1. Close emotional relationship with another male
Which is mentioned only in one Gospel. And even then, it isn't really focused on. More so, some have argued that this nameless disciple was a woman. It could also have been his brother. Or someone who say him as a father figure. Really though, it is only mentioned in one Gospel. The other Gospel writers seem to be oblivious about this.
2. Absent father, pushy mom
So one is not born as a homosexual? One can be turned into a homosexual? Not to mention that we have no idea when his father became absent in his life. We only know about Jesus really from the time that he is in his 30's, or at the very least, a man. So we can't really know if his father was always absent.
As for his mother being pushy, we really don't even hear about her. Much less know that she is pushy. I mean, if she was pushy, it wasn't very much, as we really don't hear about her.
3. Seems to understand femininity
As in what way? And how does that suggest one is gay?
4. Denigrates hetreosexual marriage, says that it is better to be a eunuch
Where does he do either? He in fact states that when one is married, there should be no reason for a divorce. That doesn't seem like denigrating heterosexual marriage.
And yes, he mentions eunuchs, but he doesn't say it is better to be one.
5. Was a lifelong bachelor
Which was in no way unique. Many Essenes were lifelong bachelors. More so, we are not told whether or not he was married or not. There are those who argue he was married to Mary Magdalene, and in fact, there is more evidence for that than him being gay.
If it walks, talks and swims like a duck, it's probably a duck
That really isn't the case here though. You're trying to shove Jesus into a duck suit, and then shove him into a pond.