The Sum of Awe's search for love and confidence

[The Sum of Awe]

Having your efforts frustrated leads to despair sometimes, yes.

But at least you are trying. Giving up is the only way to truly fail. And that will lead to MUCH more despair in the long run.

You’re absolutely right. I will keep fighting on, there’s nothing else i can do. “Stuck between a rock and a hard path”

 

[vulcanlogician]

You’re absolutely right. I will keep fighting on, there’s nothing else i can do. “Stuck between a rock and a hard path”

How's your novel coming? Mind if I ask what it's about?

 

[The Sum of Awe]

How's your novel coming? Mind if I ask what it's about?

I’ve been on a break from it since being stuck, but I think next week I’ll take another look at it. Can I PM you the details of what it is about?

 

[vulcanlogician]

I’ve been on a break from it since being stuck, but I think next week I’ll take another look at it. Can I PM you the details of what it is about?

Except in the case that it is some kind of weird pornographic novel, I would LOVE to hear what it's about. Go ahead and PM me.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

It's freaking annoying how all of my matches so far (on dating apps) have been with women who put zero effort into the conversation. It's always a one way conversation, to the point I end up unintentionally interviewing them because of their lack of enthusiasm in their responses that I try building on but there's no help from their end... And their lack of interest in getting to know me, no questions about me and when I do say something about myself it essentially dies there. I've always thought it was my fault but I really don't think it is anymore.

Gosh I hope not all women on dating apps are this way...

 

[The Sum of Awe]

It's gotta be me though... I just don't understand it. I ask the other questions, show interest and enthusiasm. Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions? Why doesn't anyone even attempt to build? I add humor when I can, when it feels natural, I talk about myself if I can relate to something they said just to mix it up a little sometimes. I'm trying everything and I don't understand where I'm going wrong.

I'm not trying to sound like I'm blaming the others here. It's just frustration. I've had four different conversations lately just turn out so dull and it's driving me nuts. I really just don't understand THE ISSUE.

These have all been over texting though, so maybe that might be part of the issue? Maybe I'm just not a great texter? I'm really unsure.

 

[JustGeorge]

It's gotta be me though... I just don't understand it. I ask the other questions, show interest and enthusiasm. Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions? Why doesn't anyone even attempt to build? I add humor when I can, when it feels natural, I talk about myself if I can relate to something they said just to mix it up a little sometimes. I'm trying everything and I don't understand where I'm going wrong.

I'm not trying to sound like I'm blaming the others here. It's just frustration. I've had four different conversations lately just turn out so dull and it's driving me nuts. I really just don't understand THE ISSUE.

These have all been over texting though, so maybe that might be part of the issue? Maybe I'm just not a great texter? I'm really unsure.

I find it really hard to have a very meaningful conversation with text. Not impossible, just difficult. And that's with people I know well. I can't imagine how hard it would be with people I didn't know well.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

I have some advice, but keep in mind, it doesn't really apply to every woman. Here it is:

If a woman doesn't respond to you who is from a dating site, it's generally for one of four reasons:

1. She's not super attracted. (A lot of initial impressions involve appearance.)

2. She's not into the subjects being talked about. Sometimes it just takes the right subject for someone to open up.

3. She has had bad experiences with men, and is being careful.

4. She's just super submissive, and kind of leans on that.

In my personal experience, it's usually 1. or 2., but not always.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

@The Sum of Awe - Maybe the next time you talk to a woman, try talking about subjects that are generally interesting - Christmas, the outdoors, etc - just not too much about yourself - and go into vivid detail in your explanations of these things - just keep each response tight still (no more than two paragraphs), and in explaining things, try to incorporate the five senses into your descriptions.

If you can do that, and it sounds like something you'd want to do.

I've been doing it today, and like two women are talking to me right now. Me and them haven't set dates or anything, though.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

@The Sum of Awe - Maybe the next time you talk to a woman, try talking about subjects that are generally interesting - Christmas, the outdoors, etc - just not too much about yourself - and go into vivid detail in your explanations of these things - just keep each response tight still (no more than two paragraphs), and in explaining things, try to incorporate the five senses into your descriptions.

If you can do that, and it sounds like something you'd want to do.

I've been doing it today, and like two women are talking to me right now. Me and them haven't set dates or anything, though.

-slaps myself- Why did I not think about Christmas? That’s a great conversation topic!

 

[Quagmire]

It's gotta be me though... I just don't understand it. I ask the other questions, show interest and enthusiasm. Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions?

What questions are you asking, Sum?

Why doesn't anyone even attempt to build? I add humor when I can, when it feels natural, I talk about myself if I can relate to something they said just to mix it up a little sometimes.

This could be a mistake: while it may seem like a natural reaction to mention when you find you have a shared experience with someone, a lot of people won't interpret that as "Hey the same thing happened to me so I understand what you went through" so much as they'll see it as an attempt to steer the conversation back to you. In a situation like that you're much better off staying focused on her and her experience, and limiting your contributions to showing her that you understand, rather than telling (just like in writing).

Here's what I mean:

Her: "My father was a fisherman, and he was to cheap to buy us pillows so when we were kids we slept with our heads resting on sacks of dead halibut".

(*now, let's say that as it happens your father was also a fisherman and also cheap and that you were also made to sleep on sacks of halibut as a kid. What are the odds, right? Mentioning that you went through the same thing seems like it should serve as a bonding experience, right? So you reply):

You: "OMG! My father did the same thing!

--- conversation stops.

Why? Well for one thing because that topic is covered, what more is there to say? You revealed the ending too soon.

Now let's try this:

Her: "My father was a fisherman, and he was to cheap to buy us pillows so when we were kids we slept with our heads resting on sacks of dead halibut".

You: "Man that sucks. I mean how uncomfortable, not to mention the smell. . . .and trying sleep holding your nose all night,. . . . having to sleep with the windows open no matter how cold it was outside . . .

"I'll bet it was like heaven once you got your own place could afford your own pillows. Don't worry, if we ever decide to have dinner I'll be sure not to order the fish".


See there? You stayed completely focused on her, showed her what an insightful, understanding and considerate person you are, and gave up almost nothing about yourself. hence maintaining an intriguing air of mystery.

Her: (thinking) "Wow! It's like he can read my mind! Who is this insightful, understanding, considerate and mysterious stranger? I'm Intrigued"!

Now at some point you'll tell her that you went through the same thing, but by that time she'll already think that the stars have brought you together and anything you have in common will just reinforce that idea.

And don't worry, it works for positive commonalities too. Observe:


You: "What kind of music do you like"?

Her: "Well, I'm kind of a fan of Bongloadian folk music".

(now as it happens, you're a big fan of Bongloadian folk music yourself. So. . . )

You: "Really? I'm a big fan of Bongloadian folk music folk music myself! What are the odds
"?

Her: That's nice.
(Thinking: "pfffft, yeah right. I'll bet you wouldn't know the difference between a coconut xylophone concerto and a goat-bone nose flute duet. Desperate much"?)

Now she thinks you're a kiss-***


Now try this:

Her: "Well, I'm kind of a fan of Bongloadian folk music".

You: "Ah yes. Which do you prefer? A yak-string zither ensemble or a chorus of octogenarian nose yodeling? I'm partial to a good round of albino orangutan buttock drumming myself".

Her: "(My god!! He's like, perfect!! And I just bought a new set of albino orangutan buttock drums too. Hmmm, I wonder if he'd like to come over and see them . . .)"

Once again, you kept it about her and you showed rather than just told.


Remember: this is an interview and you need to decide which side of the desk you're sitting on: are you the one conducting he interview? Or are you the applicant? You'll be under a lot less pressure to whatever extent you maintain the idea that you're that first guy.

Of course ideally you'll wind up meeting someone who's interested in a genuine give and take, but lets face it: most of us will talk about ourselves to whatever extent the other person will let us.

And in any case, this strategy will help take the pressure off in the early stages of the game.

It's much easier and more effective to go into social situations looking to see what you can give (in this case approval) rather than what you can get.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

What questions are you asking, Sum?



This could be a mistake: while it may seem like a natural reaction to mention when you find you have a shared experience with someone, a lot of people won't interpret that as "Hey the same thing happened to me so I understand what you went through" so much as they'll see it as an attempt to steer the conversation back to you. In a situation like that you're much better off staying focused on her and her experience, and limiting your contributions to showing her that you understand, rather than telling (just like in writing).

Here's what I mean:

Her: "My father was a fisherman, and he was to cheap to buy us pillows so when we were kids we slept with our heads resting on sacks of dead halibut".

(*now, let's say that as it happens your father was also a fisherman and also cheap and that you were also made to sleep on sacks of halibut as a kid. What are the odds, right? Mentioning that you went through the same thing seems like it should serve as a bonding experience, right? So you reply):

You: "OMG! My father did the same thing!

--- conversation stops.

Why? Well for one thing because that topic is covered, what more is there to say? You revealed the ending too soon.

Now let's try this:

Her: "My father was a fisherman, and he was to cheap to buy us pillows so when we were kids we slept with our heads resting on sacks of dead halibut".

You: "Man that sucks. I mean how uncomfortable, not to mention the smell. . . .and trying sleep holding your nose all night,. . . . having to sleep with the windows open no matter how cold it was outside . . .

"I'll bet it was like heaven once you got your own place could afford your own pillows. Don't worry, if we ever decide to have dinner I'll be sure not to order the fish".


See there? You stayed completely focused on her, showed her what an insightful, understanding and considerate person you are, and gave up almost nothing about yourself. hence maintaining an intriguing air of mystery.

Her: (thinking) "Wow! It's like he can read my mind! Who is this insightful, understanding, considerate and mysterious stranger? I'm Intrigued"!

Now at some point you'll tell her that you went through the same thing, but by that time she'll already think that the stars have brought you together and anything you have in common will just reinforce that idea.

And don't worry, it works for positive commonalities too. Observe:


You: "What kind of music do you like"?

Her: "Well, I'm kind of a fan of Bongloadian folk music".

(now as it happens, you're a big fan of Bongloadian folk music yourself. So. . . )

You: "Really? I'm a big fan of Bongloadian folk music folk music myself! What are the odds
"?

Her: That's nice.
(Thinking: "pfffft, yeah right. I'll bet you wouldn't know the difference between a coconut xylophone concerto and a goat-bone nose flute duet. Desperate much"?)

Now she thinks you're a kiss-***


Now try this:

Her: "Well, I'm kind of a fan of Bongloadian folk music".

You: "Ah yes. Which do you prefer? A yak-string zither ensemble or a chorus of octogenarian nose yodeling? I'm partial to a good round of albino orangutan buttock drumming myself".

Her: "(My god!! He's like, perfect!! And I just bought a new set of albino orangutan buttock drums too. Hmmm, I wonder if he'd like to come over and see them . . .)"

Once again, you kept it about her and you showed rather than just told.


Remember: this is an interview and you need to decide which side of the desk you're sitting on: are you the one conducting he interview? Or are you the applicant? You'll be under a lot less pressure to whatever extent you maintain the idea that you're that first guy.

Of course ideally you'll wind up meeting someone who's interested in a genuine give and take, but lets face it: most of us will talk about ourselves to whatever extent the other person will let us.

And in any case, this strategy will help take the pressure off in the early stages of the game.

It's much easier and more effective to go into social situations looking to see what you can give (in this case approval) rather than what you can get.

Thank you Quagmire, that makes sense to me.

ugh that was a lazy response, I could have been more detailed. Socializing is confusing. Lots of practice i guess.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

What questions are you asking, Sum?

To start the conversation I usually ask what their interests are. Sometimes it’s about things I don’t know a lot about so finding the right questions to ask without boring them becomes a bit tricky.

This could be a mistake: while it may seem like a natural reaction to mention when you find you have a shared experience with someone, a lot of people won't interpret that as "Hey the same thing happened to me so I understand what you went through" so much as they'll see it as an attempt to steer the conversation back to you. In a situation like that you're much better off staying focused on her and her experience, and limiting your contributions to showing her that you understand, rather than telling (just like in writing).

Here's what I mean:

Her: "My father was a fisherman, and he was to cheap to buy us pillows so when we were kids we slept with our heads resting on sacks of dead halibut".

(*now, let's say that as it happens your father was also a fisherman and also cheap and that you were also made to sleep on sacks of halibut as a kid. What are the odds, right? Mentioning that you went through the same thing seems like it should serve as a bonding experience, right? So you reply):

You: "OMG! My father did the same thing!

--- conversation stops.

Why? Well for one thing because that topic is covered, what more is there to say? You revealed the ending too soon.

Now let's try this:

Her: "My father was a fisherman, and he was to cheap to buy us pillows so when we were kids we slept with our heads resting on sacks of dead halibut".

You: "Man that sucks. I mean how uncomfortable, not to mention the smell. . . .and trying sleep holding your nose all night,. . . . having to sleep with the windows open no matter how cold it was outside . . .

"I'll bet it was like heaven once you got your own place could afford your own pillows. Don't worry, if we ever decide to have dinner I'll be sure not to order the fish".

I see, so it is best to try to relate to what they said and put yourself in their shoes when they tell you a story. I have yet to have someone tell me a story of themselves like this, I am unable to even get it to that point it seems.

See there? You stayed completely focused on her, showed her what an insightful, understanding and considerate person you are, and gave up almost nothing about yourself. hence maintaining an intriguing air of mystery.

Her: (thinking) "Wow! It's like he can read my mind! Who is this insightful, understanding, considerate and mysterious stranger? I'm Intrigued"!

Now at some point you'll tell her that you went through the same thing, but by that time she'll already think that the stars have brought you together and anything you have in common will just reinforce that idea.

And don't worry, it works for positive commonalities too. Observe:


You: "What kind of music do you like"?

Her: "Well, I'm kind of a fan of Bongloadian folk music".

(now as it happens, you're a big fan of Bongloadian folk music yourself. So. . . )

You: "Really? I'm a big fan of Bongloadian folk music folk music myself! What are the odds
"?

Her: That's nice.
(Thinking: "pfffft, yeah right. I'll bet you wouldn't know the difference between a coconut xylophone concerto and a goat-bone nose flute duet. Desperate much"?)

Now she thinks you're a kiss-***


Now try this:

Her: "Well, I'm kind of a fan of Bongloadian folk music".

You: "Ah yes. Which do you prefer? A yak-string zither ensemble or a chorus of octogenarian nose yodeling? I'm partial to a good round of albino orangutan buttock drumming myself".

Her: "(My god!! He's like, perfect!! And I just bought a new set of albino orangutan buttock drums too. Hmmm, I wonder if he'd like to come over and see them . . .)"

Once again, you kept it about her and you showed rather than just told.

So let’s say you’re not into that type of music, and you’re unsure of what it even is, and then perhaps you ask for their favorite songs and you are not a fan. What next? Is playful teasing about their music taste inappropriate when you’re just getting to know them? I mean if you genuinely don’t care for something are you really supposed to pretend to be interested and ask them to expand? That feels dishonest.

Remember: this is an interview and you need to decide which side of the desk you're sitting on: are you the one conducting he interview? Or are you the applicant? You'll be under a lot less pressure to whatever extent you maintain the idea that you're that first guy.

That’s a good way to look at it.

Of course ideally you'll wind up meeting someone who's interested in a genuine give and take, but lets face it: most of us will talk about ourselves to whatever extent the other person will let us.

And in any case, this strategy will help take the pressure off in the early stages of the game.

It's much easier and more effective to go into social situations looking to see what you can give (in this case approval) rather than what you can get.

That’s a good concept. I admit I have a pretty big ego and I love talking about myself, I just try to avoid it because I know that’s not the best way to go about conversations. But maybe I need to genuinely be interested in the other person’s passions even if I don’t see the appeal? I think I’ve always known to try to keep the focus on the other person but because I was just doing it for me then it unconsciously shifted to dull responses and I didn’t have my full attention on their saying. How can I trick my mind to be more selfless and just being interested in hearing the other person?

hahaha truth comes out. I hope I didn’t sound like a selfish monster there. I mean I do like hearing what people have to say if the topic interests me, but I’m talking about when it doesn’t

I will try to monitor more how much I am talking about myself

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Here’s some openings:

I commented on a girl’s Answer on Hinge:

From her profile “My most irrational fear is… My cat suffocating me in my sleep”

My message: Does your cat have murderous intentions?

Her: She is insane

Me: Sounds like your cat needs therapy

No comment… no response at all even though she had just texted minutes ago… at last I typed: So what are you all about?

It has been a day, no response. Likely ghosted



Another example:

Me: Hey, what’s up??

Her: Not much, you?

Me: Not much, just chilling.
(I honestly wasn’t doing anything at the table , just was sitting on Reddit it wasn’t a conversation worthy thing) so I went the humor route: “You give me 60s vibes with the round glasses and long hair. -laugh smiley-

No response for a half hour: “Not into the Beatles, I take it? -shrug smiley- Well what are some things you do like?”

No response. At the end of the day I finally said: I apologize if I came off as rude. I hope we can still get to know each other. If not I understand. I will leave it at that… good night”

Ghosted…

Another conversation went well, we were talking about her job. Then she asked what I did and explained that I work at a factory. Ghosted… Gee thanks…

On other ones I’m starting to see where I went wrong because I did talk about myself more.

So I’m thinking in the above examples it was the humor that flunked? Hmm i will try to just be more down to earth since I am not a witty person, I could try that I suppose.

 

[Quagmire]

To start the conversation I usually ask what their interests are. Sometimes it’s about things I don’t know a lot about so finding the right questions to ask without boring them becomes a bit tricky.

I could understand that.

I see, so it is best to try to relate to what they said and put yourself in their shoes when they tell you a story.

Probably a good strategy for dealing with people in general.

I have yet to have someone tell me a story of themselves like this, I am unable to even get it to that point it seems.

Maybe the women you're talking to are looking for something different from what you're looking for. I mean, I don't have any experience with dating sites so I don't know what people generally go there for: are they looking for a potential relationship? Are they just looking for a hook up?

If someone is just looking for some casual fun they might be annoyed by too much small talk. I'm just guessing but I would say that if you and the person you're talking too aren't on the same page about you want it probably isn't going to go well.

So let’s say you’re not into that type of music, and you’re unsure of what it even is, and then perhaps you ask for their favorite songs and you are not a fan. What next? Is playful teasing about their music taste inappropriate when you’re just getting to know them?

I would say yes. People don't tend to respond well to ribbing from people they don't know.

I mean if you genuinely don’t care for something are you really supposed to pretend to be interested and ask them to expand? That feels dishonest.

It is and no, you shouldn't do that. People can usually pick up on it if you're being disingenuous, and a lot of the time it's a deal-breaker.

That’s a good way to look at it.


That’s a good concept. I admit I have a pretty big ego and I love talking about myself,

That's most of us.

I just try to avoid it because I know that’s not the best way to go about conversations. But maybe I need to genuinely be interested in the other person’s passions even if I don’t see the appeal?

It's OK to let people expand on a topic they care about even if you don't. Maybe you can get an idea about where their passion for something is coming from, and maybe once you've learned some things you didn't know on the topic it will peek our own interest.

I think I’ve always known to try to keep the focus on the other person but because I was just doing it for me then it unconsciously shifted to dull responses and I didn’t have my full attention on their saying. How can I trick my mind to be more selfless and just being interested in hearing the other person?

I'm not sure you can. Maybe if you have to force yourself to be interested in somebody they aren't the right person.

hahaha truth comes out. I hope I didn’t sound like a selfish monster there. I mean I do like hearing what people have to say if the topic interests me, but I’m talking about when it doesn’t

I will try to monitor more how much I am talking about myself

 

[JustGeorge]

I'm not sure you can. Maybe if you have to force yourself to be interested in somebody they aren't the right person.

I'm gonna second this...

Some people just go together. Others just do not, and all the small talk and politeness in the world won't make up for it.

I used to have a buddy that had a very similar struggle with dating. Despite being conventionally good looking(he could have been a model, really), he sucked with women. Two big things I remember with him was he couldn't get past the small talk. The other was he always looked at women as a group. "What do women like? Why don't they like me?" He talked to them in a way that was rather generic, and it didn't seem to do well for him. I'm not sure if that's avoidable on a dating site; never been there or done that. Just an observation...

In my time, I've been hit on plenty. There were two instances that compete as my favorite 'pick up' situations(even though neither was successful, as I was already seeing someone both times). The first was when I went to visit a friend in the mental health ward at the hospital. We were sitting at a table, and this guy wanders over and sits down. Without a lot of expression, he says "You're hot. You oughta commit yourself"(meaning, to the mental health unit). I no longer remember how I responded, but twenty years have passed at least, and I still remember him(hell, I even remember what he looked like and what he was wearing).

The other was at a concert. Cute little goth guy kept coming up and giving me hugs. I figured I must have known him from somewhere, and forgotten who his was. I played along. When he finally lifted me up in the air and swung me around, I confessed I didn't remember him, and asked where we knew each other. "I never met you before in my life!" he told me. Well, then. (Considering the guy I was with at that time would go on to abuse me for the next 5 years, I should have just gone off with that one!)

My point in sharing these situations was to show what they did right. It was simple. No pressure. Silly. Upbeat. And overall, fun. If this starts being more work than it is fun, its going to show. That doesn't always work real well.

 

[PoetPhilosopher]

Here’s some openings:

I commented on a girl’s Answer on Hinge:

From her profile “My most irrational fear is… My cat suffocating me in my sleep”

My message: Does your cat have murderous intentions?

Her: She is insane

Me: Sounds like your cat needs therapy

No comment… no response at all even though she had just texted minutes ago… at last I typed: So what are you all about?

It has been a day, no response. Likely ghosted



Another example:

Me: Hey, what’s up??

Her: Not much, you?

Me: Not much, just chilling.
(I honestly wasn’t doing anything at the table , just was sitting on Reddit it wasn’t a conversation worthy thing) so I went the humor route: “You give me 60s vibes with the round glasses and long hair. -laugh smiley-

No response for a half hour: “Not into the Beatles, I take it? -shrug smiley- Well what are some things you do like?”

No response. At the end of the day I finally said: I apologize if I came off as rude. I hope we can still get to know each other. If not I understand. I will leave it at that… good night”

Ghosted…

Another conversation went well, we were talking about her job. Then she asked what I did and explained that I work at a factory. Ghosted… Gee thanks…

On other ones I’m starting to see where I went wrong because I did talk about myself more.

So I’m thinking in the above examples it was the humor that flunked? Hmm i will try to just be more down to earth since I am not a witty person, I could try that I suppose.

I don't know what to say, other than:

 

[Quagmire]

Here’s some openings:

I commented on a girl’s Answer on Hinge:

From her profile “My most irrational fear is… My cat suffocating me in my sleep”

My message: Does your cat have murderous intentions?

Her: She is insane

Me: Sounds like your cat needs therapy

No comment… no response at all even though she had just texted minutes ago… at last I typed: So what are you all about?

It has been a day, no response. Likely ghosted



Another example:

Me: Hey, what’s up??

Her: Not much, you?

Me: Not much, just chilling.
(I honestly wasn’t doing anything at the table , just was sitting on Reddit it wasn’t a conversation worthy thing) so I went the humor route: “You give me 60s vibes with the round glasses and long hair. -laugh smiley-

No response for a half hour: “Not into the Beatles, I take it? -shrug smiley- Well what are some things you do like?”

No response. At the end of the day I finally said: I apologize if I came off as rude. I hope we can still get to know each other. If not I understand. I will leave it at that… good night”

Ghosted…

Another conversation went well, we were talking about her job. Then she asked what I did and explained that I work at a factory. Ghosted… Gee thanks…

On other ones I’m starting to see where I went wrong because I did talk about myself more.

So I’m thinking in the above examples it was the humor that flunked? Hmm i will try to just be more down to earth since I am not a witty person, I could try that I suppose.

I read those like 8 times and I honestly can't see anything wrong with what you said/did. Who knows, Sum. Trying to figure out what's going on in other people's minds (especially the opposite sex) is usually an exercise in futility. One thing I can say is that you probably shouldn't assume that the reactions you're getting automatically say something about you. What I mean is, no reason to take other people's behavior personally. Sometimes it might have something to do with you, sometimes it won't. Since, usually, you can't know (hard enough to know when/what you did wrong with women who you actually know. ) it's best to default to, "OK, *shrugs*" and move on.

I'll tell you the one and only thing that's ever worked consistently for me: volume.

We didn't have the internet when I was your age, but what I did have was the carnival. I worked for traveling carnivals for several years, and what that has to do with what we're talking about is this:

When I was standing behind a game counter at a fair, literally thousands of people would walk by me in any given day.

Out of those thousands a cpl hundred would be attractive women.

Out of those cpl hundred, at least a few dozen would stop by my game when I called them over (which was my job anyway).

If I made up my mind to ask every single (or lets assume they were single) one of those few dozen if they wanted to go on one of the rides for free during my break --- or even if I went straight to asking if they wanted to hang out after the show --- it usually wouldn't take very long before somebody would say yes.

One night I made a bet with the guy who worked the "joint" (that's what we called the game booths) across from me to see who could get the most women to show up after the show closed.

I won, 11 women showed up (I know. I wasn't a very nice person at one point in my life) .

Here's my point: what you need to do, what I did, is learn to let rejection roll off your back and keep asking. I mean, yes, 11 women showed up, but I can't remember how many "no"s, dirty looks, or "Go **** yourself"s I had to wade through to make that happen.

One thing I do remember in general is that it only takes one yes to make all the "no"s not matter.

OK, you don't work at a carnival, but you have the internet. You probably have an even broader field to work with than I did. Don't waste too much time thinking about the "no"s. Learn from them yes, but don't dwell on them. There's somebody out there in cyber space who's looking for you just as hard as you're looking for her. Just keep going until something clicks.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

Well good news, hope I don't jinx it, but I'm talking to a cute girl from my area that I met on Reddit. It seems to be going fine, we've been talking for a week now off and on. It's been hard for me to move it past small talk though, but she isn't ignoring me (that's a plus ) and I decided I will not make any moves on her. I did call her cute when she sent me a picture of herself, but that's all the further I'll go unless she makes a move. I don't want to flirt with every woman I see.

then today i felt super low self esteem, wondering why it is i've never been in a relationship in 26 years of my life, surely there must be something wrong with me i thought. but then i remembered - i am still friends with my crush at work, and i have another friend at work and my friend's gf is kind to me. and this person that used to be rude to me is nice to me now. so remembering all this, well, maybe there isn't something wrong with me.

It's hard not to have low self esteem when you've been single for so long, especially when you've never been in a relationship. But I also have to remember that I only recently started going out of my way trying to talk to people. Patience is a virtue.

Admittedly I'm still shy around some people, if they give the vibe that they don't want to talk then I won't say a word. I suppose that's normal? I did say 'goodbye' to the person anyway. "Bye" they groaned back. Ah well, screw'em. Not everyone will like me, even if I don't know why they don't like me.

 

[The Sum of Awe]

I read those like 8 times and I honestly can't see anything wrong with what you said/did. Who knows, Sum. Trying to figure out what's going on in other people's minds (especially the opposite sex) is usually an exercise in futility. One thing I can say is that you probably shouldn't assume that the reactions you're getting automatically say something about you. What I mean is, no reason to take other people's behavior personally. Sometimes it might have something to do with you, sometimes it won't. Since, usually, you can't know (hard enough to know when/what you did wrong with women who you actually know. ) it's best to default to, "OK, *shrugs*" and move on.

I'll tell you the one and only thing that's ever worked consistently for me: volume.

We didn't have the internet when I was your age, but what I did have was the carnival. I worked for traveling carnivals for several years, and what that has to do with what we're talking about is this:

When I was standing behind a game counter at a fair, literally thousands of people would walk by me in any given day.

Out of those thousands a cpl hundred would be attractive women.

Out of those cpl hundred, at least a few dozen would stop by my game when I called them over (which was my job anyway).

If I made up my mind to ask every single (or lets assume they were single) one of those few dozen if they wanted to go on one of the rides for free during my break --- or even if I went straight to asking if they wanted to hang out after the show --- it usually wouldn't take very long before somebody would say yes.

One night I made a bet with the guy who worked the "joint" (that's what we called the game booths) across from me to see who could get the most women to show up after the show closed.

I won, 11 women showed up (I know. I wasn't a very nice person at one point in my life) .

Here's my point: what you need to do, what I did, is learn to let rejection roll off your back and keep asking. I mean, yes, 11 women showed up, but I can't remember how many "no"s, dirty looks, or "Go **** yourself"s I had to wade through to make that happen.

One thing I do remember in general is that it only takes one yes to make all the "no"s not matter.

OK, you don't work at a carnival, but you have the internet. You probably have an even broader field to work with than I did. Don't waste too much time thinking about the "no"s. Learn from them yes, but don't dwell on them. There's somebody out there in cyber space who's looking for you just as hard as you're looking for her. Just keep going until something clicks.

I love this story, Quagmire. It really gives me hope.