WOULD you like an upgrade? Please come into the Chairman's Lounge for free food and soothing muzak. And let us know if we can give you a free iPad - to keep. For most weary travellers such offers are a distant fantasy. Not so for our grand final-loving, globetrotting, free-trip grabbing federal politicians, who appear to be entirely happy to fly almost anywhere and attend almost anything on almost anyone's ticket.
And as they criss-cross the globe, there is usually an upgrade provided by Australia's single largest giver of gifts to politicians, Qantas.
A database painstakingly put together by a team of Fairfax journalists and University of Technology Sydney students has now revealed the gift-givers, the free trips and the upgrades. For the first time, the searchable database provides an easily readable financial profile of all 226 federal politicians, including their homes, savings accounts, shareholdings and grab-bags of gifts and trips.
The sifting of two years' of disclosures reveals some remarkable facts - not just politicians' liking for upgrades (almost 300), overseas trips (more than 100) and free tickets to sporting and cultural events (more than 450). The database also suggests substantial avoidance or straight out breaches of disclosure requirements, with more than 70 politicians failing to disclose subscription gifts from Foxtel and Austar.
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An ANU academic who has written extensively on accountability, Professor Richard Mulgan, says such transparency is vital. ''There is a very strong court of public opinion when it comes to parliamentarians,'' he says. ''This is where transparency seems to me to be key. Politicians do live in a glass house and it's harder for them to get away with things.''
But the current regime of disclosures presents many hurdles to accountability - not least because the forms are scratched in handwriting on unsearchable pages that must be examined individually. Some entries, including ones by Victorian MPs Greg Hunt and Bruce Billson, were virtually illegible.
In the words of John Uhr, a professor of politics at the Australian National University, the current system of disclosures ''has still got a kind of 'club rule' about it, where the information is registered with the club official for club purposes''.
The database reveals some grade-A schmoozing going on. Those glad-handing Communications Minister Stephen Conroy at high-profile sports events include Channel Seven (the Australian Open), Channel Nine (Test cricket), Channel 10 (formula one) and SBS (FIFA World Cup). Senator Conroy also declared 10 tickets to AFL football matches in the past two years, including eight tickets to grand finals.
In fact, AFL grand finals resemble a Who's Who of federal politics, with more than a dozen politicians attending each of the last two grand finals, enjoying tickets that are often accompanied by nosebleed prices of more than $2000.
Through the mandatory disclosures, one learns federal minister Bill Shorten took a fully funded trip to Rome financed by an Italian political party, Partitodemocratico.
And former Tasmanian senator Nick Sherry, a one-time superannuation minister, was flown to London in April by financial services company Baker Tilly.
Considering a return business class trip to Europe costs in the order of $8500 - before any accommodation - such trips are not small change.
The patterns show the heavy influence from certain regions and companies. Israel and Taiwan - both facing challenges - are the biggest national supporters of trips by Australia's politicians, recording 44 and 16 partly or fully funded trips respectively.
For the largest number of trips sponsored by an individual company, look no further than the seven sponsored by the Hancock interests owned by Gina Rinehart, followed by controversial Chinese telecommunications company Huawei (six) and gas giant Santos (six).
One freebie was a 2010 chartered flight for Resources Minister Martin Ferguson to look at Hancock Coal's operations in Queensland's Galilee Basin.
Another freebie involved Hancock sponsoring three politicians - Julie Bishop, Teresa Gambaro and Barnaby Joyce - to travel to Hyderabad in India and attend the marriage of the granddaughter of the head of Indian industrial conglomerate GVK Group.