godobeyer]

While I realised it was funny, I was also making a point

Women are adult human beings just like us.

Who said women are not adult human beings ?

btw , i guess you hindu , what is hinduism tell about this (wife/husband contact his/her ex ), and about obedience of the wife to her husband ?

I am make a point to , that you never make excuse to a serious wrong decisions then regret that the consequnces.

 

[Godobeyer]

Let me ask you: do you believe it is impossible to love more than one person at once?

it's possible , but you may take one of them as top of farvorite.

 

[Wirey]

This is an excellent example of a couple setting their own boundaries. Most people manipulate others, and sometimes the way people manipulate is through flirtation. Often times those people would never dream of being unfaithful to their romantic partner and for them, flirtation is simply how they get people to do what they want. EVERYONE manipulates, it's what we do, but not every manipulation is mean spirited or emotionally harmful to another person. Flirtation does not equal cheating, and it doesn't mean that cheating will immediately take place. Flirting and cheating are two different things.

Take me and @Wirey , or really @Wirey and pretty much any female on the board. Technically, that's flirting. But I know Wirey's kidding, and Wirey knows I'm kidding, and apparently the only one who wasn't able to tell the difference was you, @Godobeyer . That ought to suggest to you that there may well be some social cues you aren't picking up on, and as far as I can tell it's because of your harsh personal position on how other people are supposed to behave to best respect you. You have the absolute right to expect to be respected, but when you obtain that respect through unhealthy manipulation of others and irrational demands, you aren't much more than a tyrant.

Um yeah, I'm kidding.

How you doin'?

 

[Marisa]

Um yeah, I'm kidding.

How you doin'?

Fine, you?